Last night I held my husband's hand as he trembled. His face was ashen. His fear was very evident. It terrified me.
Tim has used tobacco products in one form or another since he was a teenager. So has everyone in his family except one grandparent. As long as I've known him he's used smokeless tobacco, he's dipped. He quit before our wedding and didn't pick it back up for almost 6 months. He quit again a few months ago, but picked it back up when the depression and stress became too much for him. He quit again last night.
Every night he brushes his teeth and uses mouth wash. Last night he inspected his gums and mouth and was horrified at what he saw. There are patches inside his cheeks that look like they've been shredded and his gums are discolored and oddly textured. This could be bad. This could be very bad.
Tim's going to give himself a few days to see if the "magic mouthwash" he's using will help his mouth. If not, it's off to the doctor he goes with prayers that this isn't cancer.
Because it could be.
And we're both terrified.
Showing posts with label In Need Of Love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label In Need Of Love. Show all posts
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
A Change of Mind
Last night I told Tim I didn't think we should be trying for another baby right now.
We've been bickering (not really fighting, but constant bickering) a lot lately. It feels like he's angry at me all the time, and I don't know why. He makes constant comments about things I'm doing wrong or not doing, but won't come right out and tell me what it is he thinks I should be doing. On the other hand, his constant negativity is about to drive me up a wall. He is constantly working on one project or another then complaining because he doesn't think he spends enough time with the kids. Whenever he sits down long enough to do anything with the boys he ends up laying down and falling asleep on the couch. His tone and attitude are poisoning the house.
I expressed a lot of this to him last night and his response was that our sex life sucks. Why yes, yes it does! The combination of my low self esteem and his complete negativity kills any sex drive I could ever muster up. Who wants to get all romantic right after their husband has finished slamming a door because "nothing ever goes right!!!!"? Give me a break! And as far as my self esteem goes? Well...my weight isn't helping (or going down because I just don't want to diet right now). You know what else doesn't help? Having a husband that gets pissed off because I haven't gone to the grocery store (did I blog about that yet?) then turns around and grabs my ass like I'm a piece of meat? Kind of makes a girl think the only reason she's around is to cook and put out.
So we had a long talk last night and didn't seem to get anything resloved. He said he still wanted to try for another, but feels the only reason we have sex it to conceive (ummm...sure...because sex 6 days before earliest possible ovulation has a chance. yeah). I told him that I didn't think adding another baby would help our stress levels. I'm concerned about our marriage and don't want to add anymore to our plates.
Then today I get this:
Tim was supposed to be out of town for my peak fertile days this month, but it didn't happen. I don't know of another cycle that I ovulated before CD17.
My last miscarriage happened 6 months ago yesterday. I would have been 35 weeks tomorrow. I wonder what state our marriage and my mental health would be in if the baby had been healthy.
We've been bickering (not really fighting, but constant bickering) a lot lately. It feels like he's angry at me all the time, and I don't know why. He makes constant comments about things I'm doing wrong or not doing, but won't come right out and tell me what it is he thinks I should be doing. On the other hand, his constant negativity is about to drive me up a wall. He is constantly working on one project or another then complaining because he doesn't think he spends enough time with the kids. Whenever he sits down long enough to do anything with the boys he ends up laying down and falling asleep on the couch. His tone and attitude are poisoning the house.
I expressed a lot of this to him last night and his response was that our sex life sucks. Why yes, yes it does! The combination of my low self esteem and his complete negativity kills any sex drive I could ever muster up. Who wants to get all romantic right after their husband has finished slamming a door because "nothing ever goes right!!!!"? Give me a break! And as far as my self esteem goes? Well...my weight isn't helping (or going down because I just don't want to diet right now). You know what else doesn't help? Having a husband that gets pissed off because I haven't gone to the grocery store (did I blog about that yet?) then turns around and grabs my ass like I'm a piece of meat? Kind of makes a girl think the only reason she's around is to cook and put out.
So we had a long talk last night and didn't seem to get anything resloved. He said he still wanted to try for another, but feels the only reason we have sex it to conceive (ummm...sure...because sex 6 days before earliest possible ovulation has a chance. yeah). I told him that I didn't think adding another baby would help our stress levels. I'm concerned about our marriage and don't want to add anymore to our plates.
Then today I get this:
Tim was supposed to be out of town for my peak fertile days this month, but it didn't happen. I don't know of another cycle that I ovulated before CD17.
My last miscarriage happened 6 months ago yesterday. I would have been 35 weeks tomorrow. I wonder what state our marriage and my mental health would be in if the baby had been healthy.
Saturday, December 27, 2008
If the cancer doesn't get you...
The blood clots will. A, from this post and the ones linked to it is dead. The brain tumor didn't kill him. A blood clot did, though. He fell dead of a heart attack this morning.
J took A to a doc-in-the-box yesterday evening due to pain and swelling in his legs. They then sent him to the best hospital around for an ultrasound. After being examined at said hospital and being determined that it could be a blood clot A was sent home with aspirin and an order to come back in the morning for the ultrasound; there was no ultrasound technician on duty at that hour.
This morning A turned to J right before he fell to the floor. They were on their way out the door heading back to the hospital for the ultrasound. He was dead before the EMTs got there.
Ten months to the day after her father died, her husband died.
To say she is broken is an understatement.
J took A to a doc-in-the-box yesterday evening due to pain and swelling in his legs. They then sent him to the best hospital around for an ultrasound. After being examined at said hospital and being determined that it could be a blood clot A was sent home with aspirin and an order to come back in the morning for the ultrasound; there was no ultrasound technician on duty at that hour.
This morning A turned to J right before he fell to the floor. They were on their way out the door heading back to the hospital for the ultrasound. He was dead before the EMTs got there.
Ten months to the day after her father died, her husband died.
To say she is broken is an understatement.
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Her suckage continues
Almost two weeks ago I wrote about my friend J (post is here). Her and A have gotten an update. Stage 4 cancer. A softball size tumor in his head that has eaten the bone in the front of his face. 6-9 weeks of chemotherapy followed by a very serious surgery involving facial reconstruction followed by 6-9 weeks of radiation. His chances of making it through the surgery are not very high, and if he does survive the surgery they give him a very small chance of ever making it off the ventilator. If he survives the surgery and beats the cancer he has a high chance of being disfigured and having speech and vision problems. His doctors told him to get the things done that he wanted to do before he died.
She is devastated. But on the tail of this devastation she has some odd hope. He finally told her that he wants to marry her and wants her to have his child. He can delay the beginning of his chemo long enough to try one natural TTC cycle. He's also going to freeze some of his guys in case it doesn't work this month. He's had over five years to make a serious commitment to J and he chooses what could be his last months on earth to do it?
I question his intentions. Of course when you're told that you're more than likely dying, you don't want to die alone and you don't want to die without leaving a legacy. He's told her that if he doesn't make it, that she and the baby would be very well taken care of (financially). But who would support her emotionally? She barely has any family left. His family is pretty emotionally screwed up (as in vacant).
Of course, I support her in whatever decision she makes. I know how much she loves A and has dreamed of marrying him and having his children. I gave her a crash course in TTC and offered any support I can give her. Now we just see what happens.
She is devastated. But on the tail of this devastation she has some odd hope. He finally told her that he wants to marry her and wants her to have his child. He can delay the beginning of his chemo long enough to try one natural TTC cycle. He's also going to freeze some of his guys in case it doesn't work this month. He's had over five years to make a serious commitment to J and he chooses what could be his last months on earth to do it?
I question his intentions. Of course when you're told that you're more than likely dying, you don't want to die alone and you don't want to die without leaving a legacy. He's told her that if he doesn't make it, that she and the baby would be very well taken care of (financially). But who would support her emotionally? She barely has any family left. His family is pretty emotionally screwed up (as in vacant).
Of course, I support her in whatever decision she makes. I know how much she loves A and has dreamed of marrying him and having his children. I gave her a crash course in TTC and offered any support I can give her. Now we just see what happens.
Friday, November 7, 2008
How does one person deserve so much horrible luck?
When I moved to Charleston, the first people I met were J & A. They took me in and introduced me to more people. They made me feel at home.
Over the years, as I'd moved around a bit and our interest diverged, we grew apart. But J was always there if I needed her and I've always done my best to be there for J.
Last winter J called me sounding on the verge of a nervous breakdown. She'd begun having anxiety attacks and didn't have anyone else to talk to about it. Her closest friend told her to check herself into an institution (come on! for anxiety attacks! first thing is they won't take you...trust me. second thing is, they're anxiety attacks, not hallucinations or voices). She was scared and I was as there for her as I could be.
About a month later J went to a doctor due to a "sinus infection" she'd had for over 3 months. It turns out that the majority of her anxiety and her sinus infection symptoms were being caused by polyps in her sinuses. The polyps were pressing against her brain and eating away at her skull. She was given a price tag for a necessary surgery that was way beyond anything she could come up with in a timely manner. She has no insurance and a poor paying job.
While J was saving money for her surgery, her car broke down. Mr. W managed to keep it running for her, but to truly get it fixed she'd have to fork out almost a grand.
Within a couple of weeks J called again. Her father died suddenly of a massive heart attack. J's mother did not handle it well, she has a multitude of health problems. The night of J's father's receiving, J called again. Her mother was in the hospital and they weren't sure if she was going to survive the night.
J's mother missed her husband's funeral, but managed to pull through. J had to put her mother in a nursing home (J's mother is in her early 50's). J had/has no place to live and her boyfriend (A) was/is not supportive.
The only good news in the story: J finally managed to scrape together the money for her surgery and it went off without a hitch! All of the polyps were removed! Her anxiety decreased drastically and her sinus issues cleared up almost completely!
Over the next few months J's mother went downhill. She has no will to live and it's only a matter of time before her body gives out. J is heartbroken, but knows that her mother wants to be with her father.
Night before last J stayed at A's house. She awoke in the middle of the night to strange noises coming from A. He was having a grand mal seizure. She called 911 and rolled him onto his side. She saved his life. He had chewed up his tongue pretty badly and was choking on his own blood.
Yesterday A was kept in the hospital because the seizures continued and he had developed a fever. They did a range of tests. This morning the doctor's informed them that he has a cancerous tumor in his brain. They're going to transfer him to MUSC (same hospital I'll deliver at) so he can receive the best treatment. That's all the know right now.
Seriously...how does one person have so many horrible things happen in their life all within one year???
Any prayers, good vibes, good thoughts, chicken dances, anything for J & A would be greatly appreciated right now. This poor woman needs something in her life to get better.
Over the years, as I'd moved around a bit and our interest diverged, we grew apart. But J was always there if I needed her and I've always done my best to be there for J.
Last winter J called me sounding on the verge of a nervous breakdown. She'd begun having anxiety attacks and didn't have anyone else to talk to about it. Her closest friend told her to check herself into an institution (come on! for anxiety attacks! first thing is they won't take you...trust me. second thing is, they're anxiety attacks, not hallucinations or voices). She was scared and I was as there for her as I could be.
About a month later J went to a doctor due to a "sinus infection" she'd had for over 3 months. It turns out that the majority of her anxiety and her sinus infection symptoms were being caused by polyps in her sinuses. The polyps were pressing against her brain and eating away at her skull. She was given a price tag for a necessary surgery that was way beyond anything she could come up with in a timely manner. She has no insurance and a poor paying job.
While J was saving money for her surgery, her car broke down. Mr. W managed to keep it running for her, but to truly get it fixed she'd have to fork out almost a grand.
Within a couple of weeks J called again. Her father died suddenly of a massive heart attack. J's mother did not handle it well, she has a multitude of health problems. The night of J's father's receiving, J called again. Her mother was in the hospital and they weren't sure if she was going to survive the night.
J's mother missed her husband's funeral, but managed to pull through. J had to put her mother in a nursing home (J's mother is in her early 50's). J had/has no place to live and her boyfriend (A) was/is not supportive.
The only good news in the story: J finally managed to scrape together the money for her surgery and it went off without a hitch! All of the polyps were removed! Her anxiety decreased drastically and her sinus issues cleared up almost completely!
Over the next few months J's mother went downhill. She has no will to live and it's only a matter of time before her body gives out. J is heartbroken, but knows that her mother wants to be with her father.
Night before last J stayed at A's house. She awoke in the middle of the night to strange noises coming from A. He was having a grand mal seizure. She called 911 and rolled him onto his side. She saved his life. He had chewed up his tongue pretty badly and was choking on his own blood.
Yesterday A was kept in the hospital because the seizures continued and he had developed a fever. They did a range of tests. This morning the doctor's informed them that he has a cancerous tumor in his brain. They're going to transfer him to MUSC (same hospital I'll deliver at) so he can receive the best treatment. That's all the know right now.
Seriously...how does one person have so many horrible things happen in their life all within one year???
Any prayers, good vibes, good thoughts, chicken dances, anything for J & A would be greatly appreciated right now. This poor woman needs something in her life to get better.
Thursday, May 29, 2008
New days rock
Today, Thursday, May 29, please click on Allison's blog, Our Own Creation, and help replace her previous "best day ever" post with whatever is currently up on her blog that day. (The day that Allison lost Zoë is forever marked her "best day ever" on Wordpress because it is the day that the most people visited her blog. For her own emotional well-being, she needs this post to be taken off her blog dashboard. The way to do that is to create a new record for visits to her blog.) Everyone needs to visit on the same day--May 29th--because if we simply click throughout the week, it won't bump the day she lost Zoë from that section of the dashboard. (this was all plagerized from this post)_____________________________________________________
I woke up this morning, took my shower, and then it dawned on me. I AM NOT MISERABLE!!!! I am still nauseous, but it's very do-able. I'm only taking my Zofran at this point and feel that it's definitely manageable. I am absolutely ecstatic to finally not feel miserable!!!! I think I may even venture to one store or another after work to see if I can find a couple of shirts that might fit me for a little while. Of course, that's if I have the energy. Today is my second full day back at work so I expect to be pretty tired at the end of the day. Of course I can't walk around topless on the weekends (regardless of how much Mr. W enjoys seeing my "porn-star tits"). And I'm pretty sure Mr. W is also about to hide all of his t-shirts from me so I'll quit stealing them. :-)
Than you all for your input yesterday. I guess I'm just emotional right now and need to remember that not everyone else is a basket case like I am. Duh.
Tuesday, January 8, 2008
Monday, January 7, 2008
Please pray
Please pray for this couple and their baby. The mother was on her way to a double lung transplant when they found out she was pregnant. They held off on delivery as long as possible, but with the mother's deteriorating health, today is the day. If I'm not mistaken, she is under 30 weeks, but exactly how far along, I do not know.
Thursday, October 25, 2007
Yay!!
Check out the good news!!!
http://fertilizeme.blogspot.com/2007/10/i-am-what-i-am.html
Oh...and if you don't subscribe to Lost and Found and Connections Abound , I highly suggest you do. It's a wonderful way to keep up on people you already know and love and to find new friends or lost friends!
http://fertilizeme.blogspot.com/2007/10/i-am-what-i-am.html
Oh...and if you don't subscribe to Lost and Found and Connections Abound , I highly suggest you do. It's a wonderful way to keep up on people you already know and love and to find new friends or lost friends!
Friday, October 19, 2007
Show some love...
Farah could really use some love right now. I'm sure just about anyone who reads this already reads her, but just in case.
Thursday, October 18, 2007
Fermeture...Schliessen...Chiusura...Fechamento...Encierro
Closure...
My hCG level was 5 yesterday!!! Yay!!!!! This means a couple of things:
My hCG level was 5 yesterday!!! Yay!!!!! This means a couple of things:
- My cycles should start getting back to "normal" (hopefully)
- Mr. W and I are going to be a little busy tonight! Yay!!!
This second one especially rocks because I'm leaving for the weekend tomorrow at noon. I really hate for either one of us to leave on a trip without a little bit of lovin'.
Looks like my wish came true! Maybe I should wish for $1,000,000 next...
***UPDATE***
SHIT! It just hit me that I had made a deal with myself that I'd start Weight Watchers when my hCG hit negative. Can't start this weekend because I'll be at Carowinds. I guess it's back to the diet-grind on Monday. Ugh! Wish me luck!!! :-)
Saturday, October 13, 2007
Show her some love
My dear friend Farah could use some love and support right now. She's going through a really rough time right now. Please show her some blog-love!
http://fertilizeme.blogspot.com/
http://fertilizeme.blogspot.com/
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