Feeling More Confident!

Thank you all for your well wishes and thoughts and prayers yesterday!

The spotting (which was very mild to begin with) seems to have gone away for the past 24 hours.  :-)  The cramping seems to have changed a little.  They don't feel like light AF cramps anymore; they feel like something going on, but not like cramps.  I know that makes no sense but there you have it. 

The sense of peace that I have is wonderful.  I know that it's super early and anything can happen...but that doesn't mean it will.  I just need to remember that for the next 9 weeks.  Because it's been explained to me by friends and family (and the family member shares my OB/Gyn) that I probably won't get an U/S until 13 weeks.  Ouch.  But I'll be OK.  I'll be even better if I can convince my doctor to give me an 8 week U/S to see the heartbeat.  Who knows, I can be awfully annoying when I need to be!

I have to call the office in the morning and see what I have to do.  I honestly don't know if they will want to do a blood test or not.  I'm not going to push for one (OMG?!?!  SHE'S NOT GOING TO DEMAND A BETA?!?!  AMANDA???  REALLY?!?!).  But I need to let them know about my handful of positive tests and get on the schedule and nicely ask for an 8 week U/S.  :-D

13 DPO (this pic and the 11 DPO pic were actually taken in different states.
check out the matching tables!  ewe!)

12 DPO

11DPO

10 DPO - Very Faint Second Line
This pic was taken later that afternoon.
I had to let it dry enough to be able to photograph the line.

I'm a little nervous

10 DPO - Very Faint Second Line
This pic was taken later that afternoon.
I had to let it dry enough to be able to photograph the line.

11DPO - Not as faint, but still not too dark second line.
This pic was taken within the 10 minute read time.

12 DPO - the digital came up in one minute!
The FRER started coming up as soon as the urine ran across it.
This pic was taken within the 10 minute read time, too.

The reason I'm nervous is because I'm only 12DPO.  This can still be chemical, right?  And I've started a little cramping and the tiniest of brown spotting.  Now don't get me wrong, I'm not a nervous wreck.  I'm nothing like I was with my last BFP.  Though it doesn't help that my primary doctor gave me an antibiotic and antihistamine for this nasty sinus infection the day before I got my first view of a second line this month...and he says that it's OK for pregnancy...but I told him I was only TTC at the moment, not pregnant, yet (and the paperwork said it isn't...but it's Class B).  I think I'll stop by the pharmacy today and double check on my way out of town.

So please, any prayers, good thoughts, etc are very much desired at the moment.  I'm not confident about this at least until I've past the date AF is due.  Then maybe I'll feel a little safer.  But at least I got these lines before 16 DPO like last time!  :-)

Guess what...

Symptoms:

• nausea


• stuffy nose


• exhausted

So guess what I got yesterday???

It's not you...it's me...

Well, no.  Actually it's not me, either.  It's this damned job!  I.  Hate.  My.  Job.  I knew I wasn't happy with the situation, but I just realized how unhappy.  I opened my Google Reader this morning and realized that I had little desire to read.  So I opened my email.  And I had little desire to read or respond.  So I pulled out my work.  Zero desire to do any of that.

So find another job you say?  I just don't want to.  I want to be pregnant and quit my job.  (Mr. W has decided that when I'm pregnant, if work stresses me, then I can quit.)  I want to spend my time being domestic.  I want to cook and clean and sew and take care of babies!  Please don't all laugh at me at once.

How will this all play out?  I've made up my mind that regardless of my pregnancy status, I will not be employed next year.  I haven't worked out all of the details, but it's got to happen.  By then we'll be debt free (except for the mortgage) so it's not like we'll struggle.  The house will be finished and refurnished.  Stick a fork in me, I am done!  It will be an adjustment, but not a struggle. 

So for now I have to work on my attitude (because I've turned into a raging bitch that gets irritated at the most minute things).  I have to work on finding happiness within myself.  Most of all I need to work on letting go things that I cannot change.

---------------

Why is it that it's perfectly acceptable to spend 9 hours a day at a job?  What about time with your family?!  I have 4.5 hours a day that aren't spent working, going to and from work, getting ready for work, or sleeping.  That would break my heart to not be able to spend more time with my children if I had any.  As it is, by the weekend Mr. W and I feel like we haven't spent any time together.  Full time should be 6 hours a day!  :-)

---------------

I'm 7DPO today.  No symptoms to report, which doesn't shock me.  I have had some mild cramping on my right side, which makes me a little nervous.  If something is happening down there, I really don't want it to happen on any one side.  I'd prefer a little cramping in the middle.  But of course, I'm a little paranoid about ectopic.

All in all, I feel very peaceful.  If I don't get a BFP this month, the world will continue to spin.  :-)

***UPDATE***

MY PROGESTERONE WAS 30.9 4DPO!!!!  YAY!!!  This was one of my fears, that I had low progesterone.  I feel so relieved!  Now it's all out of my hands.  :-)

If you don't have anything nice to say

I've been so down and angry lately.  I don't have any creativity in me.  I don't know what's going on with me, but I'm blah.  Any post I try to write comes out choppy and ridiculous.  Any comment sounds fake to my ears.  I'm trying to blame this on the Clomid, but who really knows.  Maybe it's my old lovely emotional friends showing back up.  After all, I haven't taken anything to stave them off for a very long time.  I had hoped that I had grown out of them.  But again, who knows.  So please don't think too harshly of me that I have barely been commenting and can't come up with a decent post.  Know that I'm still reading and thinking of you all with such warm feelings!!!

I hate thinking of titles.

Today is CD14 and my cbefm is still showing high, as it has since CD9.  But no O, yet.  Don't worry, though.  I haven't come close to giving up hope.  O is usually CD17.

Let me just say I'm not a big fan of Clomid, though.  This may be situational, but I've been irritable and depressed since a couple of days after starting the damn drug.  Of course my brother broke his leg and had to have surgery (he's doing wonderful, thank you to everyone!), my sister's father-in-law had a heart attack days later and had to have a bypass, my dryer broke, and my brother's wife had to go to the emergency room and got diagnosed with a hiatal hernia and doesn't quite know what to do since they have no insurance.  I think I'm a little tired of reality right now.  But I bought a book and plan on vegging out this weekend and hiding from reality for a little bit.  At least we found out that my brother only has 1 gene for Factor V Leiden mutation.  But I'm not sure of that because I got that news straight from my brother...he doesn't listen, was in pain when it was explained to him, and was heavily drugged by the time he explained it to me.  ***edited*** I spoke with my Dad and apparently my brother has Factor V Leiden Mutation Heterozygous (one gene).

Speaking of blood disorders...does anyone know anything about Factor II Prothrombin (also called Prothrombin 20210A or PT20210 Mutation or Factor II Mutation)?  Or Factor V Leiden?  Those are the blood disorders that seem to run rampant in my family.  Factor II almost killed my dad a few years back.  My cousin lost a twin pregnancy due to Factor V.  A combination of one of these caused my Uncle to lose fingers.  I know the basics about them, but not how serious they are in pregnancy.  I don't know how to get tested for them.  I asked my primary care physician to order a test for them a year ago, but he had never heard of the Factor II and didn't quite know how to write the order.  And apparently I wasn't actually tested for it since all they did was a clotting test.  From all the googling I've done today it seems that it can only truly be determined if you have it by doing a genetic test.  What would you guys do?

But at least it's Friday!  And almost time to go home!  Hooray!

And if you haven't checked this out...now's as good a time as any:

 

 

Take Back the U.T.E.R.U.S.

Clomid #1 Day 2

Today is my second day of having Clomid in my system.  I'm a bit emotional.  And I've had some crazy creepy dreams.  And that's about it as far as side effects go (so far).

In Clomid's defense, the emotional part may have some outside influence.  Like the fact that as I type this my twin brother is being sliced into.  He broke his tibia and fibula last night.  Now he has to have a rod inserted into his leg. This breaks my heart. 

Recently Twin A's job decided it would be in everyone's best interest to get rid of that pesky ol' insurance.  So my brother's doing all this sans insurance.  And will be sans paycheck for many weeks.  And is in horrible pain.  And this makes me want to sit in a corner and cry like a baby.

These feelings may or may not have been heightened by the Clomid.  But in Clomid's defence (because, as we all know, Clomid is so sensitive to criticism), I used to sit in the corner and sob when Twin A would get spanked when we were younger.  He's always had a knack for getting in trouble.  And for breaking bones.  They're doing a bone density scan, too.

Finally!!!

I have a protocol!!

I won't give all the details of the horror that was yesterday and today and dealing with my doctor's office and the pharmacy, but the general idea is as follows:  

• 
  
  The radiologist didn't get the u/s report to my doctor's office.  The nurse had to call and hope they bothered to rush it to her.   
  
  


• 
  
  All of the doctors in my ob/gyns office are on vacation this week so there was no guarantee that Nurse Rocks could get someone to write a prescription for me. 
  
  


• 
  
  The pharmacy repeatedly told me that no one had called the Clomid in for me, but they hadn't checked the voice mail.  (I kid you not, for a couple of hours they kept telling me to check back because they hadn't finished checking the voice mail.)
  
  


• 
  
  The pharmacy did not have a prescription for me.
  
  


• 
  
  Nurse Rocks, again, called the prescription in for me and explained that the pharmacy was busy so she was unable to talk to the pharmacist and had to leave another message.
  
  

After a week of stress and two days of staying on the verge of tears, I finally have a prescription for Clomid and a game plan!  I've already had my CD3 u/s, so step one is taken care of.  I will start my 50mg Clomid prescription tonight.  For step three I have to call the office on CD19 to have them send a referral for a CD21 blood draw to test my progesterone.  And then I wait a week or so and see what I get.  I wish I could express my relief at finally knowing what's going on (and knowing that my doctor's office is on the same page). 

I am also very relieved that they want to test my progesterone on CD21.  I was worried that I'd have to beg and plead for another test.  Just getting this far (this past month) has taken so many calls to their office that I've truly lost count. 

I'm also relieved that I don't have to call their office for two whole weeks!!!!!  Hoo-freakin-ray!!!!!!!  :-)  I can just about guarantee that Nurse Rocks is just as excited as I am to not have to deal with me for a while.  Ha!

Oh yeah, and the doctor on call that gave me the prescription told Nurse Rocks to make sure I have sex on CD12 - 17 and use "ovulation predictor pee sticks".  I laughed and told her that I had a fertility monitor and OPK sticks.  I've got that covered!

So now I relax (because I finally can exhale for a while), pop a few pills, and wait.

What I was going to say was...

Well, I'm not really sure.  I just don't know what to say lately.  I'm reading all the blogs I normally read, but I just don't know what to put in a comment.  I feel like a total creep for not commenting, but...I just don't know what to say.  :-(

But at least I can give a little update.  I had to cancel my u/s on Friday because CD1 didn't show in time.  I did get my braces on, though.  Can you say "ouch".  Getting the braces on didn't hurt, but since then...waaaaaaaa!!!!  They had to put "build ups" on my lower back molars so I literally can't chew.  My teeth don't touch.  I wouldn't want to chew anyway.  My teeth are actually loose.  You can wiggle them, if you really wanted to.  I've been told the pain/discomfort should lessen in a few more days.   (and in this pic, that is as close as my teeth come to touching.)



AF decided to show up Saturday morning.  5 am.  While I had a hangover.  With brand new braces.  I'm sure that I looked hilarious walking around the house hunched over with makeup smeared around my eyes, my bathrobe paired with my shirt from the night before, one hand cupping my aching mouth and the other cupping my excruciatingly painful abdomen desperately trying to gather my thoughts long enough to find the ibuprofen.  I have only had cramps this badly one time in my life.  But at least the bitch finally showed up!But today is a new day.  I was "cleared".  The u/s tech that wanded me today also works for the local fertility clinic so she knew a little more than your typical hospital u/s technician.  Woo hoo!  She explained that I was there for a "clearing".  She was also kind enough to turn the screen my way and point out my ovaries and the lack of cysts on them.  She said I had a "follicular cyst" which was expected at CD3 from last cycle.  She said there were plenty of possibilities for eggs, too.  There was a more technical term she used (not antral follicles) but I can't remember it.  She sent me on my way with a very heartfelt sounding "good luck"!I called my doctor's office (she's on vacation but the nurse told me Friday that one of the other doctors would write the prescription for me) and left a message letting them know what the technician said, but understood that they would have to have a doctor read the report.  And that I would appreciate it if they could either write the script by noon and I could come pick it up or if they could call it in for me because tomorrow is CD4 and I need to start it CD5.  Now I try to be patient.  But I did begin the message by giving my name, telephone number, and my status as most annoying patient.  :-)Hopefully I'll be able to put a few of the words in my head together and begin leaving some comments.  I really do care!  I promise!

Update

Nurse Rocks finally called me back at 4:53 yesterday afternoon.  She said that the Dr. wants me to have an u/s to check for cysts.  She's supposed to call me this morning with the appointment time for tomorrow.   (yay...one man prodding in my mouth for an hour or so in the morning and another prodding at my girly bits that afternoon...and I'm not even getting a meal out of these dates!)  It's supposed to be CD2 tomorrow, but AF may not be cooperating.

I was so excited that Nurse Rocks called back that I really forgot about asking any other questions.  Like:  If I have to have an u/s at the hospital Friday afternoon before I can get a prescription, when am I going to get the prescription?  If today is CD1 (i hope i hope i hope) and the office is closed over the weekend, I wouldn't be able to get a script and get it filled until late CD5.  That's no good.  And do I need to get CD3 blood-work?  Hello?  Are you still there?

Hopefully they'll call me early this morning so I can get all of my questions answered today.  If I'm going to do this, I need to know that things are at least planned to go smoothly.

***UPDATED***

Nurse Rocks called.  I'm scheduled for tomorrow afternoon for my u/s to check for cysts.  I'll call them back on Monday to make sure the u/s was clear and to get a prescription for Clomid.  Let's hope tomorrow is CD1.  If it isn't (if it's CD2 instead) then I won't get my Clomid until late CD5.  WTF?  If CD1 doesn't come in time, I'll have to reschedule the u/s. 

She actually asked if I wanted to wait and schedule this for next month.  Are you kidding me?  What makes me think that they'll have their shit together next month?  Dr. never mentioned anything to Nurse Rocks about any sort of blood-work, either.  And it's no big deal to them if this doesn't get done in time to actually start the Clomid?  WTFWTFWTFWTF!!!!???!?!?!

So this might happen this month.  It might not. 

I'm looking at other doctors, now.  I can't do an RE, yet (insurance won't cover it and right now I need to start at the beginning, which insurance does cover).  But I've found what look to be some really good doctors.  At least that will keep my busy today so I don't sit and obsess about how frustrating my current office is.

Sigh.

Better

Thank you all so much for your support.  My pity party is now over (for the most part).  I know it's only Clomid and it's not that big of a deal.  I mean, come on!  I AM A CLOMID BABY!!!  This should give me hope.  I'm not ending anything, just beginning a slightly different part of my journey.  And I will walk into this with positive thoughts!  And if I end up doing IUIs, it's OK and I will be positive.  And if I end up doing IVF, it's OK and I will be positive.  This is the journey that I know is mine, and I will be positive!  I've even talked to my Mom and Sister about it (and didn't get the "just relax" like I usually get from my sister). 

The only hitch I'm running into right now is from my doctor.  I called the office yesterday to let them know CD1 should be here any day and to get my prescription and find out what their protocol was...no notes.  My doctor didn't make any notes in my file about Clomid.  Huh?  WTF was the HSG for?  "To make sure your tubes are clear before we start you on Clomid" was what I was originally told.  Luckily the doctor's nurse rocks.  So she's going to talk to the doc about it today and see what needs to be done.  (My doc is always so busy that this seems to be a norm for her.  The good thing is her nurse makes sure that things get done.  But don't get me wrong, my doctor is wonderful, just not 100% wonderful at multi-tasking.)  She'll get back to me today.

So anyone interested in my latest addiction?  I played the free on-line version for a while, but now I'm jumping in with both feet.  I ordered it yesterday!!!  Fate.  I LOVE it!  It should be here today!!!  Yay!!!!  So if I get a little quiet...I'm not wallowing in stupid self pity, I'm playing a game!

11DPO

I'm pms-ing.  That's not good.  And I know that so many pms symptoms are so similar to BFP symptoms...but there's no way.  These aren't "something's happening" cramps...they're AF cramps.  These aren't "mood swings" these are get-away -from-me-before-i-kill-you-and-hide-your-body-in-the-freezer moods.  And that depresses the absolute hell out of me. 

I don't even want to talk to anyone IRL about it.  I don't want to remind those that know that this ends my "all-natural" baby making.  (Come on...really...what's natural about peeing on a stick for 10 - 20 days a month, timing sex, and using special lubricants?)  I know it's only Clomid, but it's more than I wanted.  Yeah, so what.  I know.  But it's breaking my heart.  I.  Don't.  Want.  This.

So while I'm thinking about what I need to do to make sure that I can get the prescription for Clomid in time, I'm beginning to figure out what I need to do to do an IUI...and that leads me (in my mind) to IVF.  I can't plan one without beginning planning for the other.  It's a vicious cycle that I can't get out of.  And I find myself thinking about these things all the time.  As if planning is giving me some form of control.  The worst part of this is that my mind never takes a break from it.  I'm exhausted.  I want to think about something else for a while...maybe just an hour.

Now on a completely different note:

Thank you all so much for your support with the dentist's appointment.  It really went better than I expected.  I was so excited by talking about my braces that the not-being-pregnant didn't really bother me too much.  But the love and support I got from you guys made it even better.  Just in case no one has told you today...YOU ROCK!