I realized the other day that I would have been 10 weeks and 4 days.
It was not a reminder I should have sought out.In all logical thinking, I know that I was never as far along as I thought I was. Chronologically speaking, I was, but physically and literally, I was not. My pregnancy was pretty much a failed ectopic one. Not a loss at 5 weeks 4 days. Not a miscarriage, as we thought. Just a really tiny failed ectopic pregnancy.
Then why does it still hurt so much. Why did I find myself fighting to not walk out of work yesterday just because I didn't want to be there. Why am I unable to carry a decent conversation with Mr. W. Why am I crying while watching Silence of the Lambs.
I have so much hope for the future...the present is just weighing me down. Right now tomorrow never comes. It's always a day away.
And my heart hurts. I have so much to do today, but my heart hurts and it's making me cry.
4 comments:
Aw, Sweetie. Your post made my heart hurt for your heart . . and cry right along with you. It WAS a baby, it was a miscarriage, and OF COURSE, you would feel so sad. It hasn't been that long. Geesh, it's been almost a year since my loss, and I have these heavy hearted days. You have lost so, so much. Not just a baby (as if that wasn't enough), but all of the hopes and dreams that went along with that pregnancy. I am thinking of you today and hoping that tomorrow is just a little bit easier.
Logical thinking plays no part in it, hon. It aches no matter how much you tell youself it shouldn't.
Goodness knows I tell myself that my pregnancy was 'just' one thing or 'just' another, but that's never the case,
hang in there (and thanks for the cooking doo-dah lesson),
J
I'm so sorry. Take it one day at a time. What I did that helped was to treat myself a lot. I took the extra brownie, another long bath, another hour (half day) of television. It was the taking away of my dreams until I remembered that those dreams are just on hold unless I let what happened bring me down. It's okay to mourn for your pregnancy loss and for your dreams. Treat yourself a lot and talk to a therapist if you need to. That helped me, too. Good luck! Lots of hugs....
Like the previous posters said, it has nothing to do with logic and grief takes as long as it takes. You lost a child even if it wasn't as far along (size wise) as you thought. Your hormones have been through the ringer too, which can only add to the emotion trauma. Be good to yourself and let yourself mourn.
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