Of crazy thoughts

Thank you to everyone that has been praying for, thinking of, and supporting me. It means more than I can say.

The day after my OB appointment everything went to hell.  My anxiety was finally more than I could deal with. I wanted to die. I couldn't think of a way to kill myself that wouldn't leave my husband and children traumatized. I couldn't think of a way to kill myself that wouldn't ruin a room of the house for them. But I so badly wanted to end the hell I was living in my mind. If you've never experienced severe anxiety or depression I know this sounds crazy (and crazy is exactly what it was).

After a few hours of not finding a solution to my dilemma I called my therapist and my OB for help. They both agreed that I needed inpatient treatment and sent me to the local mental hospital for evaluation. After meeting with a staff member and answering 1,001 questions, they agreed. They said I'd probably be there 3 days.

To say this is the most terrifying thing I've ever done is putting it mild. All I knew to expect was the portrayals I've seen on TV. I even admitted to my therapist that I was scared they'd tie me to a bed and let me suffer until my meds kicked in since there's no immediately effective drugs I can take right now.

The whole experience was so surreal. I feel like any minute I'll wake up and this whole pregnancy and the myriad of issues it's brought with it will have never been.

My doctor at the hospital was wonderful. He upped my nausea medicine and added another one (which also helped me sleep). He added another medication to help ease the anxiety and also help me sleep. He then added another medication that would take a little longer to kick in but would help with the anxiety.

My social worker was a complete waste of time. She actually said to me, "Aren't you concerned about all the medicines you're taking affecting the baby?" I told her I trusted my doctor and that the meds are better than the alternative. When we realized all the phenergan I'd been taking was building up in my system and having a bad reacting, she said, "See. You don't need all those meds!" She also told me, "You have to figure out what triggered your anxiety. There's a good chance the meds won't help you and you'll have to just deal with this." She also wrote down an appointment with my doctor, but never scheduled it. She sucks. Big time.

Seven days later, I was allowed to go home. Seven days later I finally saw my children again.

So now I'm still dealing with hyperemesis. I haven't thrown up in a couple of days, but the nausea is always present and frequently overwhelming. I've also been diagnosed with hypothyroidism. I'm also having some issues with my blood pressure.

Right now I'm working on being able to take care of the boys again. Food is a near impossibility at the moment. Luckily Tim is off work until the 11th. And he's been doing an absolutely amazing job with the boys and the house!!!!

I have another appointment with my OB tomorrow. I'm sure they'll reassure me Thumper is OK. I'm truly excited about this pregnancy and am worried about what all this stress could have done.

Oh yeah. My MIL has been trying to convince Tim to bring the kids to her for a few weeks. Seriously lady? No freaking way!!! I may be crazy, but she's INSANE!

All is well

Well, for the most part all is well. We have a heartbeat!

Introducing "Thumper"

Blob being measured = Baby

Tim picked the nickname. He said as soon as the picture came up on the screen all he could see "was that heart thumping away".

My appointment today went really really well. I go back in 2 weeks for a re-check due to my anxiety then 3 weeks later for my 1st trimester screening. The doctor was very pleased with all the measurements and with how I looked.

For those of you that aren't on Twitter, yesterday was a crisis day for me emotionally. The anxiety has reached a level I can't deal with alone. Tim was (still is) my night in shining armor and got me an appointment with a doc and therapist on base. Unfortunately there wasn't much they could do to help, but they did make it plainly clear that I need help with the boys right now. I'm unable to to function without vomiting, I can't fix food, I can't stand any smells...I can't function. I'm not supposed to be using the term "can't" and am supposed to be saying, "it's hard to", but right now it's can't.  The anxiety isn't omg-is-my-baby-ok anxiety. It isn't omg-how-am-I-going-to-take-care-of-3-children anxiety. It's hormones-are-flooding-my-system-and-my-brain-isn't-coping-well-with-them anxiety.

So as of today I'm on Zoloft. I'm praying the medicine helps because I don't know what to do if it doesn't. For this week Tim is off work to take care of the boys and me. Next week my Mom is taking off work to come take care of the boys and me. The doctor and therapist were crystal clear about the need to get this anxiety under control before I end up hospitalized...so we're working on it. Seeing a heartbeat today did seem to help a tiny bit. It's completely gotten rid of the thoughts I'd been having of not wanting to see a heartbeat. Knowing that my OB is taking my anxiety seriously has helped a tiny bit, too. Knowing Tim is here to step up to the plate (and is completely rocking his temporary position as SAHD) has helped. Knowing my Mom (MOMMY!!!) is coming Sunday has helped, too.

Another help I've had?  The love and support I've received here and on Twitter. You guys are absolutely amazing!!! I honestly expected some back-lash on my last post and was so pleasantly surprised with the love and support I received instead.

I've also contacted the local support group for www.postpartum.net. I never knew before how common depression and anxiety are during pregnancy. I also never knew that the same people who give you support for PPD can help you through depression/anxiety during pregnancy.

I so badly want to love where I am right now. I want to be better. I want to be me again. I want to be the mother I know I am. I want to be the wife I know I am. I am getting help.

This and that

I really should do Danifred's Friday Night Leftovers, but that would mean posting on a certain day...yeah.  Not sure I can commit.  I know, I suck.  ;-)  Here's are some bullet points for you regardless.

• I'm supposed to get my braces off today.  Hooray!  I've had them on for 21 months 4 weeks and 1 day.  Wow.  I'm probably going to get a permanent retainer because my memory sucks like that.  Yeah.


• I'm not looking forward to un-telling my Ortho's office.  I told them I was pregnant when I went in last time because they mentioned X-rays.  Now I have to un-tell a huge open office of mostly women of childbearing age.  At least they're all nice women.  I just pray no one says any of those horrible things that people seem to want to say in times of loss.


• Tim is leaving the country before I get done with my ortho appointment today.  He'll be gone for almost two weeks.  I'm not sure who will miss him more, me or the boys.  They adore their Daddy.  I'm kind of partial to him myself.


• I find it amusing that everyone I know will see me without braces for the first time in almost two years, except the man I'm married to.  Hahaha!


• I'm tired of the stupid things people say to someone that's had a miscarriage (or other forms of loss).  "God knows best"?  And you and God speak about me often?  Let ME decide when I want to give this to God (which, by the way, I have, but it hurts me when other people assume things).


• Please also don't tell me there must have been something wrong with the baby.  I only know one doctor and she wouldn't be so insensitive since she's not my OB.  And if you think something else besides "I'm sorry" "I'm praying for you" or such sentiments are appropriate, they're probably not.  (and in no way is any of this directed at anyone that has ever commented on my blog, this is for the IRL people that honestly mean well, but screw it up instead).


• We find out in 2 1/2 weeks if there are any test results to receive.  We may find out if something went wrong.  We may find out the sex of the Nugget.  We may not.  I'm trying to not really grieve too much until then.  No matter how much I grieve and/or heal, the whole can of worms will be reopened then.


• The boys and I (and Emma, the dog) are heading up to visit my parents in Western NC this week.  I've got plans to hang out with my BFF Friday night.  Saturday afternoon I'm taking my nephew to a movie for his birthday.  Sunday I'm going to church with my boys and my parents and praying that no one makes a stupid comment to me (their whole church knows about the nugget).  Monday we're heading home!


• I'm almost done with a scarf to wear while in NC.  It's really difficult to get into crocheting a scarf when the daily high is almost 70°.  Don't get me wrong, I'm SO HAPPY the weather is beautiful, but it really kills warm-chunky-scarf desire. ;-)


• Jack bites.  Just ask Trip.  Trip took Jack's toy for about the 100th time last night and Jack finally snapped.  We thought Jack was just pushing Trip down with his head, like he so often does to keep him away, but we were wrong.  We lifted Jack off and found eight tiny teeth prints on Trip's arm.  Trip never even gave a clue Jack was hurting him (and we know it had to hurt, the red marks are still there today).  The devious little grin across Trip's face never faltered...well, not until Tim held Trip still so I could take a picture of the wound.  Heathen children!


• Oh yeah, and Trip might have been fussy the past couple of weeks because he was getting a 1 year molar...duh! I didn't notice it until it was 1/2 way through.  This totals 3 teeth in his mouth that are 1/2 way through and 3 more huge lumps where his other three 1 year molars are ready to bust through.  Jack also has a 1 year molar cutting through and 3 huge lumps where more molars are hiding out.


• Sock it to me anyone?
  

Thank you for being here for me!  You'll never know how much it has meant to have your support.  :-)

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:-)

Thank you all so much for the support and advice on my last post.  Mr. W finally realized how much all of you guys mean to me when your comments began to make me feel better.  You all rock!

I've made my decisions about feeding the boys based on what Mr. W and I feel what is best for the four of us.  Immediately upon deciding I felt peaceful.  We're a much happier household, now.

I read a post recently that helped me put a few things into perspective.  Instead of being upset about what I have or don't have and what I can or can't do, I need to completely focus on the wonderful things in my life.  I am very blessed.

I'm no longer waiting in line.  :-)

Still thankful

I am very thankful that Mr. W picked out such wonderful and sensible carpet!  We had it installed a few months ago (the one thing that Mr. W wouldn't do himself) and it's looked good so far.

Just a few minutes ago Mr. W put it to the test.  He didn't take his shoes off before going upstairs and managed to track dog poo all over the carpet (the stairs and all three bedrooms).  He proceeded to grab a rag and quickly clean it up.  It didn't stain or even stick to the carpet!  I am so thankful for our PET carpet!

Of course he'll use the steam cleaner as soon as his family leaves (leave already people!!!).

Thanks-giving is not over

Today is the day after the holiday, but I am so thankful. 

Mel did a post called Mico-Thankfulness and it made me think even harder about the little things in life.

I am thankful for my beautiful girls.  My Megan and my Emma dogs.  I call them my "heathens", but they truly are wonderful animals.  Yes, Emma will shred any piece of paper she can find and Megan will curl up in any available cushioned furniture, if  you leave them unattended for too long downstairs.  If someone comes to the door all I have to do is tell them "Go outside" in a firm voice and they run out their dog door and wait until I call them back in.  These girls love me and my husband unconditionally and it shows.  We very much love them back. 

I am thankful for my kitchen appliances and gadgets.  I know this is an odd one, but when we moved into this house it was full of really old nasty appliances and I had to live with those for a while.  I'm not the best cook, but I truly enjoy it.  It's so nice to have an oven that keeps the chosen temperature.  Making a cake (or a meringue) is so much easier with the stand mixer that Mr. W gave me last year for Christmas.  I'm thankful for all of my wonderful bamboo mixing spoons and my lovely pots and pans.  They serve me so well and clean up so nicely!  I also love my insanely cheap yet super sharp knife set.

I am thankful for my aqua globes, which truly have made it easier to keep my houseplants alive.  I am thankful for my houseplants.  I have quite a few of them and they almost all have a special meaning.  There is the plant that I received from my first job in Charleston (my first job in my new life as I like to remember it).  There is the small peace lily that was in the house when Mr. W moved in; we have no idea how it was alive since the house had been vacant for over a year.  There are the corn plant, the large peace lily, and the schefflera from my Grandpa's funeral a few years ago.  There are the mother-in-law's tongue and the african violet from my Granny's funeral two years ago.  I have three plants that started out as cuttings from plants at my second job in Charleston.  I have two jade plants, one was a gift from my last boss for my birthday year before last and the other is a clipping from a clipping from a clipping (etc) from a plant I owned my senior year in high school.  I love my plants.

I am thankful that Mr. W doesn't mind cleaning.  When I began this post he was in the kitchen loading the dishwasher.  After he finished that, he brought me a glass of water.  For that I was extremely thankful.

I am thankful that my menomenamena tree twinkles!  (just found this out as we just put it up)  The twinkling lights are so cheery and calming.

I am beyond thankful for all of the support and friendship I have received since first being found by Farah and then finding her blog. 

There is so much more that I am thankful for, and I plan on writing more posts, but for now I'll leave it at this.  Thank you!

Doh!!!

I cannot believe I let the holiday doldrums get me so down that I forgot one of the things that I am most thankful for...MY FRIENDS!

I only have a few IRL friends that I can really talk to. I am thankful for them. One in particular invited me over to hang out after I couldn't bear my family on Thanksgiving. Even though I shammed on her, she didn't even feel a need for forgiveness and gave approval that I had been out of my house for the many hours I'd been out. Thank you for understanding that it's just really hard for me to do many things. And thank you for not making a big deal out of it.

I have more OL friend that I can really talk to. I am even more thankful for them. One in particular has helped me keep the remains of sanity that I have now. She helped me realize that I am not a freak of nature, regardless of how I feel at times. She has been a beacon and a buoy in some very trying times of late. For this and so much more, I am very thankful.

You guys really rock and I love you!!!

Thanksgiving

Things I am thankful for (not in any order):

• My wonderful online world of support. You have been there, and understand. You always know just what to say. You are wonderful and I love and appreciate you!
• My family. While you may not always say the right thing, you always try. When I hurt, you cry for me. When I am happy, you laugh with me. When I fall, you help pick me up (as you chuckle) You will probably never read this, but you mean everything to me! (and Mr. W does fall into this category, too)
• My husband. Mr. W...what can I say. We have our ups and downs, but regardless, you are there for me. You are with me in this journey and when I fall, you carry me. When the blame is mine, you are willing to take it to ease my pain. Without you I would not be.
• My friends. Old friends and new friends. You are there for me. If I need a shoulder, it doesn't matter what time it is, you offer it. You accept me for who I am, faults and all. I couldn't ask for more.

I am truly blessed. I am truly thankful. Thank you.

Stupid Things People Say

Thank you to everyone who has been there for me for the past few days. It has meant more than I can express to know I'm in your thoughts and prayers. It truly has helped to not be "alone" in this. Thank you. From the bottom of my broken heart, thank you.

This is a work in progress. And please, remember I'm angry and don't have anything/one to be angry with, so I may as well take it out on the unsuspecting friends/family members that just don't get it. I know it's not their fault.

Since Friday I have realized, even more so, the difference between the IF community and the non-IF world. It's amazing some of the things that people say to you that they somehow imagine to be comforting. Here are the ones that I didn't block out completely. I'll add more as they come my way because we all know, they'll continue to come.

- "Don't go into panic mode. This doesn't mean you can't have kids. 'Cause I know so many people who started putting all this money into infertility..." I interrupted at this point and gave a very brief explanation of my knowledge of my IF.

- "At least you know you can get pregnant." Yes, Thank you. And I know I can miscarry too. Should that make me feel better, too?

- "It's probably for the best. You were so anxious!" I explained that my anxiety was due to diminishing symptoms and weak HPTs. And she only saw me anxious on the DAY I miscarried.

When will they learn that there is nothing that makes it easier. And all of their assvice doesn't help; it's actually quite upsetting. So far, the most comforting things I've heard are, "I'm sorry" and "I'm praying for you" and "I'm here for you" and variations of those sentiments.