Should I stay or Should I Go now

Farah Here reporting Live:

Amanda has been having some contractions/pain for about 24 hours now and mid morning today she called her OB's office.  The suggested that she take a trip to the L&D at the hospital.  So far so good.  She was contracting 2-4 mins apart on her way to the Hospital and she Does not want a VBAC so they gave her a shot of Terbu.taline to try and slow/stop things.  She is in good spirits, she said her phone battery is dead and Terb makes her Twitchy.  The L&D told her it would be along night so Send her all the good thought you can

Disney World, here we come!

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Bullets, Updates, and Explanations

• I just realized I hadn't updated on my weight loss.  To date, I've lost 6.4 pounds.  I haven't been sticking to my limits quite like I had planned, but I'm still slowly losing.  And in this race, slow and steady wins.  Plus, 6.4 pounds over 6 weeks isn't bad at all.  When I hit 8 pounds I'll update with pics!  :-)


• I have an HSG scheduled next Wednesday.  I am actually looking forward to this (mentally).  I feel renewed in the fact that I'm doing something!  I'm also getting my FSH level tested tomorrow.  The doc was hesitant to order the test until I explained that my mother began menopause in her mid 30's.  For the record I'll be 31 in July.


• I agree with everyone about seeing an RE vs seeing an OB/Gyn.  I am limited by my insurance, though.  The only RE that I've been able to find in my area does not take Tricare.  Tricare covers infertility testing and medication and right now that's what I need.  I don't feel that I'm getting the same kind of care and treatment that I would with an RE, but I'm satisfied for the time being.  My OB/Gyn is attentive and willing to do what it takes to get me what I need, and I love that.


• Only 3 more weeks until I begin the process of getting my braces!!!!

Call me doom and gloom

"The anovulatory cycle is a menstrual cycle characterized by varying degrees of menstrual intervals and the absence of ovulation and a luteal phase. In the absence of ovulation, there will be infertility. "

I know I've been all doom and gloom lately, and I apologize. I really do have my happy moments...and they outweigh the non-happy moments. But this morning my lovely CBEFM gave me another day of high fertility. I forgot to log my days, but this is somewhere between day 5 - 8 of high fertility. Anything over 5 days isn't supposed to be all that good. Not sure exactly why, but I'm guessing it might be something along the lines of eggs rotting in their shells (not literally). At least that makes sense to me. Of course, now I'm thinking that this will be the first month since I've been using any type of OPK that I won't ovulate. Anovulatory. Shit.

On a completely positive note, Mr. W will be home late tonight!!! Yay!!! I didn't get much (read: anything) on my list accomplished while he was gone, but who cares! I'm so happy to have him home. He suggested, last night on the phone, that I'm stressing my body into waiting to ovulate until he gets home. He's so cute. Haha!

So if I go MIA for the weekend you guys will understand, right? ;-)

***side note***

It's kind of funny that if the plan had actually worked, Mr. W and I would have come nowhere near ovulation. That would have been a seriously expensive no-chance-of-conception booty call!

Whatever...

Stupid hope. Always sneaks in and ruins things.

The trip is off (again). We can only get a decent price if I'm willing to fly a red-eye. And don't misunderstand, I'd be more than willing to, but I have to be at work and they couldn't guarantee I'd be home before noon. That just won't work.

Mr. W felt it necessary to call and tell me this around one o'clock this morning. I reminded him of the time difference, and the fact that I had been in bed for a while by this time. Just to drive the point home I called him this morning while I was driving to work. I figured a nice 4:30 wake up call would help him get the picture!

So now the question is, what do I do with all this free time I'm about to have? 5 days of free time? I might drive up to visit my parents. Honestly, that is always a little depressing when I'm alone. Oh well. I'm open to ideas!

And he's off...

Mr. W left yesterday afternoon. I missed him before he even got onto the plane. Such is life.

Mr. W and I had such wonderful talks while he was home. I've been going through a really tough time, and him being gone has been especially hard. I talked to him about it and told him exactly how I feel right now. He was 100% supportive. He explained that he doesn't understand what I'm going though, but he's here for me. He had a couple of drinks during the conversation, so by the end he was even sweeter than usual. Ha!

He went on to tell me that regardless of how depressed/anxious/psycho I get, he will be here for me. If I hate him (because according to him all women hate men at some time), he will still be here for me. If I decide to leave, he will be waiting on me when I come home. Regardless what happens, I will not be able to "get rid" of him. Etc.

Mr. W also went on to tell me that regardless of what it takes, we will have our baby. If it comes to IVF, he will find the money even if it means going into debt (coming from a very penny-pinching man this means the world); we will have a baby. Just knowing that he is willing to go the distance for this...it makes me feel so very loved.

-------------------------------------------

Now about this on-again-off-again trip. Mr. W went into work on Friday to check with whichever boss was in to make sure it was OK that I fly out while they were working. He only found Boss B. Boss B said no way. I aggrievedly explained to Mr. W that Boss B could kiss my ass. Boss B is not the #1 boss. Boss A is, and Boss A is the one that suggested I fly out in the first place. The only problem is that Boss A already flew out.

Mr. W waited a few hours and called Boss A (damn time difference). He said he had no problem with me flying out. Thank God Boss A outranks Boss B. He said I would need a rental car, though. We can't be sure they won't be working when my plane gets in.

So now the trip is on, right? Wrong. We decide to go to Pri.celin.e to see if we can find a decent priced ticket with a rental car. We bid (fun!) and they say if we up the price a little, they can do it. So we up the price. Still no go. Up it again. Still no go. Up it again...etc. Forget it. We try some other sites and finally decide that it's just not working. We'll have to kennel the dogs, buy a plane ticket, rent a car, and pay for almost a weeks worth of eating out...too much for a slim chance at getting pregnant. (remember folks...I will probably get my LH surge the day after I fly home.)

So now the trip is off, right? Wrong. Mr. W calls from his home-for-the-next-couple-of-weeks. He's been looking at flights and has found some much cheaper tickets. He also found that there's a free shuttle from the airport to his hotel that runs every 15 -20 minutes. So he asks if I still want to come out.

At this point in time (emotional hell that is my mind) I cannot make that sort of decision. I had tried to get the trip planned and it repeatedly fell through. I had already begun to accept that there was no trip, that Mr. W and I would begin trying in January, and that two weeks wasn't that long of a time to be apart.

Mr. W actually offered to find a ticket, and if it's within reason (he's setting the limit...again, that's beyond my control right now) he'll purchase it and let me know. I would kiss him if he were here! He is not the type to make those sort of arrangements for me. He usually feels that it's up to me, and if I feel like doing it to do it, but that it's my decision. (how was that for a run on sentence?) But this time he was my hero!

So I don't know if I'm flying out to TTC this month, and I'm OK with that. If I do, then I'm going to take advantage of the new experiences (flying) and I'm going to do my best to enjoy it. If I don't, I'll take advantage of the time to complete some minor projects around the house. Either way it's out of my hands. And I'm OK with that.

I have so many other things that I want to write about, but I know I've already bored you all to tears. Maybe tomorrow!

Short & Sweet (with update)

I'm referring to my time with Mr. W, not this post.

Mr. W was home by the time I got there yesterday. It was beyond wonderful to have him there!!! I had already left a pork roast in the crock pot that morning, so we had barbecue for dinner. Then we just enjoyed each other's company all night. It was wonderful

But now he's leaving again tomorrow. This really bites. I know I've already got the Cross-country-migration-conception plan so I'll be able to see him in about a week...but this still sucks. I just want him here for the holiday season. I know we'll be together for Christmas...but that's not the worst day. It's the build-up to the day that gets to me. And it's been especially rough, lately. Not just the holidays, but everything. It's crap. But what can I do. Such is the life of the military wife.

I seriously admire the spouse out there whose significant other is gone for months at a time. It's not an easy thing to be married to the military. I don't even have it as bad as many others, and it's still not easy.

But it's CD3! Yay! I should be flying out to be with Mr. W on CD10 or 11. I'll fly back CD15 (I have to be back at work the next morning). Hopefully I'll get my LH surge on CD15...but even if I don't get it until CD16, it could still happen this month. I'm excited to be trying again! Yay!

******UPDATE******

Now Mr. W is being told that I cannot fly out during this trip. I am trying to not cry right now, because I’m stuck at work. I don’t know what to do. So now he’s flying out tomorrow…I won’t see him for over two weeks (right after him being gone for 9 days and only having him home for less than 48 hours)…and there’s no TTC this month. I really need a break right now. A break from the crappy things that are getting in the way of any resemblance of happiness for me. And I know you’re all probably thinking that I’m all doom and gloom for some not-so-big reasons, but there are other things going on that I just really don’t have the strength to blog about.

I really needed to be able to spend some time with Mr. W. I really need to be able TTC this month. I really need to get away from things for a few days.

The stockings were hung by the chimney with care...

The stockings were hung by the chimney with care...

I'm trying to focus on the positive things right now. I'm having a really hard time, though. (Notice the CD ticker above has not been reset, yet...see the previous post if you don't know why this is such a bad thing.)

Mr. W will be home in a couple of days!!! I miss him more than I thought possible, right now. I'm working on a menu for the night of his return. I'm leaning towards a cro.ck pot potato soup. He loves potato soup, and this way I can cook while I'm at work and leave my evening free for him! Yay!

I'm slowly but surely getting the house decorated for Christmas. The stockings are hung (I need to get another stocking holder for my stocking. I want something cool, though.) Of course you've all seen the toilet decor! :-) I've also got a wreath on the door and some battery operated candles in each window. Oh yeah...and the tree. It's up, but that's it. I still have to arrange the branches, put the lights on, and decorate it. Good times (massive amounts of sarcasm here. lights + OCD = insanity)!

Now if only I could get the furbabies to wear cute little costumes for a quick photo op I could do some wonderful cards!

Don't pee on the snowman!!! (with added note)

So who all thinks I'm tempting fate by putting anything white and absorbent beneath my toilet bowl? Yeah...

Mr. W should be home in a few days...guess I'll have to scotch guard it before then. Snicker.

*************************************************************

On the TTC front:

CD 29 is an hour away from being out the door. No AF, yet. She's been sending her wicked sister (spotting), but not even enough of that to make me sure I'll start tomorrow. The whole Cross-country-migration-conception plan won't really work if CD1 doesn't get it's ass in gear and show up. If CD1 starts tomorrow and I ovulate on CD15 then I'll be flying home on my second day of peak fertility. If CD1 doesn't start tomorrow or I ovulate on CD16 or later...

I went to church. Shock! Gasp! I know. I went back to the same church that has the pastor that spoke in tongues; the same church with the pastors wife that blindsided me with late condolences. I had a good conversation at God while I was driving to church. I let him know, in no uncertain terms, that I had to have a pretty direct message if he wanted me to come back to this church ever again. Minutes later, as I sat squirming in the seat, the days sermon title popped up on the screen, "Why Attend?" OK. I got it! Point taken. I asked for direct and boy I sure got it! So I will be going back. I also spoke with the pastor afterwards and he alluded to the BCMEP so I brought it up for him. He gave me his condolences and then proceeded immediately to let me know he wanted to do something for me before Mr. W and I start TTC again. He told me that he wanted the church to especially pray for me at a service. After explaining it would have to be this coming Sunday if he wanted to beat the TTC re-kick-off, it was set. He asked me to start some faith-talking/praying. (I think it's a good idea, and I'll post more on this later.) So this coming Sunday I will have a congregation of about 20 - 30 people praying and thanking God for a successful pregnancy for me and Mr. W. I've got so much more to say on this subject, but I'll leave it alone for right now.

I spoke to my brother today and he told me that evil SIL passed the "fetus" yesterday. I thought she was 4 weeks pregnant? This is where my ignorance about pregnancy shows...at 4 weeks can you distinguish it? (no answer is really necessary...i'm just effed up at the thought right now)

Maybe once I get my head a little settled and I can focus a little better I'll get back to commenting. Maybe I'll get back to blogging in some sort of coherent manner, too. I miss Mr. W.

***Added Note***

I even took an HPT this morning in the hopes that it would bring AF. I'm guessing you can't fool those suckers, though. They seem to only bring AF when there's an actual hope that a positive is an option. I guess the damned test knew that any swimmers that entered my body were kept from coming into actual contact with my cervix...much less any possible eggs. (on another side not...those dollar store tests are so much fun with their little droppers and all!!! and I'm being serious, here. I felt like a little kid with a baking-soda and vinegar volcano kit!!!)

0-5 and CD16 is my friend (updated)

I'm giving that 1/4 day back to the cold. It earned it, I did not. My two hours of work do not count for me yesterday because I was miserable the whole time. As I am today, also. But here I sit at my desk, the dutiful employee! Grrrr

But my CBE monitor showed me the pretty egg today! Of course this isn't my monitor, because I'm on CD16, but that's what it looks like. Pity this egg is going to waste... But it's for the cause! Taking one for the team! Everything is falling into place for me to fly out to meet Mr. W for BD. If it all goes as it should (given my body's full cooperation), I'll either start AF two days before Christmas or test on Christmas. I'm not naive, though. I have enough sticks for my CBE and enough Pre-seed to last me through January (or February...not sure exactly).

***UPDATE***

I have NO sense of smell or taste (I know they're directly related). This is actually very very weird. Even with my worst colds I've always had some sense of taste. Not today. My coffee is like warm thick-ish liquid. Nothing else. I'm sure as the hot drink helps to open my sinuses my senses will return. Just a funny think I had to share!

To fly or not to fly (with added dialogue)

That is the question. I'm terrified of flying. I have never done it and have always been of the mindset that if God wanted me to fly, I'd have wings. Now I'm faced with a situation (read: offer of a mini vacation and the possibility of conception). Here goes.

Mr. W will be out of town with work for two weeks in December. Right in the middle of those two weeks is when I will be ovulating and when we would be allowed to start trying again. I was pretty upset by that at first...but now an opportunity has been made available. I've been told by Mr. W, two of his co-workers/friends, and his boss that I should fly out.

I know about when I should be ovulating. I have a ton of vacation days available. My job has already told me that I just need to give them enough notice if I'm going to take time off. Why shouldn't I do this?

Here's why:

1. Even the thought of flying terrifies me. By terrify, I pretty much mean petrified with fear.
2. It will cost about $400 for the plane ticket. Although I know that's not that expensive, this is two weeks before Christmas that I'm talking about.
3. Seriously...have I mentioned how scared I am to fly?

So I'd really like some input from all of the wonderful people out in the blogosphere. What would you do?

Oh yeah...and I mentioned this to my bosses...and told them why I wanted to go(I'm over trying to be secretive about TTC). One's response was, "Why not wait until January?" My reply to her was, "Because that would mean that we wasted a month." Her response to that was, "So! You've got the rest of your life to have kids. Once you have them you have them forever." I chose to argue my family history of early menopause. Other boss said, "You might get so stressed out [due to flying] that you won't even drop an egg." My response to her was, "It's possible."

Preparations

Well...I'm prepared. As prepared as I'll apparantly ever be at this point.

√ - CBE Monitor
√ - CBE Monitor Test Sticks
√ - PreSeed
½ - 2 months TTA
№ - Mr. W in town during December fertile days
№ - HSG

This is as good as it gets, though. My OB/Gyn's office called back. Although my doc thought an HSG would be a good idea a few months ago, now she's changed her mind. I guess just getting a BFP ruled out the necessity. The fact that it turned out to be an ectopic pregnancy doesn't change this lack of necessity? Whatever.

As far as Mr. W being in town when I need him in December...there's nothing I can do. He is government property regardless of what I say or do. My only option is to get over it. (Even though I had to laugh and Nancy's faux idea! Mr. W had just finished joking about just that! Ha!)

I was actually being optimistic before I spoke with my doctor's office. I figured it wouldn't hurt me to wait one more month. I am going to use that time to relax and verify that my CBE monitor is working (because there's no way my body wouldn't work, right). Now I'm a little thrown, though. I really don't like the thought of going into this without the definite knowledge there there's no blockage (partial or otherwise) in my tubes. Grr...one more thing to get over.

I'm really in a better mood that I sound. After all, it's Halloween! And I've got devil horns and heavy makeup on! And all the candy I can eat! Hooray!

You suck

Yeah, that's right. I'm talking to you Military. You really suck! You take Mr. W away at the most inopportune moments. You forced him to miss my Grandpa's funeral. You did not allow him to be there for me at my Granny's funeral. You have taken him away during more than one fertile day. You put him on third shift during my miscarriage. You really suck.

And now...now...I really hate you. We're allowed to start trying again in December. I'm due to ovulate right in the middle of the month. And you have him gone for the TWO WEEKS surrounding my fertile days!!! I HATE YOU!

And I even had a plan...

CD2

And all is well!

No really, I mean it. I feel like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. This weekend was miserable (rather I was miserable this weekend), but the weekend is over.

I realize, now, that I am still grieving, and that's OK. I am OK with it. I finally realize that it's something I have to do until I'm done. It's not within my control to stop the process and it's not healthy to try to control it. As long as I don't try to push it down and force it away then it's bearable. I. Am. OK. :-)

And yesterday AF came. I WAS ELATED!!! This is a new feeling for me, being happy that AF has arrived. But she is here on time!!! Shock! Gasp! 28 days prior to her arrival I had begun (yet again) cramping and spotting (not the miscarriage, the bleeding that began a week or so afterwards). I am so happy that she's here! It also helps to explain why the emotions were smothering this past weekend. That little hussy always makes it harder than it should be. But she's here and I feel better.

And I have a plan! I'm going to put my reasoning in another post, but the plan is set. I've got to call the doc today to schedule an HSG. I'm planning on getting the sticks for my CBE tomorrow. I'll monitor and watch the rest of this month to verify that I'm ovulating as I should be. In 27 days AF should be making another appearance and we're home free! In December we'll be watching the monitor and timing BD while using preseed. I figure I can do that for a few more months before I will demand some further action.

Right now I've decided to give my body a few more months to do this on it's own. (well, of course with Mr. W's help). After all, my cycles have only been regular since August. Before that my doctor wasn't even sure I was ovulating. I'll give my body one warning, though. The first month I don't get a positive OPK, she's in trouble!

So I'm calming down. I'm hopeful. And I've got a plan! What more could I want on CD2? :-)

You Ta.ste Funny! (tmi)

This is what Mr. W said to me the other night. Oddly enough, I've heard this from him before. (I've heard this before...not from him...but shhhhh) From the description I've been given, I am "acidic".

This used to confuse me a little. Of course, it also used to seriously wound my ego. Who wants that sort of comment, after all. I'm pretty sure I have a clue as to why this is, now. And I can see it directly relating to my inability to get pregnant after a lifetime of unprotected sex.

I not only taste acidic, but I am acidic. Well...my hoo-haa is. How does this relate to IF? Follow me here.

The walls of the hoo-haa are supposed to be a little acidic, it helps cut down on the unwanted flora and fauna. During ovulation the cervical mucus is supposed to be more alkaline. Semen is more alkaline, too. This is one of the reasons that fertile CM and semen get along so well.

You with me so far?

What if my fertile CM (I actually don't produce this in copious amounts anyway) is not alkaline enough? What if my hoo-haa is just a tad more acidic in general? This would make my hoo-haa hostile to sperm! This would explain why my body has stayed pregnancy free for so long. This would explain why the first time Mr. W and I used preseed, I received my first ever BFP.

Now of course I'm only working with Dr. Google on this one, but if all of this could be true, then we should be able to time BD with preseed (to counteract my hostile hoo-haa) and get another BFP in the time it would take a fertile couple. Right?

Anyone agree with me on this one? Anyone have any experience with pH issues? All comments or questions are welcome!