A Change of Mind

Last night I told Tim I didn't think we should be trying for another baby right now.

We've been bickering (not really fighting, but constant bickering) a lot lately. It feels like he's angry at me all the time, and I don't know why. He makes constant comments about things I'm doing wrong or not doing, but won't come right out and tell me what it is he thinks I should be doing. On the other hand, his constant negativity is about to drive me up a wall. He is constantly working on one project or another then complaining because he doesn't think he spends enough time with the kids. Whenever he sits down long enough to do anything with the boys he ends up laying down and falling asleep on the couch. His tone and attitude are poisoning the house.

I expressed a lot of this to him last night and his response was that our sex life sucks. Why yes, yes it does! The combination of my low self esteem and his complete negativity kills any sex drive I could ever muster up. Who wants to get all romantic right after their husband has finished slamming a door because "nothing ever goes right!!!!"? Give me a break! And as far as my self esteem goes? Well...my weight isn't helping (or going down because I just don't want to diet right now). You know what else doesn't help? Having a husband that gets pissed off because I haven't gone to the grocery store (did I blog about that yet?) then turns around and grabs my ass like I'm a piece of meat? Kind of makes a girl think the only reason she's around is to cook and put out.

So we had a long talk last night and didn't seem to get anything resloved. He said he still wanted to try for another, but feels the only reason we have sex it to conceive (ummm...sure...because sex 6 days before earliest possible ovulation has a chance. yeah).  I told him that I didn't think adding another baby would help our stress levels. I'm concerned about our marriage and don't want to add anymore to our plates.

Then today I get this:

 Tim was supposed to be out of town for my peak fertile days this month, but it didn't happen. I don't know of another cycle that I ovulated before CD17.

My last miscarriage happened 6 months ago yesterday. I would have been 35 weeks tomorrow. I wonder what state our marriage and my mental health would be in if the baby had been healthy.

What dreams may come

The title really doesn't have anything to do with the post...I just really love that statement. It sounds so hopeful or desperate, depending on what mindset you're in at the moment. I'm a little bit of both right now.

I gave myself a pat on the back yesterday! "You don't even need this Xan.ax! You jumped the gun! You go girl!"

I lied. I spoke too soon. Shortly after my pat-on-the-back I realized I was mistaken. I was wrong.

Last night I was antsy. I woke up this morning to the familiar feeling of needing to vomit. All day I've been...tense, nauseous, wanting to do anything other than what I'm doing.

I don't want to take the meds because they're only a temporary fix. I don't want to go back on meds because I want to go back to TTC after my two month wait. I want to feel better, but I'm not at a place that I can remember how I used to make myself feel better. I want to cry. I want to crawl into bed and cover up and just lay there with my eyes closed, in silence.

I finally got caught up on a lot of overdue blog-reading today. It was actually more comforting that I thought it would be. I didn't have a lot of good comments to leave, like I would have liked, but it was nice. Therapeutic, almost. I feel a little better. I wish I could understand why.

I wish I could understand where this anxiety comes from. The absolute fear and dread...of nothing. I dread going home because my husband may speak to me (wtf???). I dread going to work because I may have to work. I dread going to the sewing class...just because I'd be there.

And I've been here before...but I can't freakin remember how to get out!! And I want out.

It's not fair

I'm sorry for my lack of originality, but I'm going to copy and paste the email that I sent to a friend.

"My betas are not going as planned. 24 dpo (cd1) HCG-21...29 dpo HCG-90. It's going the wrong way. And it's too low to be good. I had to have more blood today for another quant. I have to go to the hospital Sunday and Tuesday for repeats. Then I have to have an ultrasound on Wednesday. The doc is worried that it's ectopic. Why can't it just be over. I don't get a baby...so it should be over, now. It's just not fair. i just don't know what to do. i feel so...lost, out of control, sad, angry"

For those of you who haven't read my past posts, these numbers follow my miscarriage last Friday at 5 weeks 4 days. This is becoming a hellacious roller coaster. And I want off.

And if it's ectopic...my biggest fear is damaging a tube.

I think my couch and I will become even closer this weekend than I previously believed possible.

Day 1

So here I am at day one. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. I've ovulated and that is wonderful! But....

There's always a but out there. And it's usually big, at least to the one having to deal with it. I'm not even sure why I'm letting my but bother me right now. BUT I am.

And this but is even worse...cause it's what-ifs. What if I'm not pregnant? What if I don't get pregnant this cycle? What if the OPK was wrong and I didn't ovulate? What if my tubes are blocked and the egg can't get through?

Why do I do this to myself? One day past ovulation and I'm already consumed with these thoughts. I can't even enjoy the fact that I actually ovulated again.

Anyway...I have many thoughts on this, but since I'm already rambling, I'll leave it at this for now.

Thank you for letting me vent.