5 weeks 4 days

We're all alive & well! Sorry for the radio silence. Things are going really well, I'm just super busy tired.

Tim had almost a whole month off after Aedan was born. My mom was also here for a little over a week. It was great having the help, but I'm honestly glad to have my house back. Tim is a great help, but he gets stressed out so easily...ugh.

So it's been me & my boys during the week since last Monday...Pure Heaven! Everything feels "right". Aedan is a dream! He's a lazy eater (bottle or boob), but he's a good sleeper. He started rolling front to back at two weeks (I have video proof) and smiling at 3 weeks 6 days. Trip & Jack just adore him!

Big shoes to fill

Big Grin

Before needed haircut

#HOPE

Little grin

(((hugs)))

Brotherly love

 I'll update more when I get a chance!

Aedan!

Aedan is Here!
Aedan Alexander was born today @  8:58 pm weighing  7lb  8oz & measuring 19". Mother & baby are doing well!

So why are you so upset??

 I had my 32 week OB appointment today. Everything went really well and fairly quickly! I had a growth scan due to my mutated body prothrombin thingy. Aedan is measuring in the 81st percentile and weighs approximately 5lb 7oz. Holy big baby! His fluid is also measuring right at the top of the scale for being OK. The not-so-great news is that he seems to be retaining fluid in his right kidney. It's nothing serious at this point, and probably will never be anything serious, but MFM doc wants to keep an eye on it. It's not as serious as hydronephrosis, but I can't remember what exactly he called it (It's called mild pyelectasis. Thank you Stacie!). He said it's very common in boys and they usually outgrow it as infants. It has something to do with the way their urethra is kinked due to having a penis and due to the kidney being immature. He's 1/10th a centimeter on the bad side of the measurement they took.

I'm honestly not worried about his kidney or fluid or anything else. I am pretty upset, though. HE'S NOT GOING TO FIT IN ALL HIS CUTE LITTLE NEWBORN THINGS I'VE MADE AND HAD MADE FOR HIM!!!! I know. Woe is me. I find it so ironic that I had almost no newborn size clothing for Jack & Trip (I swear I just didn't know there was a difference between 0-3 months & newborn) and their clothes were swimming on them. Now I have all sorts of newborn items, and it looks like I'm going to have a 0-3 month sized kid. I'm not really upset. I have time to order him a new onesie to wear home, but with the swelling starting, I won't be able to make him a new sweater. :( Oh well. I'm just happy he's doing so well!

And for the billion and ten people that feel the need to tell me I'm huge and joke about carrying more than one and ask if I'm due any day...HE'S A BIG BABY SO STFU! NO ONE enjoys being told they're huge.

So who'd like to see pictures of the chunky monkey? I swear you could see how chubby his cheeks were in the 2D shots, even!

Chubby Cheeks

That's his foot flat on his forehead

I promise I still have another post or two coming. I haven't forgotten about them!

Where has the time gone?

I can't believe how long it's been since I last posted. Oops! (again)

The biting issue has been seriously curbed. If I exhaust the boys before nap time, Trip doesn't mess with Jack. Sometimes this isn't really possible (rainy days are rough) and on those days I put them in separate rooms. Some days we just don't have a nap. Jack will also now tell Trip "No Biting!" I guess he's finally over the bruises. I know I am!

I can't believe how big my boys are getting...all three of them! Aedan (oh yeah, we settled on a name) is growing daily and I'm HUGE! Trip and Jack seem to get bigger every day. I swear it's like someone is feeding them miracle grow! I can assure you it's not me, they're barely willing to eat anything I cook. Finicky little things.

So I guess I should share some pics.

Uh-oh! You caught me! I LOVE dirt!

Pretty flower! (It's from an oak tree)

Jack & Trip
My sweet boys!

30 weeks 3 days
I'm HUGE!

I really am huge. I've gained too much weight (luckily the doctors haven't gotten onto me about it). I'm actually measuring a few weeks ahead due to my weight. Aedan seems to be trying to force his way out of my right side. It can be so painful at times! He's actually caused me to almost hit the ground in pain when he's kicked/headbutt/clawed at my cervix. I wouldn't give any of this up for the world, though. Feeling my boys move inside and holding them on the outside are the only things I enjoy about pregnancy, so I'll love it while it lasts!

Well, I had so much else to stay, but I just can't remember it. I guess that's what happens when I don't blog for too long.

I have another post I'm brewing in my head. I promise this one will come soon!

:-)

I'm still here and doing well! The vomiting has slowed down considerably. Of course, now that I've said that I'll spend 1/2 my day puking tomorrow. Whatever, I'll take it for the good days that come between! I've so much more energy than I ever remember having while pregnant with the boys...of course that was a twin pregnancy. I'm also nesting so much I can barely stand myself. I want the nursery set up YESTERDAY! I'm also ready to kill Tim for not picking up after himself better. Yes, he vacuums (once in a while) and sweeps, but that does not make up for leaving his crap laying around. At least the boys have begun helping pick their stuff up!

Speaking of boys...we have confirmation that Thumper is indeed a little boy! The ultrasound technician threw me for a loop by referring to Thumper as a girl throughout the scan and not checking the gender until almost the end. She explained that she thought we told her we had been told earlier we were having a girl. *roll eyes* Thumper is most definitely a boy, though. He's also feisty! He's feistier than Trip ever was, and he's a handful. I'm definitely going to be kept on my toes with these three!!

I cannot believe my little boys turned two years old already. They're getting so big and learning so much! Jack can count to 13, sing his ABCs, and recognizes almost every letter in the alphabet and numbers up to 12. He knows a few of his shapes and is working on his colors. Trip, on the other hand, can climb anything he wants to and go anywhere he pleases. He follows me everywehre and always wants to "hep" me. He is so very social and says "Hey!" or "Hellllo!" to almost everyone that crosses his path. They are both so unique and so full of personality!!! Every day brings new challenges and new blessings.

I had so much more to say before I actually started this post, but as usual it's gone, now. I'll leave you with a video of Trip "helping" Jack and a few pics of all of my boys!

Thumper @ 20 weeks

My two reindeer

Jack LOVES cake!

"Cheese"

My little superman

Big grin

Blog? What blog?

Ohhhhh....This blog!

I'm so sorry I've been a slacker. I could give you tons of excuses, but they're just that. I have been pretty under the weather for a while, but I finally took the jump and decided to blog. So here goes!

• Everything is fine with Thumper as of my last u/s October 25. He was so active it was almost surreal! Yeah, you read that right, HE! I had my NT scan on the 22nd and the tech guessed it was probably a boy due to having too much stuff between the legs to be a girl. I had another free scan on the 25th (love it that MUSC is so big into studies, there's always someone that needs to get certified for something) and the tech agrees with that probability.
• Yes, I would have loved a girl, but I'm equally excited for another boy. I know what a joy they are. Plus, he's healthy, that was my biggest desire!!
• Hyperemesis is the devil. I had started feeling a little bit better, but then it all went to hell. The vomiting became so violent that it was freaking me out, hurting me, and causing blood vessels to burst in my face. (let me tell you how beautiful my complexion is right now.) My doctor prescribed Reglan for me with the warning that it could increase my anxiety or depression symptoms. 24 hours after starting it I was vowing to never take another one ever again due to the panic attacks. Luckily a little over 24 hours and I'm almost completely back to "normal".
• My psychiatrist tweaked my meds a little and I finally feel like my old self, again! Hooray!!!
• Does anyone have any advice for night sweats? I've been having them since almost 8 weeks. They're wreaking havoc on my sleep!!!
• Thank God Tim's mouth is almost completely healed!!! Within a few days you could see a noticeable difference in the discolored tissue. Almost a month later there is ZERO discoloration and only two small patches where the tissue isn't smooth, yet. He's planning on giving it a few more months then he'll schedule an appointment to have everything checked out. I mean it, Thank you God! And thank you to everyone who offered prayers and thoughts for him!!
• They only sent Tim out of town for 4 (I think) days. It was exhausting, but my HG was lighter than it is now, so everything went smoothly. He even came home to a clean house!
• Charleston seems to have forgotten there's a season between Summer and Winter. It also seems to think the seasons are supposed to mix on the same day. The other night it was 33 degrees at night and 75 the following afternoon. Get with it weather!
• I've been horrible with reading blogs, so please tell me what I've missed!

Thank you so much to everyone that has contacted me to check on me! I appreciate the love & support!!!

And because I can't mention I've had two ultrasounds and not share at least one picture...

Profile

4d missing the top of his head...creeeepy!

:-)

Friday's appointment went beautifully! My OB walked in dragging the portable ultrasound machine behind her. I was very relieved I didn't have to ask for it. She was also very nonchalant about my week at the mental hospital. Another sigh of relief for me. She was also so wonderful about the fact that the boys were running around the exam table like the little heathens they can be. Everything was wonderful!

I think this may be part of my mental issues right now, but I've been getting a little paranoid that I haven't seen the heartbeat at either one of my ultrasounds. I did get to hear the heartbeat and see Thumper in all his/her gummy-baby glory, but I've never seen the heart flickering. I know Tim saw it at the first ultrasound and the doctor obviously saw it because she timed it at the second ultrasound. So why haven't I been able to see it? I can usually identify everything on an ultrasound, but not these. It's getting under my skin a little and I need to let that go.

My OB wanted to see me back in two weeks. She is AMAZING! I'm pretty sure she's trying to keep me reassured to keep the anxiety at bay. Unfortunately the anxiety has very little to do with my worries and fears about this pregnancy. Of course I am worrying about the pregnancy a little, but no more so than is normal I think. I actually declined the two week visit because I have one already scheduled in three weeks. I'll also have my NT scan that morning. I'm sure if I'm getting overly freaked out before then, she'd fit me in.

I just realized Tim is going out of town for two whole weeks soon. I knew he was going out of town, but I didn't realize it was for two weeks. Ummmm.... Luckily his brother (the least troubled of the two) is going to come stay. The boys love him and he's willing to change diapers and cook simple meals. I'm very grateful for this, but it's going to be a little weird. Luckily he's stayed with us before so it shouldn't be too weird.

Oh yeah, I haven't changed a diaper since some time before my first OB appointment. The smell of urine almost makes me vomit...even my own. And I can't even be around a stinky diaper. It's been interesting to say the least. I'm so very grateful for Tim. He's been super supportive through all of this and hasn't complained once about how little I've been able to do.

I'm also so very grateful for all of you that have been so supportive. It's meant so much to me. It's amazing how good it can feel to know that I have friends out there that don't judge me and are there for me. Thank you.

Of crazy thoughts

Thank you to everyone that has been praying for, thinking of, and supporting me. It means more than I can say.

The day after my OB appointment everything went to hell.  My anxiety was finally more than I could deal with. I wanted to die. I couldn't think of a way to kill myself that wouldn't leave my husband and children traumatized. I couldn't think of a way to kill myself that wouldn't ruin a room of the house for them. But I so badly wanted to end the hell I was living in my mind. If you've never experienced severe anxiety or depression I know this sounds crazy (and crazy is exactly what it was).

After a few hours of not finding a solution to my dilemma I called my therapist and my OB for help. They both agreed that I needed inpatient treatment and sent me to the local mental hospital for evaluation. After meeting with a staff member and answering 1,001 questions, they agreed. They said I'd probably be there 3 days.

To say this is the most terrifying thing I've ever done is putting it mild. All I knew to expect was the portrayals I've seen on TV. I even admitted to my therapist that I was scared they'd tie me to a bed and let me suffer until my meds kicked in since there's no immediately effective drugs I can take right now.

The whole experience was so surreal. I feel like any minute I'll wake up and this whole pregnancy and the myriad of issues it's brought with it will have never been.

My doctor at the hospital was wonderful. He upped my nausea medicine and added another one (which also helped me sleep). He added another medication to help ease the anxiety and also help me sleep. He then added another medication that would take a little longer to kick in but would help with the anxiety.

My social worker was a complete waste of time. She actually said to me, "Aren't you concerned about all the medicines you're taking affecting the baby?" I told her I trusted my doctor and that the meds are better than the alternative. When we realized all the phenergan I'd been taking was building up in my system and having a bad reacting, she said, "See. You don't need all those meds!" She also told me, "You have to figure out what triggered your anxiety. There's a good chance the meds won't help you and you'll have to just deal with this." She also wrote down an appointment with my doctor, but never scheduled it. She sucks. Big time.

Seven days later, I was allowed to go home. Seven days later I finally saw my children again.

So now I'm still dealing with hyperemesis. I haven't thrown up in a couple of days, but the nausea is always present and frequently overwhelming. I've also been diagnosed with hypothyroidism. I'm also having some issues with my blood pressure.

Right now I'm working on being able to take care of the boys again. Food is a near impossibility at the moment. Luckily Tim is off work until the 11th. And he's been doing an absolutely amazing job with the boys and the house!!!!

I have another appointment with my OB tomorrow. I'm sure they'll reassure me Thumper is OK. I'm truly excited about this pregnancy and am worried about what all this stress could have done.

Oh yeah. My MIL has been trying to convince Tim to bring the kids to her for a few weeks. Seriously lady? No freaking way!!! I may be crazy, but she's INSANE!

All is well

Well, for the most part all is well. We have a heartbeat!

Introducing "Thumper"

Blob being measured = Baby

Tim picked the nickname. He said as soon as the picture came up on the screen all he could see "was that heart thumping away".

My appointment today went really really well. I go back in 2 weeks for a re-check due to my anxiety then 3 weeks later for my 1st trimester screening. The doctor was very pleased with all the measurements and with how I looked.

For those of you that aren't on Twitter, yesterday was a crisis day for me emotionally. The anxiety has reached a level I can't deal with alone. Tim was (still is) my night in shining armor and got me an appointment with a doc and therapist on base. Unfortunately there wasn't much they could do to help, but they did make it plainly clear that I need help with the boys right now. I'm unable to to function without vomiting, I can't fix food, I can't stand any smells...I can't function. I'm not supposed to be using the term "can't" and am supposed to be saying, "it's hard to", but right now it's can't.  The anxiety isn't omg-is-my-baby-ok anxiety. It isn't omg-how-am-I-going-to-take-care-of-3-children anxiety. It's hormones-are-flooding-my-system-and-my-brain-isn't-coping-well-with-them anxiety.

So as of today I'm on Zoloft. I'm praying the medicine helps because I don't know what to do if it doesn't. For this week Tim is off work to take care of the boys and me. Next week my Mom is taking off work to come take care of the boys and me. The doctor and therapist were crystal clear about the need to get this anxiety under control before I end up hospitalized...so we're working on it. Seeing a heartbeat today did seem to help a tiny bit. It's completely gotten rid of the thoughts I'd been having of not wanting to see a heartbeat. Knowing that my OB is taking my anxiety seriously has helped a tiny bit, too. Knowing Tim is here to step up to the plate (and is completely rocking his temporary position as SAHD) has helped. Knowing my Mom (MOMMY!!!) is coming Sunday has helped, too.

Another help I've had?  The love and support I've received here and on Twitter. You guys are absolutely amazing!!! I honestly expected some back-lash on my last post and was so pleasantly surprised with the love and support I received instead.

I've also contacted the local support group for www.postpartum.net. I never knew before how common depression and anxiety are during pregnancy. I also never knew that the same people who give you support for PPD can help you through depression/anxiety during pregnancy.

I so badly want to love where I am right now. I want to be better. I want to be me again. I want to be the mother I know I am. I want to be the wife I know I am. I am getting help.

Bulletsssss

• I feel like a total douche for bitching about this pregnancy.
• I'm really grateful that I am where I am.
• I'm really jealous of my BFF who's pregnancy was the most beautiful thing in her life next to actually raising her daughter.
• The anxiety is worse. I guess it's my body's reaction to the hormone overloads going on?
• The puking started today.
• The puking gives me even more hope that things will be OK and I'll have a THB in late April, early May.
• Tim asked me if I've been thinking of names. I wanted to slap him.
• I finally have some Zofran!! I'm hoping to eat later today. :-)
• My children think the sound of me puking is hilarious.

All she does is bitch & moan

Yup. That pretty much sums it up. I've decided...wait, I'm pretty sure I decided this a long time ago...I don't enjoy pregnancy*. Sure, there are parts of it that I love, but those parts are few and far between. I thought maybe it was just the boys pregnancy that was so not fun for me, but this pregnancy is following the same path as that one so far.

• Twin pregnancy - Around 5w3d I started feeling "queasy", but nothing that couldn't be cured with some food.
• This go-round - 4w5d I started feeling that old familiar feeling only food doesn't seem to help.
• Twin pregnancy - Around 6 1/2w the vomiting started. It was only slowed down by copious amounts of Zofran and Phenergan. I ended up getting 3 different IVs and many bags of fluids and other stuff and was only kept out of the hospital by a very determined doctor (no, she wasn't really a doctor, but who really is a doctor at the base medical clinic?) that understood we were switching insurance.
• This go-round - Today is 6w1d and I am doing my best to function. I haven't thrown up, yet, but...It's been rough. I'm currently waiting to hear from my doctor's office to hopefully get a fresh prescription for Zofran. At the rate things are progressing, tomorrow could bring copious amounts of vomit. I know I sound all Debbie-Downer, but this all-day-unrelenting nausea is only getting stronger.

One of the worst things about this crap (beside the obvious difficulties of taking care of rambunctious twin toddlers) is the anxiety that comes along with it. I was so glad that I documented my anxiety during the beginning of my pregnancy with the boys so I know this is routine for me.

On a good note, I'm pretty sure things are progressing as they should. I know I could be this sick and things could still go south, but really? I'm thinking good things.

And, No, I don't think it's twins. I think it's just my lot in life to have some nasty morning sickness (please no HG again!!!) with healthy pregnancies.



*I am very grateful for what I have, but that doesn't mean I have to like everything about it.

5w3d

Today marks 5 weeks 3 days in this journey. Almost 3 years ago I lost my first pregnancy at this time. I woke up this morning from a dream about blood and cramps. Luckily it was only a dream.

It's amazing how far I've come in 3 years. It makes me almost speechless to really think about how much I've lost and how much I have.

Tim and I are both referring to what's going on in pretty benign terms. "Things" "It" "You-know" We're both doing our best to not get too attached until we see proof-of-life.  I can't say losing everything wouldn't hurt, but maybe it wouldn't hurt as much if I'm not as attached...if it's not as real?

I got a perfectly timed and super sweet card in the mail today. It said, "To love is to risk not being loved in return. To hope is to risk pain. To try is to risk failure, but risk must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing." It reminded me to keep hoping and quit waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Still plugging along

As far as I know, everything is still holding strong. I haven't peed on a stick since 15dpo (I'm 19dpo now). I actually developed a symptom today, and I must admit I'm not too happy about it...I'm nauseous. I know most people would welcome some morning sickness, but I didn't have just morning sickness with the boys (history here).

I got a call the day after my last post letting me know that I was pregnant. (No shit Sherlock.) They then rambled off a bunch of stuff way too fast for me to understand and said they'd send my referral in to the insurance company.

Two days later the referral showed up online, but it didn't say who I was being referred to. Upon calling the insurance company I learned they hadn't actually referred me to anyone. This worked in my favor since they then asked me who I wanted to see, then approved the referral to that practice!!!! Woo-hoo!!!

So now I have an appointment with the same OB office I saw for my last two pregnancies on Sept 15. Until then I'm still taking it day by day. Some moments I'm more hopeful than others. Some moments I don't even remember anything has changed, then it hits me and I'm happy and scared all over again.

I really want this to work, but am trying to not get my hopes too far up until I have proof of healthy life. I know that sounds morbid, but I also know too many of you understand. I really am doing my best to enjoy the time I have this, though. I'm still happy. :)

**************************

TODAY IS MY BLOGOVERSARY! Thank you Courtney for pointing it out to me; I would have never noticed. I can't believe I've been blogging for 3 years. It seems like just yesterday and a lifetime ago that I first put that post out there. Wow. And 403 posts? Another wow. Thank you to everyone that's been here for me!!!!