What you lookin' at?

Our peds office has been closed for 5 days. Really people? I know you're a military clinic and all, but come on!  I really want to talk to you!!!  (yes, if it were a seriously urgent matter, there is someone on call.)

There's been a development in our household, or should I say in Jack.  His left eye seems to be a little...um...off.  Let me show you.

Do you see it? How his left eye seems to be a little off center...or something*?  I'm calling his peds office as I'm typing this (started this Tuesday and finishing it Wednesday morning). 

You see, there's a family history of having a lazy eye. Let me show you.

You can click on the picture to make it larger, and unfortunately Grandad must have not used his drops that day because his eye isn't even open. Let's just say it doesn't point in any useful direction. (and OMG check out Trip's chunky things!!!! He was such a chunk for such a short period!)

Oh yeah, and I was informed yesterday by our nutritionist that Trip is considered at risk due to being underweight because his height/weight ratio is less than 20%. Seriously? It's called genetics, people! My brother is scrawny and my sister was until her thyroid decided to crap out.  And let's not forget one of Tim's brother is also scrawny. Plus, if I wasn't feeding my kids, don't you think they'd both be skinny? Get a grip, people.

Aaannnndddd we have an appointment for tomorrow at 11:10 am. Have I mentioned how tight our schedule is? And that lunch is precisely at noon with nap precisely at 12:30 or else all hell breaks loose and naps may or may not be had. I'm crossing my fingers and toes that they get us in and out with a referral to a pediatric ophthalmologist (hoping they just refer us to the children's hospital).

*I'm aware I may be overreacting, but this is my son and anything I can do to prevent him being teased in school...you get it, right?

I hate thinking of titles.

Today is CD14 and my cbefm is still showing high, as it has since CD9.  But no O, yet.  Don't worry, though.  I haven't come close to giving up hope.  O is usually CD17.

Let me just say I'm not a big fan of Clomid, though.  This may be situational, but I've been irritable and depressed since a couple of days after starting the damn drug.  Of course my brother broke his leg and had to have surgery (he's doing wonderful, thank you to everyone!), my sister's father-in-law had a heart attack days later and had to have a bypass, my dryer broke, and my brother's wife had to go to the emergency room and got diagnosed with a hiatal hernia and doesn't quite know what to do since they have no insurance.  I think I'm a little tired of reality right now.  But I bought a book and plan on vegging out this weekend and hiding from reality for a little bit.  At least we found out that my brother only has 1 gene for Factor V Leiden mutation.  But I'm not sure of that because I got that news straight from my brother...he doesn't listen, was in pain when it was explained to him, and was heavily drugged by the time he explained it to me.  ***edited*** I spoke with my Dad and apparently my brother has Factor V Leiden Mutation Heterozygous (one gene).

Speaking of blood disorders...does anyone know anything about Factor II Prothrombin (also called Prothrombin 20210A or PT20210 Mutation or Factor II Mutation)?  Or Factor V Leiden?  Those are the blood disorders that seem to run rampant in my family.  Factor II almost killed my dad a few years back.  My cousin lost a twin pregnancy due to Factor V.  A combination of one of these caused my Uncle to lose fingers.  I know the basics about them, but not how serious they are in pregnancy.  I don't know how to get tested for them.  I asked my primary care physician to order a test for them a year ago, but he had never heard of the Factor II and didn't quite know how to write the order.  And apparently I wasn't actually tested for it since all they did was a clotting test.  From all the googling I've done today it seems that it can only truly be determined if you have it by doing a genetic test.  What would you guys do?

But at least it's Friday!  And almost time to go home!  Hooray!

And if you haven't checked this out...now's as good a time as any:

 

 

Take Back the U.T.E.R.U.S.

Broken bones are a part of life

This is what all my brother has done to his skeleton.  This does not include anything that didn't break a bone...I don't have enough blog to cover all of his injuries.:

1989 - fell off of a 6' high wall

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  Two broken wrists
  
  


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  Fractured skull
  
  

1993 - was pushed down during a game of basketball

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  One broken wrist
  
  

2003 - jumped by someone (two separate times)

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  Broken Nose
  
  


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  Broken Jaw
  
  

2006 - Dirt bike accident (completely his fault)

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  Broken Knee
  
  


• 
  
  Broken Ankle
  
  


• 
  
  Numerous Broken bones in foot
  
  


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  Fractured Vertebrae
  
  

2008 - dirt bike accident (complete accident)

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  Broken tibia (lower leg)
  
  


• 
  
  Broken fibula (lower leg)
  
  

The doctor's said my 30 year old brother has the bones of a 60 year old man.  That combined with his love of anything with 2 wheels and his tendency towards not-so-reputable people is dangerous. 

He came out of the surgery quickly.  They found more soft tissue damage than they had originally thought they would, but after watching it closely all weekend, it looks like he'll get to go home today.  He's off the really heavy drugs already.  My brother has never been one to take pain medication, and this doesn't change that.  I'm sure he'll be on Tylenol within a week.

I think about all of the pain that my brother has been in, and is in...it makes me so sad.  I want to protect him, and have no way of doing so. 

I suppose this is a lesson that I need to learn, now.  When I have children I won't be able to protect them from making stupid mistakes.  I won't be able to protect them from bullies.  I won't be able to keep them from climbing walls.  And I'm sure seeing my own children suffer from the blows that life will inevitably deal will be even more painful.  We suffer to become parents and we suffer as parents.  This whole parent thing must really be something beautiful...

Clomid #1 Day 2

Today is my second day of having Clomid in my system.  I'm a bit emotional.  And I've had some crazy creepy dreams.  And that's about it as far as side effects go (so far).

In Clomid's defense, the emotional part may have some outside influence.  Like the fact that as I type this my twin brother is being sliced into.  He broke his tibia and fibula last night.  Now he has to have a rod inserted into his leg. This breaks my heart. 

Recently Twin A's job decided it would be in everyone's best interest to get rid of that pesky ol' insurance.  So my brother's doing all this sans insurance.  And will be sans paycheck for many weeks.  And is in horrible pain.  And this makes me want to sit in a corner and cry like a baby.

These feelings may or may not have been heightened by the Clomid.  But in Clomid's defence (because, as we all know, Clomid is so sensitive to criticism), I used to sit in the corner and sob when Twin A would get spanked when we were younger.  He's always had a knack for getting in trouble.  And for breaking bones.  They're doing a bone density scan, too.

Don't pee on the snowman!!! (with added note)

So who all thinks I'm tempting fate by putting anything white and absorbent beneath my toilet bowl? Yeah...

Mr. W should be home in a few days...guess I'll have to scotch guard it before then. Snicker.

*************************************************************

On the TTC front:

CD 29 is an hour away from being out the door. No AF, yet. She's been sending her wicked sister (spotting), but not even enough of that to make me sure I'll start tomorrow. The whole Cross-country-migration-conception plan won't really work if CD1 doesn't get it's ass in gear and show up. If CD1 starts tomorrow and I ovulate on CD15 then I'll be flying home on my second day of peak fertility. If CD1 doesn't start tomorrow or I ovulate on CD16 or later...

I went to church. Shock! Gasp! I know. I went back to the same church that has the pastor that spoke in tongues; the same church with the pastors wife that blindsided me with late condolences. I had a good conversation at God while I was driving to church. I let him know, in no uncertain terms, that I had to have a pretty direct message if he wanted me to come back to this church ever again. Minutes later, as I sat squirming in the seat, the days sermon title popped up on the screen, "Why Attend?" OK. I got it! Point taken. I asked for direct and boy I sure got it! So I will be going back. I also spoke with the pastor afterwards and he alluded to the BCMEP so I brought it up for him. He gave me his condolences and then proceeded immediately to let me know he wanted to do something for me before Mr. W and I start TTC again. He told me that he wanted the church to especially pray for me at a service. After explaining it would have to be this coming Sunday if he wanted to beat the TTC re-kick-off, it was set. He asked me to start some faith-talking/praying. (I think it's a good idea, and I'll post more on this later.) So this coming Sunday I will have a congregation of about 20 - 30 people praying and thanking God for a successful pregnancy for me and Mr. W. I've got so much more to say on this subject, but I'll leave it alone for right now.

I spoke to my brother today and he told me that evil SIL passed the "fetus" yesterday. I thought she was 4 weeks pregnant? This is where my ignorance about pregnancy shows...at 4 weeks can you distinguish it? (no answer is really necessary...i'm just effed up at the thought right now)

Maybe once I get my head a little settled and I can focus a little better I'll get back to commenting. Maybe I'll get back to blogging in some sort of coherent manner, too. I miss Mr. W.

***Added Note***

I even took an HPT this morning in the hopes that it would bring AF. I'm guessing you can't fool those suckers, though. They seem to only bring AF when there's an actual hope that a positive is an option. I guess the damned test knew that any swimmers that entered my body were kept from coming into actual contact with my cervix...much less any possible eggs. (on another side not...those dollar store tests are so much fun with their little droppers and all!!! and I'm being serious, here. I felt like a little kid with a baking-soda and vinegar volcano kit!!!)

Thank you and No Thank you

Yeah, Thanksgiving just wasn't what it usually is, yesterday. I wasn't very thankful. I'll try to keep this in proportion, though.

Things I was not thankful for

• Mr. W is out of town. (military life. yay.)
• My sister let the cat out of the bag that evil SIL got another BFP
• My sister also let it out of the bag that evil SIL's beta has already begun to drop
• My brother was supposed to tell me all of this the day before
• My mom told me that evil SIL's beta was already down from 5 to 3 and my only comment was, "She's not pregnant, then. How did they even consider this viable?"

So yeah, I really miss Mr. W. This is the first holiday that we've been apart. I knew it was something that would eventually happen. I'm not even really complaining, I'm just down about it, right now. And he'll be back soon. I'm lucky that he's not one of the guys that gets sent places for months at a time.

My sister felt horrible for telling me about evil SIL. She assumed that since I had spoken to my brother, that he had actually told me. Especially since the rest of my family told him that he really needed to do it before Thanksgiving (given that I'm an emotional basket case, right). She really was afraid that it ruined my day. She didn't know I'd already spent part of the morning crying for no reason other than the fact that I was feeling sorry for myself.

Any why couldn't my brother tell me? Who knows. I've given up on wondering why my brother does (or does not do) the things he does. I love him and accept him as he is. It would be nice if he would step up to the plate once in a while, though.

Seriously? That's the comment I had? Am I that big of a bitch, now? Wow! I really have to work on that one. I do feel sorry for evil SIL. Really I do. And I'm sure her beta had to be above 5 for the docs to say she was pregnant. (now I really don't understand why they would give her another blood test if her beta was already down to 5...that's considered negative.) My brother told my mom that they were going to "get a shot that wouldn't let this happen again). I can only assume that this means she's going to start getting a birth control shot. So be it. I've previously stated that I really don't think she should procreate anymore than she already has.

Things I am thankful for

• My sister lives across town from me (this is not our hometown) and welcomes me into her home anytime. She is there for me.
• My parents drove down to spend Thanksgiving with me and my sister.
• Mr. W called me the day before Thanksgiving just to wish me a happy Thanksgiving.
• My brother is "up to the plate" and is there for evil SIL in what I know is a difficult time (even for an evil person)
• It's the day after Thanksgiving and I can start putting up Christmas decorations!

So now I've got to jump into the shower so I can head over to the sister's house. I'm going to make dinner for the parents, sis, bil, the angelic niece, and the heathen nephews! Yummy!

Hopefully I'll get home in time to do some more cleaning around the house so I can have my tree up tomorrow. My parents are coming over for dinner and I'd like to have, at least, the inside of the house decorated. Does crab and corn bisque go with Christmas decor? Haha!

Nightmares and Daydreams

My mother's best friend has prophetic dreams. She dreamed when someone close to her was going to die. She dreamed when my sister was pregnant. She had a dream about me a few weeks ago.

My twin brother and I were both in the dream. I was holding a strawberry blond babydoll (girl) & my brother was trying to take the doll from me. I told him, "No! It's my baby".

Insert guilt here. For those of you just tuning in, Evil SIL miscarried a little over a week ago. I got my BFP Thursday. I know it's completely illogical, but still...the guilt is there. Like I've taken their baby. Like I said, illogical.

Now don't get me wrong, I still do not think Evil SIL should have anymore kids. I'm not saying I wish her the pain of IF, but I do wish the the lack of desire for children. I wish for my brother that the son they have together is enough. As far as my guilt goes, my brother and I have that mythical twin bond. I never physically felt his pain, but emotionally, yeah it was there. So his loss hurts. And IF has taught me the pain of other's BFPs when my arms are still empty.

And if this wasn't all weird enough, my sister took a HPT last weekend. She's actively TTA, though.

So once again I've rambled on...damn this head cold!

Just one of those things

So I finally had one of those reactions. All my IF friends know what I'm talking about. The life-isn't-fair-why-is-it-easy-for-them-kicking-screaming-crying moment.

My mom called today to let me know that my evil SIL was going to the hospital in the morning. "She didn't know" that she was pregnant and only found out because of some serious abdominal pain that sent her to the hospital. A urine test showed positive for pregnancy, but the US showed nothing in the right places. So now they think it's ectopic. She has to go in the morning to have "uterus scrapings" and to see if it's in her tubes. If so they'll have to remove it.

I cried. And cried. And I'm ready to cry right now. I'm an evil horrible insensitive bitch...but why can she and my loser brother have babies without even trying and I cannot!!??!!??!!?? Now my logical side kicked in as soon as the words were out, but the thought and feeling are still there.

This is the conversation between brain and heart:

Brain: "Now Amanda...Poor SIL is not having a baby. She is going through a tough time. She is losing a baby. You know you feel badly for her."
Heart: "Bitch"
Brain: "How would you feel if it were you. And remember, you love your brother. Even if you don't give a crap about SIL, you know he's heartbroken"
Heart: "They both suck as parents. They already have one neglected child that they weren't trying for 9 years ago"
Brain: "Didn't Mom tell you that SIL was told she could never have kids. Don't you realize that puts you and her in the same boat. Didn't you hear that SIL and brother wanted another child."
Heart: "They are crap! They don't deserve the child that they have! They didn't want the child that they have! And she got knocked up on accident both times!!! Why can worthless people get knocked up on accident and so many who are so worth it and so want it can't even pay for it!?!?!?! Why!?!?!?! Where is the fairness in this!?!?!?! When is it my turn? When is it her turn? Or her turn? Or her turn? When???!!! Why do we have to go through so many invasive-unnatural things to even come close to obtaining our goals!?!?!?! WHY WHEN WHY WHEN" trail off into random tears at this point


Brain: "Grow up. Life isn't fair. And what are you complaining about! You haven't done IUI or IVF or even had an HSG, yet!"
Heart: "AF is 3 or less days away. 2 1/2 years of accidents waiting to happen and they haven't. A few months of POAS to see if the elusive O is happening. Knowing that a phone call to move on to the next step is days away. And don't forget about the past. Don't forget about trying years ago. Don't forget about the "chemical pregnancy" the "early-term miscarriage". DON'T FORGET!" trail off into more tears

Brain: "Get over it."
Heart: "Fuck you."