NaBloPoMo 07

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Preparations

Well...I'm prepared. As prepared as I'll apparantly ever be at this point.

√ - CBE Monitor
√ - CBE Monitor Test Sticks
√ - PreSeed
½ - 2 months TTA
№ - Mr. W in town during December fertile days
№ - HSG

This is as good as it gets, though. My OB/Gyn's office called back. Although my doc thought an HSG would be a good idea a few months ago, now she's changed her mind. I guess just getting a BFP ruled out the necessity. The fact that it turned out to be an ectopic pregnancy doesn't change this lack of necessity? Whatever.

As far as Mr. W being in town when I need him in December...there's nothing I can do. He is government property regardless of what I say or do. My only option is to get over it. (Even though I had to laugh and Nancy's faux idea! Mr. W had just finished joking about just that! Ha!)

I was actually being optimistic before I spoke with my doctor's office. I figured it wouldn't hurt me to wait one more month. I am going to use that time to relax and verify that my CBE monitor is working (because there's no way my body wouldn't work, right). Now I'm a little thrown, though. I really don't like the thought of going into this without the definite knowledge there there's no blockage (partial or otherwise) in my tubes. Grr...one more thing to get over.

I'm really in a better mood that I sound. After all, it's Halloween! And I've got devil horns and heavy makeup on! And all the candy I can eat! Hooray!

You suck

Yeah, that's right. I'm talking to you Military. You really suck! You take Mr. W away at the most inopportune moments. You forced him to miss my Grandpa's funeral. You did not allow him to be there for me at my Granny's funeral. You have taken him away during more than one fertile day. You put him on third shift during my miscarriage. You really suck.

And now...now...I really hate you. We're allowed to start trying again in December. I'm due to ovulate right in the middle of the month. And you have him gone for the TWO WEEKS surrounding my fertile days!!! I HATE YOU!

And I even had a plan...

CD2

And all is well!

No really, I mean it. I feel like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. This weekend was miserable (rather I was miserable this weekend), but the weekend is over.

I realize, now, that I am still grieving, and that's OK. I am OK with it. I finally realize that it's something I have to do until I'm done. It's not within my control to stop the process and it's not healthy to try to control it. As long as I don't try to push it down and force it away then it's bearable. I. Am. OK. :-)

And yesterday AF came. I WAS ELATED!!! This is a new feeling for me, being happy that AF has arrived. But she is here on time!!! Shock! Gasp! 28 days prior to her arrival I had begun (yet again) cramping and spotting (not the miscarriage, the bleeding that began a week or so afterwards). I am so happy that she's here! It also helps to explain why the emotions were smothering this past weekend. That little hussy always makes it harder than it should be. But she's here and I feel better.

And I have a plan! I'm going to put my reasoning in another post, but the plan is set. I've got to call the doc today to schedule an HSG. I'm planning on getting the sticks for my CBE tomorrow. I'll monitor and watch the rest of this month to verify that I'm ovulating as I should be. In 27 days AF should be making another appearance and we're home free! In December we'll be watching the monitor and timing BD while using preseed. I figure I can do that for a few more months before I will demand some further action.

Right now I've decided to give my body a few more months to do this on it's own. (well, of course with Mr. W's help). After all, my cycles have only been regular since August. Before that my doctor wasn't even sure I was ovulating. I'll give my body one warning, though. The first month I don't get a positive OPK, she's in trouble!

So I'm calming down. I'm hopeful. And I've got a plan! What more could I want on CD2? :-)

You Ta.ste Funny! (tmi)

This is what Mr. W said to me the other night. Oddly enough, I've heard this from him before. (I've heard this before...not from him...but shhhhh) From the description I've been given, I am "acidic".

This used to confuse me a little. Of course, it also used to seriously wound my ego. Who wants that sort of comment, after all. I'm pretty sure I have a clue as to why this is, now. And I can see it directly relating to my inability to get pregnant after a lifetime of unprotected sex.

I not only taste acidic, but I am acidic. Well...my hoo-haa is. How does this relate to IF? Follow me here.

The walls of the hoo-haa are supposed to be a little acidic, it helps cut down on the unwanted flora and fauna. During ovulation the cervical mucus is supposed to be more alkaline. Semen is more alkaline, too. This is one of the reasons that fertile CM and semen get along so well.

You with me so far?

What if my fertile CM (I actually don't produce this in copious amounts anyway) is not alkaline enough? What if my hoo-haa is just a tad more acidic in general? This would make my hoo-haa hostile to sperm! This would explain why my body has stayed pregnancy free for so long. This would explain why the first time Mr. W and I used preseed, I received my first ever BFP.

Now of course I'm only working with Dr. Google on this one, but if all of this could be true, then we should be able to time BD with preseed (to counteract my hostile hoo-haa) and get another BFP in the time it would take a fertile couple. Right?

Anyone agree with me on this one? Anyone have any experience with pH issues? All comments or questions are welcome!

It's still not tomorrow

But it does feel a little closer.

I forced myself to go out last night. An old friend was having an oyster roast, so why not. I wasn't completely in the mood (obvious from last post), but I did it anyway. I made myself actually fix my hair and put on makeup. I made myself drive over then and be social. And I enjoyed it! Shock! Gasp! It wasn't a huge get together. It was small and calm, but nice. No one asked me anything about TTC or my loss. I brought it up once. It was relaxing.

And I ate. I blew my diet out of the water. And I don't care. I've decided that I'm not ready to diet, yet. I don't want to gain back anymore weight, but I don't want to deny myself right now. Food has always been very comforting for me.

I finally had one of those moments I've heard about. Mr. W and I were at Crac.ker Bar.rel and I almost had to go back home. I was looking at Christmas ornaments and happened across a "Baby's first Christmas". I just about lost it. Luckily my eyelids can blink very fast. Fast enough to force tears back. I'm not sure what triggered the second episode (less than 5 minutes later), but Mr. W was there that time and hugged me so I could hide my face for a minute. then I'm guessing he saw the very pregnant woman heading towards me because he ushered me outside a minute later. Unfortunately she didn't make it to her car before I turned around. But I'd luckily managed to get myself under control by then.

Lunch was pretty uneventful after my initial drama.

I just can't understand why every little baby thing bothers me unless it's directly related to a friend who's suffered with IF. Maybe if I pretended that everyone I see has had to live through it to get where they are. That's a thought.

Running crazy

I am so confused right now. My emotions are running wild. This is not my idea of fun.


I realized the other day that I would have been 10 weeks and 4 days. It was not a reminder I should have sought out.


In all logical thinking, I know that I was never as far along as I thought I was. Chronologically speaking, I was, but physically and literally, I was not. My pregnancy was pretty much a failed ectopic one. Not a loss at 5 weeks 4 days. Not a miscarriage, as we thought. Just a really tiny failed ectopic pregnancy.


Then why does it still hurt so much. Why did I find myself fighting to not walk out of work yesterday just because I didn't want to be there. Why am I unable to carry a decent conversation with Mr. W. Why am I crying while watching Silence of the Lambs.


I have so much hope for the future...the present is just weighing me down. Right now tomorrow never comes. It's always a day away.


And my heart hurts. I have so much to do today, but my heart hurts and it's making me cry.

One of my fav kitchen items... (for geohde)

Vida.lia Chop Wiza.rd

This is one of my favorite tools in my kitchen. I bought it only because I'm a compulsive shopper and I love cooking/kitchen tools. It turns out it was worth it, though!

I no longer "dice" anything. I cut it in 1/2 and push it through my chop wiza.rd. IE the chili recipe I posted...the celery, onion, pepper, and whatever else was supposed to be chopped, got shoved through this.

This thing is a total blessing for me. I'm sure it has saved many fingertips in the months that I've owned it. I may love cooking, but I am dangerous with a knife (and I don't mean that in a good way). I also love sharp knives. Sharp knives and bad knife skills do not equal kitchen safety! Hahaha!

Beef and Bean Chili

Beef and Bean Chili

POINTS® Value: 8
Servings: 6
Preparation Time: 28 min
Cooking Time: 40 min
Level of Difficulty: Moderate

Ingredients

• 2 tsp olive oil
• 1 medium onion(s), chopped
• 2 medium stalk celery, chopped
• 2 medium garlic clove(s), minced
• 1 small jalapeno pepper(s), seeded and minced
• 1 pound lean ground sirloin
• 2 Tbsp chili powder
• 2 tsp ground cumin
• 1 tsp dried oregano
• 2 piece bay leaf
• 1/2 tsp table salt
• 1/2 tsp red pepper flakes, or more to taste
• 28 oz canned crushed tomatoes
• 1 cup canned beef broth, reduced-sodium
• 8 oz canned tomato sauce
• 30 oz canned kidney beans, rinsed and drained
• 1/2 cup shallot(s), chopped

Instructions

1. Heat oil in a large stockpot over medium-high heat. Add onion, celery, garlic, and jalapeño and sauté 4 minutes, until tender. Add beef and sauté until browned and cooked through, breaking up the meat as it cooks, about 5 minutes; drain mixture through a colander to remove excess fat.
2. Return beef mixture to pan (set over medium-high heat) and add chili powder, cumin, oregano, bay leaves, salt and red pepper flakes; stir to coat vegetables and beef with spices. Add tomatoes, beef broth, tomato sauce and beans, and bring mixture to a boil; reduce heat and simmer, partially covered, for 30 minutes.
3. To serve, discard bay leaves, ladle chili into bowls and top with chopped shallots. Yields about 1 1/2 cups per serving.

Yay!!

Check out the good news!!!
http://fertilizeme.blogspot.com/2007/10/i-am-what-i-am.html

Oh...and if you don't subscribe to Lost and Found and Connections Abound , I highly suggest you do. It's a wonderful way to keep up on people you already know and love and to find new friends or lost friends!

In case you ever want to know...

You should not wear a skirt to physical therapy.

(this pic is not an acutal representation of what it looks like when a physical therpay patient wears a skirt...but you get the idea. haha!)

You're killing me!

I tried to write a letter to my diet to express my displeasure with it, but it just didn't quite work. It wasn't as amusing as I had hoped it would be.

Today is day 3 of Wei.ght Wa.tchers. Even though I had a glazed doughnut this morning, I'm still within my points. Yay! All of the greens and veggies are killing me, though! And the fiber, I can't forget the fiber. The build up of gas in my intestines has become unbearable! The distension and pain are not amusing! Ugh!!! And I'm always hungry. Grrrrrr....

I know! I know! I've done this before. After a week, the hunger will calm down. I won't stay hungry. I also know the issues with all the added fiber and veggies will go away, too. I want it to stop now, though! (stomping my feet and throwing my arms around) NOW!

And in case anyone ever wonders, one Kri.spy Kre.me Doughnuts chocolate iced custard filled doughnut is 7 points. And soooo worth it!!! (and this is in addition to the glazed doughnut with breakfast)

Oh, and I added a weight loss counter up top, too. It's an old code that I updated so my starting weight is what it was when I first started Wei.ght Wat.chers in April (maybe June).

Baked Beef Ziti

Baked Beef Ziti

POINTS® Value: 5
Servings: 8
Preparation Time: 25 min
Cooking Time: 50 min
Level of Difficulty: Moderate

Ingredients:

• 12 oz uncooked ziti
• 1 tsp olive oil
• 2 medium garlic clove(s), minced
• 1/3 pound raw lean ground beef
• 1 tsp dried oregano
• 1 tsp dried thyme
• 1 tsp dried rosemary
• 1/2 tsp table salt
• 1/2 tsp black pepper
• 28 oz canned crushed tomatoes
• 1 cup part-skim mozzarella cheese, shredded

Instructions

1. Preheat oven to 350°F.
2. Cook pasta according to package directions without added fat or salt; drain and set aside.
3. Meanwhile, heat oil in a medium saucepan over medium heat; add garlic and sauté 2 minutes. Add beef and cook until browned, breaking up the meat as it cooks, about 3 to 5 minutes; drain off any fat and return pan to heat.
4. Add oregano, thyme, rosemary, salt and pepper; stir to coat beef. Cook until herbs become fragrant, about 2 minutes.
5. Add tomatoes and bring mixture to a boil; reduce heat and simmer for 5 minutes.
6. Spoon a small amount of tomato mixture into the bottom of a 4-quart casserole dish (just enough to cover the surface). Top with half of the cooked ziti and then layer with half of the remaining tomato sauce and half of the mozzarella cheese. Layer remaining ziti on top and top with remaining sauce and mozzarella cheese.
7. Bake until cheese is golden and bubbly, about 30 minutes.

Yields about 1 cup per serving.

Show some love...

Farah could really use some love right now. I'm sure just about anyone who reads this already reads her, but just in case.

Any suggestions? (with updated questions)

Does anyone have any contraceptive ideas? We've been ordered to use two forms until we're out of our two month waiting period. I think I can handle the cond.oms. I cannot handle the foam. I am still having some discomfort this morning from that goop!

I am super sensitive. I had hoped that since a couple of years had passed that I would possibly be a little less sensitive, but it appears I am not. I can tolerate the latex from the cond.oms (and if this changes, I'll switch to non-latex or lambskin). I cannot tolerate "foam". I cannot use a diaphragm (a couple of reasons. if anyone really wants to know, I'm happy to share). Does anyone have anymore suggestions? I'd hate to double up and use a male and female cond.om. I have the sneaking suspicion that it would possibly negate the purpose of recreational s.e.x.

So, that's my TMI for the day. I'd love any input or comments anyone has! Thank you!!!

***Updated questions***

Has anyone ever used or heard anything about the "sponge"?
Does anyone know of any spermicides besides Nono.xynol-9?

Fermeture...Schliessen...Chiusura...Fechamento...Encierro

Closure...

My hCG level was 5 yesterday!!! Yay!!!!! This means a couple of things:

1. My cycles should start getting back to "normal" (hopefully)
2. Mr. W and I are going to be a little busy tonight! Yay!!!

This second one especially rocks because I'm leaving for the weekend tomorrow at noon. I really hate for either one of us to leave on a trip without a little bit of lovin'.

Looks like my wish came true! Maybe I should wish for $1,000,000 next...

***UPDATE***

SHIT! It just hit me that I had made a deal with myself that I'd start Weight Watchers when my hCG hit negative. Can't start this weekend because I'll be at Carowinds. I guess it's back to the diet-grind on Monday. Ugh! Wish me luck!!! :-)

What dreams may come

The title really doesn't have anything to do with the post...I just really love that statement. It sounds so hopeful or desperate, depending on what mindset you're in at the moment. I'm a little bit of both right now.

I gave myself a pat on the back yesterday! "You don't even need this Xan.ax! You jumped the gun! You go girl!"

I lied. I spoke too soon. Shortly after my pat-on-the-back I realized I was mistaken. I was wrong.

Last night I was antsy. I woke up this morning to the familiar feeling of needing to vomit. All day I've been...tense, nauseous, wanting to do anything other than what I'm doing.

I don't want to take the meds because they're only a temporary fix. I don't want to go back on meds because I want to go back to TTC after my two month wait. I want to feel better, but I'm not at a place that I can remember how I used to make myself feel better. I want to cry. I want to crawl into bed and cover up and just lay there with my eyes closed, in silence.

I finally got caught up on a lot of overdue blog-reading today. It was actually more comforting that I thought it would be. I didn't have a lot of good comments to leave, like I would have liked, but it was nice. Therapeutic, almost. I feel a little better. I wish I could understand why.

I wish I could understand where this anxiety comes from. The absolute fear and dread...of nothing. I dread going home because my husband may speak to me (wtf???). I dread going to work because I may have to work. I dread going to the sewing class...just because I'd be there.

And I've been here before...but I can't freakin remember how to get out!! And I want out.

Garlic Cream Shrimp with Rigatoni

Garlic Cream Shrimp with Rigatoni

Ingredients

• 12oz uncooked rigatoni
• 1 medium onion, chopped
• 3 medium garlic cloves, minced
• 1 large sweet red pepper, chopped
• 4 Tbsp reduced-fat sour cream
• 1/4 cup wine, white, dry
• 1 pound shrimp, medium, flesh only or 2lbs, peeled and deveined
• 4 medium scallions, chopped
• 2 Tbsp fresh parsley, chopped

Instructions

Cook rigatoni according to package directions. Drain and set aside.

Coat a nonstick pan with cooking spray, heat and add onions, garlic and pepper. Cook for 2 minutes, lower heat and stir in sour cream and wine. Add shrimp and cook until pink.

Stir in rigatoni, scallions, and parsley and warm through.

I love this recipe! It is not mine, though. It's from Weight Watchers (10 points per serving, 4 servings total). And since Mr. W is allergic to anything from the water, I get to enjoy this while he's out of town! I knew there was an upside to his job! :-)

Show her some love

My dear friend Farah could use some love and support right now. She's going through a really rough time right now. Please show her some blog-love!

http://fertilizeme.blogspot.com/

Score one for me!

I finally heard from the doctor's office at 10:30 (they called in on another line after I had been sitting on hold with their office for about 2 minutes). My doctor had conferred with two other doctor's in the practice and they decided that although my numbers are not doing exactly what they would like, they're low enough. And they're moving in the downward direction. I did not have to have more methotrexate today. Yay!!!!

As soon as they told me this, I asked if they would have the doctor call in something for my nerves. Before I got serious with my TTC journey, I was on medication for anxiety. Up until this part of my journey, I have managed to keep my anxiety at bay. Not now. The roller coaster that I have been on is too much.

I have found myself on the verge of a pretty nasty cliff the past week. At the bottom of this cliff is a lot of nasty emotions. Emotions that I have managed to move past. Emotions that are not even real...they're reactions to unrealistic views that I had years ago. I do not want to go off this cliff and I will not go off this cliff.

So hopefully this roller coaster is coming to an end. Hopefully my numbers will continue to drop at a decent rate. Hopefully a few xa.nax are all I need to keep me sane until I manage to sort through all of this in my mind.

And there's always tomorrow! And tomorrow can always be something better than today!!!

update

4 days after the methotrexate hCG is 36
7 days after the methotrexate hCG is 32
9 days after the methotrexate hCG is 29

This is only a 9% drop. The doc says it's not good enough. They waited until 5:15 to call me and tell me this (if anyone can tell me the point of putting a "stat" on my blood order, I'd appreciate it). Tomorrow morning they'll call me to let me know what time to come in for more shots. I'll have to go by the pharmacy and pick up the vials of stuff, first. Then it will be back to work because they're pissed about all the time I've missed because I can't even do an ectopic pregnancy correctly.

Tonight's dinner consisted of a caramel and chocolate syrup sundae, cookies, and pretzels (I did not mix the sugar with the salt, at least).

Factoids and Updates

8 Things about me

1. I crochet. I have a seriously limited attention span, therefore I only crochet small projects; mostly baby booties. Let me tell you how many people ask you "Are you pregnant?" when they see you making a baby bootie. Since when do you have to be knocked up to crochet baby items?!?!


2. I am addicted to TV. I DVR about 10 - 12 shows per week.


3. I have a twin brother. We are clo.mid babies.


4. It seems that fertility issues runs in the family. My grandmother had to have "painful treatments" to conceive my Mom. My Mom had 3 rounds of clo.mid before conceiving me and my brother. My sister tried for two years before conceiving my nephew.


5. I am a natural red-head, but I was born blonde. I had brown hair in middle school. I had red hair in high school. All of these were natural at the time.


6. I am just a TMI person. IRL and online, I give TMI. To friends, family, coworkers, perfect strangers. I guess it’s due, in part, to my lack of modesty. It’s also due, I like to think, in part to my way of thinking. I think of my life in a clinical manner. I break it down scientifically and psychologically. I try to learn from my experiences that way. Either way it goes, beware what you ask because I WILL be honest. Ha!


7. I once lived with a man that I met online. I moved in with him two weeks after I met him IRL. I had known him a maximum of two months. (Not knocking anyone else who has done this, it was fun while it lasted.) He was 17 years my senior.


8. I love glass spice bottles. I can’t help but collect them, even though I don’t use them. I have at least a dozen of them in my pantry (they just sit there...empty, but so darn cute).


9. I like younger men. 3 out of 4 of my "serious" relationships in my life were with younger men. My husband is about 3 years younger than me. (He looks much younger than that.)

That last one was thrown in just in case anyone already knew one of these things, already.

***UPDATE***

So really, I can't even do a normal ectopic. First of all, they never saw anything anywhere in my body resembling a pregnancy. Not in the tubes, not in the uterus, not anywhere! Then my numbers never got that high. Now the damn things won't drop enough!!! My hCG on day 4 (after the shots) was 36. It dropped to 32 by day 7. That's right about 11%. Not enough. It has to drop at least 15% between day 4 and day 7. Never mind the fact that it dropped 61% between the day of the shots and day 4...it's the day 4-7 drop that matters.

So I go today to have another quant hCG to make sure it's dropped enough from the 32. The doc is worried that the number will increase or "hover". If so, I'm back in the office today for more shots. The good side to this is that the shots don't hurt. The bad side is I'll probably start bleeding heavier. Nooooo!!!

And the answer to the s.e.x/no s.e.x questions is....can you guess? If you guessed no lovin' for Mr. W then you got it right. My doc said that I have to wait until my hCG is back in the "negative" range to have inter.course. It didn't help me plead my case when I told my doc that I had been having some "twinges" in the area of my right ovary. Of course she said we can do "other things". Yeah. Sure. I can do for him...but what's to be done for poor bleeding me? According to my doctor (I swear she said this), "Buy a vi.brator and use it on the outside only". Hahahahahahaha!!!!!!

I'll let you know more as the drama unfolds today.

Oh...and I'm tagging Erin & Katie for 8 random facts! :-)

I'm workin' on it! :-)

I've been tagged by Farah for eight random factiods...and I'm thinking!! I'm thinking!! It's hard for me to figure out what to give about myself that not everyone on the planet knows (that's not wayyyyy TMI for the wide world).

I'm also working on reading and catching up on commenting on blogs. I've just found the computer is not calling me at night lately. Especially with all of the new shows out. (I admit...I'm a TV-aholic. Maybe that should have been one of my 8 facts...maybe it still will be.)

So please excuse my randomness and silence.

Oh, I will update tomorrow about the doctor's appointment today. :-)

Fatty Pants is going through a very scary time right now and could really use your support.

Will it ever stop??

I had my methotrexate shots a week ago today. I had already been spotting since the day before. I have been bleeding/spotting since then. Ugh! When will it stop? Over the past two and one half weeks I have been bleeding 13 days. THIRTEEN DAYS!!!

I don't know where my HCG levels are at the moment. I had a blood draw on Saturday and all I know was the level had dropped some. I go today for another draw. My follow-up appointment is tomorrow.

I'm very unused to begging for s.e.x. Especially from those not involved in the actual action. I was told to wait at least a week to have "inter.course", that they would release me at my doctor's appointment. Mr. W is leaving tomorrow morning for a trip, though. I NEED SOME ACTION! (especially since "action" doesn't scare me right now because it's ordered to be protected.) Yesterday I left a begging message on my nurse’s voice mail. I even promised to use "double protection". The nurse called me back (and left a voicemail) that my numbers had lowered and that I was scheduled to see the doc on Wednesday. Hello?!?! Is that a "yes" or a "no"? So I'm taking it as a yes and let's get it on! :-) But I'm still bleeding... :-(

More home improvement folly

Mr. W decided yesterday that he wants to put gutters on the house. So, in true Mr. W style, he went to the big blue home improvement store and bought the necessary things to accomplish this.

He got one section done and it started POURING down the rain! I thought the irony of it raining while he was putting up gutters was hilarious! Even funnier was the fact that the ladder he had to use to get off of the roof was lined up directly with the drain spout he had installed. He was drenched! Hahahaha!

This is an old pic of our house, before we resided, rescreened, replaced, and repainted everything. I marked the section of gutter that he was putting up (yes, we tore down the old broken gutters a couple of years ago). The blue line is the line of water that was coming from the drain pipe. the placement of the ladder is circled in red. At least this time the MIL was present to witness the comedy! :-)

I walked over to the neighbor's house last night to help her with something. As soon as I got there my phone started ringing. I figured it was Mr. W asking where I was (I didn't tell him I was leaving, he was hanging drywall and I knew I'd only be gone a minute) so I answered, told him where I was and that I'd be back in a minute.

A couple of minutes later he called again, so I silenced it. A couple of minutes later he called again (and I do mean about two minutes) so I answered it. I was quite annoyed at this point. What is it he can't manage on his own for 10 minutes?!

Here's what he couldn't manage:

Him: "I need to you come home, now."

Me: "What's wrong."

Get this....this is HILARIOUS!!!

Him: "I've drywalled over the door."

Me: "OK?"

Him: "The drywall knife is not in the room."

Me: "So...you drywalled yourself in the room? And the knife is not in the room?....(pause)...So your stuck?"

Him: "Yes."

Needless to say me and the neighbor burst into laughter. (I'm giggling just thinking of it.) So I had to go home and use the knife to cut a small hole in the drywall so I could hand it to him. After I cut the hole I made him wait while I got the camera and took a few pics. Even he and his brother were laughing at this point. It was so funny!!!! I was going to take a pic of me holding the knife outside the room, but had to rush to the bathroom.

I promise I'll edit this with the few pics I did manage to take. This was one of the funniest things I've seen in a while. And I thought things like this only happened on TV! Ha!

I cut a small hole in the drywall so I could pass the knife through. He covered it with something when I went and got the camera.

This is the hubby using said knife to cut himself out of the room. I would have taken more pictures if it weren't for the fact that I had to run to the bathroom. :-)

What's your name?

I had to take this from Lub's post. This is fun!

1. YOUR ROCK STAR NAME: (first pet & current car) Hermie Explorer
2.YOUR GANGSTA NAME: (favorite ice cream flavor, favorite cookie) Vanilla Oreo
3. YOUR “FLY GIRL” NAME: (first initial of first name, first 3 letters of last name) A-Ham
4. YOUR DETECTIVE NAME: (favorite color, favorite animal) Lavender Dog
5. YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME: (middle name, city where you were born) Faith Asheville
6. YOUR STAR WARS NAME: (the first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 letters of your first) Hamam
7. SUPERHERO NAME: (”The” + 2nd favorite color, favorite drink) The Blue Sprite
8. NASCAR NAME: (the first names of your grandfathers) Doris Oliver (yes...my grandpa was named Doris)
9. STRIPPER NAME: ( the name of your favorite perfume/cologne/scent, favorite candy) Curve Sixlets
10.WITNESS PROTECTION NAME: (mother’s & father’s middle names ) Annette Dennis
11. TV WEATHER ANCHOR NAME: (Your 5th grade teacher’s last name, a major city that starts with the same letter) Robinson Raleigh
12. SPY NAME: (your favorite season/holiday, flower) Autumn Lily
13. CARTOON NAME: (favorite fruit, article of clothing you’re wearing right now + “ie” or “y”)Banana Jeany
14. HIPPY NAME: (What you ate for breakfast, your favorite tree) Pancake Maple
15. YOUR ROCKSTAR TOUR NAME: (”The” + Your fave hobby/craft, fave weather + “Tour”)The Computer Game Tour

Methotrexate Effects? (TMI)

If there's anyone out there that's had two vials of Methotrexate shot into their body, I'd like to know what you think. Or if anyone out there hasn't had it, but still knows.

• I "miscarried" 09/21 and bled for 5 days.
• 10/01 I started spotting.
• 10/02 I got two shots of Methotrexate.
• 10/03 I started bleeding.
• 10/04 & 05 I'm bleeding like a stuck pig!!! Ugh!

The cramps I've had aren't very strong. I've had worse period cramps.

I know there are people asking why I don't just call my doctor. The past 3 or 4 times I've called me doctor they've called me in immediately. Although I'm pretty sure this is normal and I know my doc would calm all of my fears, I can't shake the thought that they might call me in. Right now that place is nothing but bad news for me...I don't want to go in!

So, if anyone has experience something like this, I'd love to know! Of course, if it doesn't calm down by my appointment next week (or if I develop pain or increased bleeding) I'll say something. Thank you!!!

Forgive my tardiness

I should have posted sooner, but I didn't. I could give all the excuses I've been making (I'm tired...I'm down...I don't feel like it...blah blah blah) but as I like to say, they're still only excuses. At least I finally got myself around to it.

I went to get my blood drawn for my final beta on Tuesday at lunch. Right after I signed in, I noticed I had a voicemail and missed call from my Ob/Gyn. Of course I checked the message immediately; after all, they did a biopsy the day before. The message was an urgent call from the nurse to come in immediately and to not "take no from the clowns up front".

I called them back and told them I was having my blood drawn. The nurse debated with herself, out loud, about whether or not to have a stat put on the blood order, but declined in the end. She told me to come in as soon as I was done.

I'm sure I don't have to tell you lovely people how terrified I was. Now why I was terrified was probably a little iffy, though. Here's where the fear came in:

• I learned a few months back that women with PCOS have an increased risk of endometrial cancer. Not a big deal, my lining looked wonderful on a CD3 scan.
• I had recently read on wikipedia that HCG can sometimes be put off by tumors. That's no big deal. I miscarried.
• I was scheduled for the endometrial biopsy. No big deal, just checking for pregnancy tissue.
• I get a call from my nurse telling me to come in immediately.

OMG, DO I HAVE CANCER?!?!?!?! Suddenly all the information in my head collided into a horrible non-pregnancy growth.

I called my husband, but of course he was caught up in work and could not come with me. (that will be a later post when I decide to deal with the emotions about that bull) Luckily my sister was available. As soon as they were done taking my blood, I was at the doc's.

Now, don't get me wrong, I love my doctor. Her office, not so much. They didn't know why I was there. I told them an u/s. OK. The u/s tech came in (now my favorite u/s tech, ever) and she doesn't know what they're doing an u/s for. Apparently since my doc isn't in, and wasn't in the day before, no one knows what's going on (didn't they call me?). After I explain my BFP, miscarriage, doubling beta, non-lowering beta, & biopsy she tells me to empty my bladder and hop onto the table. She does a detailed scan and actually explains everything she's looking at!!! She sees nothing. Is this good? I don't know. What does this mean? I don't know.

***TANGENT***

My sister asked me if I've ever met the doctor that I'll be seeing today. Here's my response: Nope. Never met him. Luckily I have no modesty. Ha! I didn't know the doc I saw yesterday, either. Nothing like meeting someone for the first time for something like this. "Hey! Nice to meet you! Care to peer between my legs?" Ah....reminds me of the good ol' days! Hahahaha!

***BACK TO THE STORY***

So Sis and I are put in a room to wait for the doctor. Some nurse tries to get me to "undress from the waist down" but I politely decline. I'm not stripping until I get at least a little bit of an explanation as to what's going on.

So Mr. Doctor comes in and babbles about some things. He doesn't tell me anything I don't know. As a matter of fact, I tell him things he doesn't know. Such as what my numbers were on what dates. And the fact that I supposedly miscarried on 09/21 seems to have not even made it to my file, yet. He tells me that we have to wait for "30 minutes" until they get my most recent tests back. By this time I'm angry(ier) and my Sis (big-sis) is pretty darn mad that I'm getting jerked around. We're not leaving the office until we get some answers!

An hour and fifteen minutes later he comes back in. He explains that the biopsy found nothing. Nothing? After I ask, he explains that that's not good. Apparently he's of the opinion that if there's no tissue in the uterus, then there's tissue in the tubes. Although nothing is visible on the scan, he's still convinced there's something in the tubes. My beta had gone from 113 on Sunday to 92 on Tuesday. While I'm happy with an 18% drop, he is not. He's seen a tube rupture with an HCG of 50. I'm not so sure, but I want an end to all of this, so I'll go with it. Err on the side of paranoia.

3 1/2 hours after I arrive at the office, I'm sent off with a script for Methotrexate. I haul ass down the road (mind you it's 4:30. can you say traffic) to the closest pharmacy that carries it and haul ass back. They take the meds, load it up, and shoot me up in both hips with the neon yellow stuff. They try to escort me back to the waiting room for a few minutes before they'll let me leave, but I decline. I really would like to talk to the doctor about what just happened. The nurse shot me up, but the doc never explained crap about what was going to happen, except to tell me that I would need follow up blood work in 4 and 7 days. I'm escorted to another room and the husband and the doctor walk in at the same time (NO...NOT better late than never). The doc says no sex for two weeks...no unprotected sex for two months (he claims it could result in ectopic...the pamphlet for the meds says it could result in bad things for products of conception). I remind the nurse that I need orders for blood work and the doc says to come back in a week.

So now I'm supposedly on the road to recovery with the end in sight. I scheduled my follow up (after explaining to the scheduling nurse that there is no point in coming in the day I have my last blood draw because they won't have the results)

***TANGENT***

The nurse ushers me into her little room and closes the door. The two glowing needles are sitting on her table. She tells me she's going to give me a shot in both "hips". I have NEVER had a shot in the hip when a nurse has said "hip". It's always been in the butt-cheek. I ask if I should drop 'em and bare it. She says, yes. I proceed to turn around and drop my pants. Luckily I've got on butt-floss so there's no need to drop those to bare a cheek.

The nurse proceeds to swab...can you guess it?...MY HIP!!! I really mean my hip! I was shocked!!! I asked her about it and her response was, "What did you think I meant by hip?"

I explained that the doctor had said the shot would be in the buttock and the pamphlet said the shot would be in the buttock and that I'd never had a nurse say hip and not mean buttock. She said that she always gave them in the hip.

So, I told her she didn't need to see my butt and I pulled up my pants!

At least we both got a laugh out of that one...even if it was at my expense.

***BACK TO STORY***

So that's what's happened. There's a lot of emotion about all of the events of the past three weeks (and one day, but who's counting). I just can't fit it in right now.

The Great Mofo Delurk

So anyone lurking?

Yeah, Ouch!

So the endometrial biopsy went. I can't say it went well, because I don't know the results, yet, but it went. I'm quite glad it's over and hope to never have to have another one. It wasn't the worst pain that I've had, but I can say it's the worst cramps I've ever had. Ouch!

I didn't get to see my regular doctor, but the one I did see was pretty good. She's way too passive for me, though. I say that, then I add that she changed the order for my blood work today. She added a CBC, Hepatic Panel, Type & RH along with the quant HCG. This is all "just in case" they decide that I need the mexa-whats-it shot on Wednesday.

So I'm still sitting in limbo...waiting. I'm really becoming pretty indifferent to it all. I'm pretty sure that when it's all said and done I'll be ready to move on past the miscarriage. I'll probably be ready to start TTC again by that time. If you had asked me a week ago, I would have told you that I wanted to wait a couple of months. Now, since it's not a possibility, I'm pitching a mental temper tantrum that I can't start trying. Ha! Talk about wanting what I can't have!

But all-in-all I'm doing OK. It helps that I can be clinical about everything, right now. I'm ready for tomorrow to be done so I can have the closure I need, then it's on to the next big thing!

Needles, and scans, and biopsies, Oh My!

CD1 (previously known as 24dpo) my HCG was 21.


CD6 HCG was 90...that's about a 48 hour doubling time. Not so good since CD1 was the day I miscarried.


CD8 HCG was 114. It's not doubling, but it was still increasing. And for those of you following along at home my bleeding stopped about CD4 or 5.


CD10 HCG was 113.


CD11 and now I'm cramping and spotting.



I've got an endometrial biopsy schedule for this afternoon. I wish, at this point, they do a D&C and an ultrasound and let it be done. They just don't know what's going on. Ugh!!!



I received my common-thread bracelet! Yay! It's on and I'm wearing it with pride (and aprehension). I'll do a whole post on this one later, though. Today if I feel up to it.



And I realized that I'm angry with God. I guess there's no one else to be angry with, so why not. And it didn't help that at my church, this weekend, my pastor talked in tongues. Many of you may have opinions on this...I'm not sure what mine is. I'm a pretty big sceptic to begin with, throw in my anger at the man upstairs...you see where this is leading, I'm sure.



Anyway, I've got a ton of thoughts brewing my demented little mind right now. There is definitely more to come on all of these topics!!!