Last night I held my husband's hand as he trembled. His face was ashen. His fear was very evident. It terrified me.
Tim has used tobacco products in one form or another since he was a teenager. So has everyone in his family except one grandparent. As long as I've known him he's used smokeless tobacco, he's dipped. He quit before our wedding and didn't pick it back up for almost 6 months. He quit again a few months ago, but picked it back up when the depression and stress became too much for him. He quit again last night.
Every night he brushes his teeth and uses mouth wash. Last night he inspected his gums and mouth and was horrified at what he saw. There are patches inside his cheeks that look like they've been shredded and his gums are discolored and oddly textured. This could be bad. This could be very bad.
Tim's going to give himself a few days to see if the "magic mouthwash" he's using will help his mouth. If not, it's off to the doctor he goes with prayers that this isn't cancer.
Because it could be.
And we're both terrified.
Showing posts with label fear and doubt. Show all posts
Showing posts with label fear and doubt. Show all posts
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
A Change of Mind
Last night I told Tim I didn't think we should be trying for another baby right now.
We've been bickering (not really fighting, but constant bickering) a lot lately. It feels like he's angry at me all the time, and I don't know why. He makes constant comments about things I'm doing wrong or not doing, but won't come right out and tell me what it is he thinks I should be doing. On the other hand, his constant negativity is about to drive me up a wall. He is constantly working on one project or another then complaining because he doesn't think he spends enough time with the kids. Whenever he sits down long enough to do anything with the boys he ends up laying down and falling asleep on the couch. His tone and attitude are poisoning the house.
I expressed a lot of this to him last night and his response was that our sex life sucks. Why yes, yes it does! The combination of my low self esteem and his complete negativity kills any sex drive I could ever muster up. Who wants to get all romantic right after their husband has finished slamming a door because "nothing ever goes right!!!!"? Give me a break! And as far as my self esteem goes? Well...my weight isn't helping (or going down because I just don't want to diet right now). You know what else doesn't help? Having a husband that gets pissed off because I haven't gone to the grocery store (did I blog about that yet?) then turns around and grabs my ass like I'm a piece of meat? Kind of makes a girl think the only reason she's around is to cook and put out.
So we had a long talk last night and didn't seem to get anything resloved. He said he still wanted to try for another, but feels the only reason we have sex it to conceive (ummm...sure...because sex 6 days before earliest possible ovulation has a chance. yeah). I told him that I didn't think adding another baby would help our stress levels. I'm concerned about our marriage and don't want to add anymore to our plates.
Then today I get this:
Tim was supposed to be out of town for my peak fertile days this month, but it didn't happen. I don't know of another cycle that I ovulated before CD17.
My last miscarriage happened 6 months ago yesterday. I would have been 35 weeks tomorrow. I wonder what state our marriage and my mental health would be in if the baby had been healthy.
We've been bickering (not really fighting, but constant bickering) a lot lately. It feels like he's angry at me all the time, and I don't know why. He makes constant comments about things I'm doing wrong or not doing, but won't come right out and tell me what it is he thinks I should be doing. On the other hand, his constant negativity is about to drive me up a wall. He is constantly working on one project or another then complaining because he doesn't think he spends enough time with the kids. Whenever he sits down long enough to do anything with the boys he ends up laying down and falling asleep on the couch. His tone and attitude are poisoning the house.
I expressed a lot of this to him last night and his response was that our sex life sucks. Why yes, yes it does! The combination of my low self esteem and his complete negativity kills any sex drive I could ever muster up. Who wants to get all romantic right after their husband has finished slamming a door because "nothing ever goes right!!!!"? Give me a break! And as far as my self esteem goes? Well...my weight isn't helping (or going down because I just don't want to diet right now). You know what else doesn't help? Having a husband that gets pissed off because I haven't gone to the grocery store (did I blog about that yet?) then turns around and grabs my ass like I'm a piece of meat? Kind of makes a girl think the only reason she's around is to cook and put out.
So we had a long talk last night and didn't seem to get anything resloved. He said he still wanted to try for another, but feels the only reason we have sex it to conceive (ummm...sure...because sex 6 days before earliest possible ovulation has a chance. yeah). I told him that I didn't think adding another baby would help our stress levels. I'm concerned about our marriage and don't want to add anymore to our plates.
Then today I get this:
Tim was supposed to be out of town for my peak fertile days this month, but it didn't happen. I don't know of another cycle that I ovulated before CD17.
My last miscarriage happened 6 months ago yesterday. I would have been 35 weeks tomorrow. I wonder what state our marriage and my mental health would be in if the baby had been healthy.
Friday, September 26, 2008
I promised a non-PG related post, but...
I screwed up. I had to google a condition so I could remember what it's called and now I'm filled with fear. At my growth scan yesterday they found that both of the boys are suddenly measuring about a week ahead, where they've been pretty much on target (give or take a day) since the beginning. Both boys also have hydramnios, excessive amniotic fluid. I really just wanted to remember the name of the condition but of course couldn't stop myself from reading the possible causes once the googling had been done. Twin to twin transfusion was long ago ruled out. Gestational diabetes was ruled out yesterday. Now the causes have left seem to be infections and chromosomal defects. Fuck I'm scared. But what's the chance they would both have the same infection or chromosomal disorder? They're most definitely fraternal (we finally got good face shots of Baby A and he has a lot of my features while Baby B has always had more of Mr. W's features).
Either way it goes, I'm hormonal as hell so I'm scared pretty easily right now. For example: after my braxton hicks started last week it seemed that I wasn't feeling Baby B too much. I silently freaked out for a week. Yesterdays scan it revealed that Baby B had flipped and is now breach. That explains why I didn't feel him as much. But today was my last day at work and Mr. W is going out of town with work for two weeks beginning tomorrow. I've got two weeks until my next scheduled appointment with my doctor. I don't think the rational part of my brain is going to be able to hold out against the hormonal irrational side for two weeks while sitting home by myself all day and all night. I'm going to email my midwife and find out what the next step is in this matter. I have the distinct feeling that she's going to tell me I need to wait until my next growth scan (3 weeks instead of 4) to see if the excessive fluid and sudden growth is more/less/no change.
Another, quite possibly irrational, fear that I have is that they've moved my growth scan up by a week is because they're comfortable delivering twins at 30 weeks. The comment was made to me that as long as they made it to 30 weeks then everything would be fine. By whose definition? Not by mine! Sure, they're chance is pretty good, but still. I'm worried that they're doing the scan at 30 weeks so if the condition hasn't improved or has worsened they can give me an amniocentesis without as much fear of preterm delivery killing the boys. Again, this is probably an irrational fear. A) The chance of my water breaking due to an amnio is not that high B) They probably moved my growth scan up to 30 weeks because of the fact that it's 30 weeks (instead of having it at 31 weeks). I mean, my last scan is supposed to be at 34 weeks because they figure that I'll go any time after that.
I love these little lives inside of me more than I thought that I ever would. I can't quit thinking about the what-ifs, but can't imagine my life without them. I need some peace and some serenity. If I can't get that, I guess I'll have to settle for some serious housecleaning and crocheting to preoccupy myself instead. :-)
Either way it goes, I'm hormonal as hell so I'm scared pretty easily right now. For example: after my braxton hicks started last week it seemed that I wasn't feeling Baby B too much. I silently freaked out for a week. Yesterdays scan it revealed that Baby B had flipped and is now breach. That explains why I didn't feel him as much. But today was my last day at work and Mr. W is going out of town with work for two weeks beginning tomorrow. I've got two weeks until my next scheduled appointment with my doctor. I don't think the rational part of my brain is going to be able to hold out against the hormonal irrational side for two weeks while sitting home by myself all day and all night. I'm going to email my midwife and find out what the next step is in this matter. I have the distinct feeling that she's going to tell me I need to wait until my next growth scan (3 weeks instead of 4) to see if the excessive fluid and sudden growth is more/less/no change.
Another, quite possibly irrational, fear that I have is that they've moved my growth scan up by a week is because they're comfortable delivering twins at 30 weeks. The comment was made to me that as long as they made it to 30 weeks then everything would be fine. By whose definition? Not by mine! Sure, they're chance is pretty good, but still. I'm worried that they're doing the scan at 30 weeks so if the condition hasn't improved or has worsened they can give me an amniocentesis without as much fear of preterm delivery killing the boys. Again, this is probably an irrational fear. A) The chance of my water breaking due to an amnio is not that high B) They probably moved my growth scan up to 30 weeks because of the fact that it's 30 weeks (instead of having it at 31 weeks). I mean, my last scan is supposed to be at 34 weeks because they figure that I'll go any time after that.
I love these little lives inside of me more than I thought that I ever would. I can't quit thinking about the what-ifs, but can't imagine my life without them. I need some peace and some serenity. If I can't get that, I guess I'll have to settle for some serious housecleaning and crocheting to preoccupy myself instead. :-)
Friday, September 19, 2008
Ramblings and semi-updates
Sorry for being so MIA. I know been less than two weeks since I've posted, but I've barely been reading or commenting. I'm bad, I know.
Right now I feel like hibernating. I just want to cocoon and hide and wake up in a few months. I guess it's the hormones, but I just feel like this is all so surreal. I don't want to wake up until it's really real and I'm holding these boys in my arms.
I had an OB appointment the other day and it went really well. The midwife said my weight gain is perfectly within normal limits. She said the the doctor I'd seen at my previous visit wasn't too familiar with twin pregnancies so he just didn't know as much. She also told me to take the Zofran if I needed it, that it was better for me to have more good days than bad, and that I could continue the medicine throughout the pregnancy if needed. I saw a doppler for the first time in my life and got to hear the boys heartbeats. Of course Baby A wasn't too fond of it so he made it difficult. Baby B, the calm one IMO, barely moved while she was checking him.
I found out that the majority of the doctors that could end up delivering me have no problem doing a vaginal birth as long as Baby A is in a good position. They will (can't remember the exact term she used) reach in and get Baby B if he's breach or transverse. This made me feel good because I'd like to deliver vaginally if possible. I really don't want to deliver Baby A vaginally then have to have a C-section for Baby B. She said they'd only do that if absolutely necessary. She also said that since I'm having twins I always have the option of having a C-section. I was informed that I should expect to go into labor all on my own around 36 weeks, but that if I didn't they wouldn't let me go past 38 weeks. That was honestly a relief. All in all it was a very good appointment.
I scheduled my birthing classes. Mr. W will be out of town for the first one, but the classes last a month and I just can't risk waiting until the November class. I tried to schedule a breast feeding class, but the only one that's open is late November. I tentatively scheduled it, but I'm not sure I'll be able to make it.
Braxton Hicks suck. I didn't figure out that the odd feelings I'd been having were contractions until Thursday afternoon. Then it kind of hit me. Duh. But I only figured it out then because I'd been having so many of them. I called the clinic and when I finally heard back from a nurse she pretty much calmed me down. It turns out that my body is ready to be done with work. Apparently a desk job is just too much right now. Seriously? Yup, seriously. And the desk job is also the reason that I'm so damn swollen (I'm talking stretchy flip flops leave huge dents in my marshmallow feet swollen). She tried to tell me that it was because I wasn't drinking enough water, but I assured her I was drinking even more than they recommended. She asked if I was taking breaks at work to lay down for 20-30 minutes throughout the day. Um...does she have that option at her job? Really. Luckily I only have one week left before I'm done with work. I even explained to my bosses that if the contractions started acting up while I was at work, that I was taking a break (in their office none the less) and laying down for 20 or so minutes. At this point what can they say? You're fired...hahahahah! That would be hilarious, actually. I'd like to see them train my replacement.
Oh yeah, and I guess I didn't get the no-stretch-mark gene. Everything below the belly button looks shredded. Mr. W tried to comfort me by saying something about loving them because I got them bearing his children. He kind of counteracted that sweet comment about a week later when he saw me sans clothing, realized just how big my belly really is, and said, "I hope you're able to get your figure back." Um....in fact I'm more than likely never going to quite get my figure back. I can lose the weight and everything will shrink back some, but once you're stretched out to a certain point only surgery can fix it. I told him that it disturbed me that he had even said that and of course he came back with something along the lines of loving my body regardless. Yeah yeah yeah. Whatever.
Well, I've rambled enough. Now I'm going to go to bed. I promise, I may not be reading much and commenting less, but I am thinking of you all!!!
Right now I feel like hibernating. I just want to cocoon and hide and wake up in a few months. I guess it's the hormones, but I just feel like this is all so surreal. I don't want to wake up until it's really real and I'm holding these boys in my arms.
I had an OB appointment the other day and it went really well. The midwife said my weight gain is perfectly within normal limits. She said the the doctor I'd seen at my previous visit wasn't too familiar with twin pregnancies so he just didn't know as much. She also told me to take the Zofran if I needed it, that it was better for me to have more good days than bad, and that I could continue the medicine throughout the pregnancy if needed. I saw a doppler for the first time in my life and got to hear the boys heartbeats. Of course Baby A wasn't too fond of it so he made it difficult. Baby B, the calm one IMO, barely moved while she was checking him.
I found out that the majority of the doctors that could end up delivering me have no problem doing a vaginal birth as long as Baby A is in a good position. They will (can't remember the exact term she used) reach in and get Baby B if he's breach or transverse. This made me feel good because I'd like to deliver vaginally if possible. I really don't want to deliver Baby A vaginally then have to have a C-section for Baby B. She said they'd only do that if absolutely necessary. She also said that since I'm having twins I always have the option of having a C-section. I was informed that I should expect to go into labor all on my own around 36 weeks, but that if I didn't they wouldn't let me go past 38 weeks. That was honestly a relief. All in all it was a very good appointment.
I scheduled my birthing classes. Mr. W will be out of town for the first one, but the classes last a month and I just can't risk waiting until the November class. I tried to schedule a breast feeding class, but the only one that's open is late November. I tentatively scheduled it, but I'm not sure I'll be able to make it.
Braxton Hicks suck. I didn't figure out that the odd feelings I'd been having were contractions until Thursday afternoon. Then it kind of hit me. Duh. But I only figured it out then because I'd been having so many of them. I called the clinic and when I finally heard back from a nurse she pretty much calmed me down. It turns out that my body is ready to be done with work. Apparently a desk job is just too much right now. Seriously? Yup, seriously. And the desk job is also the reason that I'm so damn swollen (I'm talking stretchy flip flops leave huge dents in my marshmallow feet swollen). She tried to tell me that it was because I wasn't drinking enough water, but I assured her I was drinking even more than they recommended. She asked if I was taking breaks at work to lay down for 20-30 minutes throughout the day. Um...does she have that option at her job? Really. Luckily I only have one week left before I'm done with work. I even explained to my bosses that if the contractions started acting up while I was at work, that I was taking a break (in their office none the less) and laying down for 20 or so minutes. At this point what can they say? You're fired...hahahahah! That would be hilarious, actually. I'd like to see them train my replacement.
Oh yeah, and I guess I didn't get the no-stretch-mark gene. Everything below the belly button looks shredded. Mr. W tried to comfort me by saying something about loving them because I got them bearing his children. He kind of counteracted that sweet comment about a week later when he saw me sans clothing, realized just how big my belly really is, and said, "I hope you're able to get your figure back." Um....in fact I'm more than likely never going to quite get my figure back. I can lose the weight and everything will shrink back some, but once you're stretched out to a certain point only surgery can fix it. I told him that it disturbed me that he had even said that and of course he came back with something along the lines of loving my body regardless. Yeah yeah yeah. Whatever.
Well, I've rambled enough. Now I'm going to go to bed. I promise, I may not be reading much and commenting less, but I am thinking of you all!!!
Thursday, November 8, 2007
So unsure
I am so unsure of myself lately. I have plans and goals and dreams...I'm just not sure of them. My job, my life, my self...just not sure. I feel like I'm doing this all wrong.
Don't get me wrong; I'm not as depressed/hopeless as this post sounds so far. I am just so damn confused! I feel lost in myself, and I'd like out of here, thank you.
I adore my husband, but he's getting on my nerves. I feel like I'm neglecting him, but don't see how. I want to spend all my waking hours with him, but I get upset when one of his trips gets cancelled and I don't get my night to myself.
I hate my job, but can't force myself to leave it. Enough said on that one.
I don't really like who I am right now. I'm bitchy. I'm needy. I'm insert negative feeling one can have towards one's self here. I am still crying randomly.
Mr. W says that this is par for my course. I've not been on medicine for a while, now. This is not something I've ever dealt well with. He says that, while it's not his favorite me, he knows how to and will deal with it. I love that man.
While it's wonderful that Mr. W is ok with this pit of self loathing and confusion that I've thrown myself into, I am not. I would really like out. Now, please.
Now that I've gotten all of that out, can I just tell everyone how much I love this cool weather?! The fact that it's dark when I get off of work doesn't amuse me, but the beautiful weather makes up for it! Anyone for hot chocolate in front of a nice fire? (btw...by cool weather I mean 40-50 at night and 50-60 during the day...I love "cool" coastal weather!)
Don't get me wrong; I'm not as depressed/hopeless as this post sounds so far. I am just so damn confused! I feel lost in myself, and I'd like out of here, thank you.
I adore my husband, but he's getting on my nerves. I feel like I'm neglecting him, but don't see how. I want to spend all my waking hours with him, but I get upset when one of his trips gets cancelled and I don't get my night to myself.
I hate my job, but can't force myself to leave it. Enough said on that one.
I don't really like who I am right now. I'm bitchy. I'm needy. I'm insert negative feeling one can have towards one's self here. I am still crying randomly.
Mr. W says that this is par for my course. I've not been on medicine for a while, now. This is not something I've ever dealt well with. He says that, while it's not his favorite me, he knows how to and will deal with it. I love that man.
While it's wonderful that Mr. W is ok with this pit of self loathing and confusion that I've thrown myself into, I am not. I would really like out. Now, please.
Now that I've gotten all of that out, can I just tell everyone how much I love this cool weather?! The fact that it's dark when I get off of work doesn't amuse me, but the beautiful weather makes up for it! Anyone for hot chocolate in front of a nice fire? (btw...by cool weather I mean 40-50 at night and 50-60 during the day...I love "cool" coastal weather!)
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
What dreams may come
The title really doesn't have anything to do with the post...I just really love that statement. It sounds so hopeful or desperate, depending on what mindset you're in at the moment. I'm a little bit of both right now.
I gave myself a pat on the back yesterday! "You don't even need this Xan.ax! You jumped the gun! You go girl!"
I lied. I spoke too soon. Shortly after my pat-on-the-back I realized I was mistaken. I was wrong.
Last night I was antsy. I woke up this morning to the familiar feeling of needing to vomit. All day I've been...tense, nauseous, wanting to do anything other than what I'm doing.
I don't want to take the meds because they're only a temporary fix. I don't want to go back on meds because I want to go back to TTC after my two month wait. I want to feel better, but I'm not at a place that I can remember how I used to make myself feel better. I want to cry. I want to crawl into bed and cover up and just lay there with my eyes closed, in silence.
I finally got caught up on a lot of overdue blog-reading today. It was actually more comforting that I thought it would be. I didn't have a lot of good comments to leave, like I would have liked, but it was nice. Therapeutic, almost. I feel a little better. I wish I could understand why.
I wish I could understand where this anxiety comes from. The absolute fear and dread...of nothing. I dread going home because my husband may speak to me (wtf???). I dread going to work because I may have to work. I dread going to the sewing class...just because I'd be there.
And I've been here before...but I can't freakin remember how to get out!! And I want out.
Thursday, September 20, 2007
Fear and Doubt *updated*
Doubt doubt doubt.....And fear. They seem to be what rule me right now. And since my OB/Gyn feels that there's no need for a beta or scan or anything until my first exam on 10/04. And it's driving me nuts. I mean on the verge of panic attacks.
I have minimal symptoms. No more symptoms that I do when I'm pms-ing. The little things that I can't relate to something like pms I can relate to anxiety and nerves.
And last night I started the slightest of spotting. And brown non-the-less. But did it comfort me that this is normal? NO! Did I sleep last night? NO! Did I POAS this morning? yes. Did it help comfort me to see the digital "pregnant" NO!!!!!
So I'm doing what I can to hold it together.
Now the "wonderful" husband doesn't understand any of this. He doesn't understand why I can't help him move the furniture or paint the office. He doesn't understand why I'm moody and stressed. And I don't understand why he doesn't understand. His mom "did everything" while she was pregnant. Seriously?!?! Do we really want to go there?
So if you pray, your prayers would be appreciated. I know you all think, so your thoughts would be appreciated, too. Thank you so much for letting me verbally vomit in front of you.
***Update***
After walking in the door and getting snapped at by the "working-on-it" husband, it was on! Let the tears begin. After a few minutes of him ignoring the fact that I was in the other room crying, he ventured near me. I don't know how the topic started, but my waterfall opened and I poured out everything that I've already shared with you. Then I told him how much he hurt me by saying that I'm "over-reacting" by not being willing to paint or move furniture. I then told him that I am terrified because I have no clue what is going on in my body right now and that I need his support. I think I repeated about a dozen more times that I need his support and how scared I am. All of this through tears...while he held me and let me cry. Then he said a few sweet things and it was done. Let's hope things get better, I think they will. Oh...then a couple of minutes later I started crying again out of the blue and then had to laugh when I tried to tell him that I'm "emotional right now". Now I'm crying again. 9 months of crying? I better start drinking a lot more water!!!
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