October 15th

Today I'm remembering the little lives I've lost. My first and third pregnancies. I never held them in my arms, but I'll always hold them in my heart.

Trembling

Last night I held my husband's hand as he trembled. His face was ashen. His fear was very evident. It terrified me.

Tim has used tobacco products in one form or another since he was a teenager. So has everyone in his family except one grandparent. As long as I've known him he's used smokeless tobacco, he's dipped. He quit before our wedding and didn't pick it back up for almost 6 months. He quit again a few months ago, but picked it back up when the depression and stress became too much for him. He quit again last night.

Every night he brushes his teeth and uses mouth wash. Last night he inspected his gums and mouth and was horrified at what he saw. There are patches inside his cheeks that look like they've been shredded and his gums are discolored and oddly textured. This could be bad. This could be very bad.

Tim's going to give himself a few days to see if the "magic mouthwash" he's using will help his mouth. If not, it's off to the doctor he goes with prayers that this isn't cancer.

Because it could be.

And we're both terrified.

:-)

Friday's appointment went beautifully! My OB walked in dragging the portable ultrasound machine behind her. I was very relieved I didn't have to ask for it. She was also very nonchalant about my week at the mental hospital. Another sigh of relief for me. She was also so wonderful about the fact that the boys were running around the exam table like the little heathens they can be. Everything was wonderful!

I think this may be part of my mental issues right now, but I've been getting a little paranoid that I haven't seen the heartbeat at either one of my ultrasounds. I did get to hear the heartbeat and see Thumper in all his/her gummy-baby glory, but I've never seen the heart flickering. I know Tim saw it at the first ultrasound and the doctor obviously saw it because she timed it at the second ultrasound. So why haven't I been able to see it? I can usually identify everything on an ultrasound, but not these. It's getting under my skin a little and I need to let that go.

My OB wanted to see me back in two weeks. She is AMAZING! I'm pretty sure she's trying to keep me reassured to keep the anxiety at bay. Unfortunately the anxiety has very little to do with my worries and fears about this pregnancy. Of course I am worrying about the pregnancy a little, but no more so than is normal I think. I actually declined the two week visit because I have one already scheduled in three weeks. I'll also have my NT scan that morning. I'm sure if I'm getting overly freaked out before then, she'd fit me in.

I just realized Tim is going out of town for two whole weeks soon. I knew he was going out of town, but I didn't realize it was for two weeks. Ummmm.... Luckily his brother (the least troubled of the two) is going to come stay. The boys love him and he's willing to change diapers and cook simple meals. I'm very grateful for this, but it's going to be a little weird. Luckily he's stayed with us before so it shouldn't be too weird.

Oh yeah, I haven't changed a diaper since some time before my first OB appointment. The smell of urine almost makes me vomit...even my own. And I can't even be around a stinky diaper. It's been interesting to say the least. I'm so very grateful for Tim. He's been super supportive through all of this and hasn't complained once about how little I've been able to do.

I'm also so very grateful for all of you that have been so supportive. It's meant so much to me. It's amazing how good it can feel to know that I have friends out there that don't judge me and are there for me. Thank you.