It's a family tradition

No, I'm not talking about drinking or rolling smokes. I'm talking about infertility.

Let's start with my Mom. Her and dear old Dad got married fresh out of high school. He joined the Navy then she joined him in Jacksonville, FL.  A year or so after they got married, and before they knew it they had my sister.

A little ways down the road, they wanted another (honestly my Mom wanted 10, but dad had some sense in his head).  Three losses  and 4 years after my sister, it wasn't happening.  My parents decided it was time to get some help, so they went to a specialist. From what they could figure, something wasn't working quite right with my Mom so they tried this newish drug called Clomid.  Let me tell you how freaked out my Mom was when she started her first round of Clomid and was then informed by her Mom that fraternal twins run in our family...she was convinced she was going to have a litter!

After round three of Clomid my Mom had another period but dutifully went back to try again.  After round four she heard those magical words from the doctor, "You're pregnant!" Come to find out, round three had worked and she was already two months pregnant with me...and my twin brother. :-)  Of course she didn't find out until much later that she was pregnant with twins and even then they were convinced it was identical twin boys.  Since I was born second, I really threw the room for a loop. Surprise! It's a girl!  My sister and I are 5 years apart in age.

[side note: When my Dad found out my Mom was pregnant and it was sticking he said he was getting a vasectomy. His reasoning was that he was not letting her go through this any more (harsh, but that's love). Her response? "I HOPE IT'S TWINS!"]

Now let's backtrack a little and talk about my Mom's Mom...Grandma.  I didn't find this out until my Grandma wasn't lucid enough to talk about it, but it seems she had fertility problems, too. Her and Grandpa got married right before he went off to boot camp (military men seem to be what the women in the family go for, huh?).  She got pregnant with my Aunt and her twin on his first leave...their honeymoon. She was devastated since she wasn't ready to be a mother (18) and her husband had just been shipped off for WWII.  Unfortunately my Aunt's twin didn't survive the pregnancy.

A little while later my grandparents decided they wanted to have another child. It didn't happen as easily as the first time and my grandma had to have "painful treatments" to conceive my Mom. She always told my Mom how hard they worked for her. I have no clue what sort of tests or treatments they had for IF in the late 40's early 50's but Grandma did something.  As far as losses go, I have no clue.  Besides my Aunt's twin, I don't know if Grandma had any other losses. This woman only talked about sex to try and terrify my Mom (then my sister, then me) of it. Pregnancy was something you didn't want, but would get if you kissed a boy (or rubbed against, or got naked in front of).  My Aunt & my Mom are 6 years apart in age.

So I guess you could say infertility and twins are a family tradition for us!

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I didn't know anything about my family's history if infertility until Tim and I started having issues getting pregnant.  When time kept going by and I kept talking about it to my Mom it came out. "You and your brother were conceived on Clomid."  Want to talk about jaw dropping?  I think I learned about my Mom's losses when I had my ectopic pregnancy.

Today Mom and I were talking about National Infertility Awareness Week.  We talked about our family's history of IF.  We talked about our shared history of losses.

Me: You, of all people, know what it feels like. You remember!
Her: I remember crying every month when my period would come. I remember wondering why my body was killing babies. I remember thinking, "Why ME?!?!?!"

Decades later, three children later, grandchildren later, a lifetime later she still feels the pain of Infertility and loss.  Even as I listen to my Clomid twins waking up from their nap, I still feel the pain of Infertility and loss.

Infertility's Common Thread

Click the picture above to read the full story of Infertility's Common Thread.

I got my wonderful "common thread" bracelet from DMarie at Bella Vida many months ago, but haven't written about it until now.  I found out about Infertility's Common Thread not too long after i began blogging; which was not too long after I began accepting that infertility was a part of my life.  Receiving this little bracelet meant so much to me.  I felt like I belonged somewhere.  I felt as if I was not alone; there were people who understood my pain and fear.

I had my husband tie on my bracelet a day or so after I got it.  I was proud to wear it.  Proud that I was not ashamed.  Then I waited.

And waited.

And waited.

It took at least a few weeks before anyone asked me what it was or what it meant.  And when I told anyone, I was quickly brushed off.  Strangely enough, not even my family wanted to face what I was facing.  Infertility.  But that was OK.  if they asked, I told them.  If they didn't listen, I didn't really care.  I was proud to wear my bracelet.

Strangely enough I woke up (from one of my many many naps) yesterday to find that my bracelet was missing.  I found it on the arm of the couch in a twisted little mess.  It had broken right in the middle and was done. 

Of course, being who I am I'm looking for the symbolism in this.  I could automatically think that since I find myself a day shy of 9 weeks pregnant with twins that IF is behind me now.  But it's not.  We all know this.  Infertility will be with me for a very long time, if not forever.  I have a long way to go before this pregnancy will have the chance to yield me one or two take home babies.  I have a long time to go before my body will be able to prove to me that it does not always fail me.  I have a long time to go before I can put Infertility behind me.  I hope the day comes that the pain of Infertility will not haunt me or scare me like it does now.  As it stands now I feel like I'm teetering between a really good place and a pit of hell...and maybe the bracelet breaking was just the mojo I needed to fall to one side.

Now where is that little skein of pomegranate thread I bought?

All clear

The HSG is done.  The prelimenary report is that all is well!  :-)  Of course, that means there's no reason for us to not already be pregnant, but hopefully this will just clear the path. 

The HSG wasn't as bad as the endometrial biopsy I had a few months back.  It wasn't fun, though.  They barely had to use any of the dye because it went through easily.  It was really cool to watch (especially after the doctor deflated the balloon and it didn't hurt so badly anymore). 

The doc and the nurse were tripping out because I knew more than most patients.  They asked, "did your doctor tell you what to expect?"  My response was, "You'll thread a catheter through my cervix, inject dye, and take x-rays.  I did research."  They were taken back by the fact that I had this knowledge.  Apparently most people don't really know what goes on.  It was cool, though!  Don't get me wrong...I in no way want to go through it again.

Now I wait to see what this doctor says to my doctor (hopefully the oficial all-is-good) and what my FSH test showed.  If all is good, Mr. W and I have agreed that if it doesn't happen this month, then it'll be Clomid for the next few months. 

So the radiologist and my OB/Gyn have both informed me that this month my fertility should be improved (seriously?  my fertility?) this month.  They both told me to make sure and take advantage of it.  I assured them both that I had my fertility monitor, my OPKs, and my calender...I'm good.

And it kind of just hit me...there is no reason that I shouldn't be pregnant right now.  Yes, I have PCOS, but it hasn't seemed to affect my ovulation for the almost year that I've been using OPKs (except that one month).  Mr. W's swimmers are good boys and look and do as they're supposed to.  So what the hell is going on?

And I also felt something that I'm not used to yesterday and today.  I'm angry.  I'm mad as hell.  I shouldn't have to have tests.  I shouldn't have to pee on sticks for any reason other than to prove that I am indeed pregnant.  I should be allowed to screw my husband and get pregnant like the majority of the population.  We all should be able to.  And I'm pissed off that this is not how it's worked.  It's bullshit that drug addicts and other such indigents are able to get pregnant like it's nothing and so many of us have to work so hard for it.  People get pregnant from one night stands and I haven't been able to make a baby with the man that I love.  And I'm angry about it.  Fuck.

But the HSG appeared good and I'm trying to focus on that.  Happy thoughts...happy thoughts...happy thoughts...

Bullets, Updates, and Explanations

• I just realized I hadn't updated on my weight loss.  To date, I've lost 6.4 pounds.  I haven't been sticking to my limits quite like I had planned, but I'm still slowly losing.  And in this race, slow and steady wins.  Plus, 6.4 pounds over 6 weeks isn't bad at all.  When I hit 8 pounds I'll update with pics!  :-)


• I have an HSG scheduled next Wednesday.  I am actually looking forward to this (mentally).  I feel renewed in the fact that I'm doing something!  I'm also getting my FSH level tested tomorrow.  The doc was hesitant to order the test until I explained that my mother began menopause in her mid 30's.  For the record I'll be 31 in July.


• I agree with everyone about seeing an RE vs seeing an OB/Gyn.  I am limited by my insurance, though.  The only RE that I've been able to find in my area does not take Tricare.  Tricare covers infertility testing and medication and right now that's what I need.  I don't feel that I'm getting the same kind of care and treatment that I would with an RE, but I'm satisfied for the time being.  My OB/Gyn is attentive and willing to do what it takes to get me what I need, and I love that.


• Only 3 more weeks until I begin the process of getting my braces!!!!

I know the fat lady has not sung

But I hear her warming up.

It's CD15 and there's not so much as a glimmer of a high reading on my CBEFM. 

Even though last month was anovulatory, at least I know my ovaries were trying.  Beginning around CD11 or 12 I got high readings.  The month before I had high readings beginning somewhere around the same time and I got a peak reading on CD17.  July, August, and September I ovulated on CD15 (at least that's when I got my LH surge) according to my OPKs. 

I have 5 more days left before hope gets kicked out the door.  If nothing has shown up on the monitor or the OPK strips (I'm using those in the afternoon), then I'll call the doctor and demand the testing that I should have demanded a long time ago.  It looks like I'll finally be taking some sort of action. 

I cried in the bathroom at church today when it hit me that this was my last month of all natural trying.  I know the next step will probably only entail a lot of tests and Clomid, but that's more than I was ready for.  Maybe that's why I've waited so long to make the call.

5 more days.  I'd really like a miracle, now, thank you.

Call me doom and gloom

"The anovulatory cycle is a menstrual cycle characterized by varying degrees of menstrual intervals and the absence of ovulation and a luteal phase. In the absence of ovulation, there will be infertility. "

I know I've been all doom and gloom lately, and I apologize. I really do have my happy moments...and they outweigh the non-happy moments. But this morning my lovely CBEFM gave me another day of high fertility. I forgot to log my days, but this is somewhere between day 5 - 8 of high fertility. Anything over 5 days isn't supposed to be all that good. Not sure exactly why, but I'm guessing it might be something along the lines of eggs rotting in their shells (not literally). At least that makes sense to me. Of course, now I'm thinking that this will be the first month since I've been using any type of OPK that I won't ovulate. Anovulatory. Shit.

On a completely positive note, Mr. W will be home late tonight!!! Yay!!! I didn't get much (read: anything) on my list accomplished while he was gone, but who cares! I'm so happy to have him home. He suggested, last night on the phone, that I'm stressing my body into waiting to ovulate until he gets home. He's so cute. Haha!

So if I go MIA for the weekend you guys will understand, right? ;-)

***side note***

It's kind of funny that if the plan had actually worked, Mr. W and I would have come nowhere near ovulation. That would have been a seriously expensive no-chance-of-conception booty call!

Nightmares and Daydreams

My mother's best friend has prophetic dreams. She dreamed when someone close to her was going to die. She dreamed when my sister was pregnant. She had a dream about me a few weeks ago.

My twin brother and I were both in the dream. I was holding a strawberry blond babydoll (girl) & my brother was trying to take the doll from me. I told him, "No! It's my baby".

Insert guilt here. For those of you just tuning in, Evil SIL miscarried a little over a week ago. I got my BFP Thursday. I know it's completely illogical, but still...the guilt is there. Like I've taken their baby. Like I said, illogical.

Now don't get me wrong, I still do not think Evil SIL should have anymore kids. I'm not saying I wish her the pain of IF, but I do wish the the lack of desire for children. I wish for my brother that the son they have together is enough. As far as my guilt goes, my brother and I have that mythical twin bond. I never physically felt his pain, but emotionally, yeah it was there. So his loss hurts. And IF has taught me the pain of other's BFPs when my arms are still empty.

And if this wasn't all weird enough, my sister took a HPT last weekend. She's actively TTA, though.

So once again I've rambled on...damn this head cold!