Brutal Honesty

I remember having an issue with anxiety in the beginning of my pregnancy with the boys. I do NOT remember anything like this, though. It's almost debilitating. My skin is constantly crawling. My entire digestive system is in knots. I'm not 100% sure the vomiting and nausea are even halfway related to the pregnancy...it's my anxiety. And my thoughts are a horrible mess.

I've decided I don't want to ever try to get pregnant again. Even if this pregnancy doesn't make it, I don't want  to get pregnant again. I can't function! I can barely take care of my children!!! I've already told Tim about this decision...he hasn't responded.

Tim took care of all of us this weekend. I was so grateful to have him off work Friday and home all weekend. He made sure we all ate and did his best to keep the boys from bouncing on me.

For the sake of honesty, I'll admit things here that I can't say outloud.

• I don't want to be pregnant.
• If I could transfer this pregnancy to someone else, I would.
• I'm terrified that I'll feel this way the entire pregnancy.
• How the hell am I going to take care of a newborn and two rambunctious toddlers??
• I can't stand being in my own skin right now.

I know so much of this is only the anxiety talking (the 4th bullet isn't just the anxiety, that's reality but it will all work out). But it's so real for me right now. My appointment is Wednesday and I have every intention of begging my doctor for any help s/he can offer.

I feel like a total waste of space and pretty much hate myself right now. What person in their right mind has these thoughts? I don't even want to be around my own children right now. WTH??

I'd appreciate any prayers or thoughts or chicken-dances or anything else you can offer up for me right now. My children need me and I need to be able to be there for them.

Also, if anyone has ever had any issues with severe anxiety in early pregnancy, I'd really like to know I'm not alone. Please.

Disclaimer: No, I don't want to hurt myself or anyone. Yes, I've talked to Tim about all of this. I have numbers to call if things get beyond my control.

Bulletsssss

• I feel like a total douche for bitching about this pregnancy.
• I'm really grateful that I am where I am.
• I'm really jealous of my BFF who's pregnancy was the most beautiful thing in her life next to actually raising her daughter.
• The anxiety is worse. I guess it's my body's reaction to the hormone overloads going on?
• The puking started today.
• The puking gives me even more hope that things will be OK and I'll have a THB in late April, early May.
• Tim asked me if I've been thinking of names. I wanted to slap him.
• I finally have some Zofran!! I'm hoping to eat later today. :-)
• My children think the sound of me puking is hilarious.

All she does is bitch & moan

Yup. That pretty much sums it up. I've decided...wait, I'm pretty sure I decided this a long time ago...I don't enjoy pregnancy*. Sure, there are parts of it that I love, but those parts are few and far between. I thought maybe it was just the boys pregnancy that was so not fun for me, but this pregnancy is following the same path as that one so far.

• Twin pregnancy - Around 5w3d I started feeling "queasy", but nothing that couldn't be cured with some food.
• This go-round - 4w5d I started feeling that old familiar feeling only food doesn't seem to help.
• Twin pregnancy - Around 6 1/2w the vomiting started. It was only slowed down by copious amounts of Zofran and Phenergan. I ended up getting 3 different IVs and many bags of fluids and other stuff and was only kept out of the hospital by a very determined doctor (no, she wasn't really a doctor, but who really is a doctor at the base medical clinic?) that understood we were switching insurance.
• This go-round - Today is 6w1d and I am doing my best to function. I haven't thrown up, yet, but...It's been rough. I'm currently waiting to hear from my doctor's office to hopefully get a fresh prescription for Zofran. At the rate things are progressing, tomorrow could bring copious amounts of vomit. I know I sound all Debbie-Downer, but this all-day-unrelenting nausea is only getting stronger.

One of the worst things about this crap (beside the obvious difficulties of taking care of rambunctious twin toddlers) is the anxiety that comes along with it. I was so glad that I documented my anxiety during the beginning of my pregnancy with the boys so I know this is routine for me.

On a good note, I'm pretty sure things are progressing as they should. I know I could be this sick and things could still go south, but really? I'm thinking good things.

And, No, I don't think it's twins. I think it's just my lot in life to have some nasty morning sickness (please no HG again!!!) with healthy pregnancies.



*I am very grateful for what I have, but that doesn't mean I have to like everything about it.

I promised a non-PG related post, but...

I screwed up.  I had to google a condition so I could remember what it's called and now I'm filled with fear.  At my growth scan yesterday they found that both of the boys are suddenly measuring about a week ahead, where they've been pretty much on target (give or take a day) since the beginning.  Both boys also have hydramnios, excessive amniotic fluid.  I really just wanted to remember the name of the condition but of course couldn't stop myself from reading the possible causes once the googling had been done.  Twin to twin transfusion was long ago ruled out.  Gestational diabetes was ruled out yesterday.  Now the causes have left seem to be infections and chromosomal defects.  Fuck I'm scared.  But what's the chance they would both have the same infection or chromosomal disorder?  They're most definitely fraternal (we finally got good face shots of Baby A and he has a lot of my features while Baby B has always had more of Mr. W's features).

Either way it goes, I'm hormonal as hell so I'm scared pretty easily right now.  For example:  after my braxton hicks started last week it seemed that I wasn't feeling Baby B too much.  I silently freaked out for a week.  Yesterdays scan it revealed that Baby B had flipped and is now breach.  That explains why I didn't feel him as much.  But today was my last day at work and Mr. W is going out of town with work for two weeks beginning tomorrow.  I've got two weeks until my next scheduled appointment with my doctor.  I don't think the rational part of my brain is going to be able to hold out against the hormonal irrational side for two weeks while sitting home by myself all day and all night.  I'm going to email my midwife and find out what the next step is in this matter.  I have the distinct feeling that she's going to tell me I need to wait until my next growth scan (3 weeks instead of 4) to see if the excessive fluid and sudden growth is more/less/no change.

Another, quite possibly irrational, fear that I have is that they've moved my growth scan up by a week is because they're comfortable delivering twins at 30 weeks.  The comment was made to me that as long as they made it to 30 weeks then everything would be fine.  By whose definition?  Not by mine!  Sure, they're chance is pretty good, but still.  I'm worried that they're doing the scan at 30 weeks so if the condition hasn't improved or has worsened they can give me an amniocentesis without as much fear of preterm delivery killing the boys.  Again, this is probably an irrational fear.  A)  The chance of my water breaking due to an amnio is not that high B)  They probably moved my growth scan up to 30 weeks because of the fact that it's 30 weeks (instead of having it at 31 weeks).  I mean, my last scan is supposed to be at 34 weeks because they figure that I'll go any time after that.

I love these little lives inside of me more than I thought that I ever would.  I can't quit thinking about the what-ifs, but can't imagine my life without them.  I need some peace and some serenity.  If I can't get that, I guess I'll have to settle for some serious housecleaning and crocheting to preoccupy myself instead.  :-)

The Chicken or the Egg?

I'm anxious therefor I feel the strong desire to vomit.
I feel the strong desire to vomit therefor I'm anxious.
I'm really not sure which of these statement is accurate.

I know that I am a little anxious.  The more I thought about my visit with the doc yesterday the more upset I became at her reaction to not seeing anything in the sac.  Logically I know it was early and it would have been shocking to see anything at that point.  And once the doc knew that I'd ovulated late she agreed that what she saw was perfectly normal.  But her initial reaction has burrowed under my skin and has been gnawing at my sanity.

I also know that Wednesday afternoon (the day before the scan) I had begun feeling some queasiness that seemed to only be remedied by forcing myself to eat.  I can't logically say it was anxiety related.

I'm also all too aware of the years that I bolted out of bed every morning praying to get to the toilet before I threw up.  I remember the constant nagging anxiety that had me ready to heave at a single stressful thought/situation.  I don't remember much happiness from that time and do not care to go back (which is why I was on medication until I began TTC).   During that time anxiety = nausea/vomiting.

So now I wonder if the nausea is a result of the life growing inside of me and I'm having a Pavlovian response to the nausea.  I'm wondering if I am indeed anxious because my mind thinks that's how I'm supposed to be when I'm nauseous.  This is so much better than the alternative.

Milestones

Tomorrow I will be 5w3d.  That will be a milestone for me.  Last time I started bleeding at 5w3d.

I'm a little nervous today.  Of course it hasn't helped that I've been googling betas for multiples and found a ton that were very close to mine and ended up being triplets.  Ummmmmm.  WHY AREN'T YOU WORKING BETABASE?!?!?!  I would be overjoyed with twins and just as ecstatic for a singleton.  I would be terrified with triplets.  I really don't think it's triplets, though.  My betas weren't that high.

So tomorrow is my next scan.  I am very excited and cannot wait!  It's at 9:15 so I'll post as soon as I get to work (and get the hounds off of my ass enough to scan the pic).  Mr. W is back in town and off of work, so he'll go with me.  I think he's almost as excited as I am.  :-)

Now if only I can let go of this nagging, and irrational, fear that I'm going to begin bleeding as soon as they begin the wanding.

a couple of questions

Is Zoloft safe to take during pregnancy? 

It seems that I've read that at least a few of you lovely pregnant ladies out there are on it.  I would love to know that there is something I can take.  I was on Zoloft for quite a while, but the doc said I needed an upgrade so I switched to The Devil (Effexor).  The Devil is not fetus-friendly, so that didn't last.  Since May I haven't been taking anything except for the tinniest amount of Xanax right after my BCMEP.  I think my sanity is wearing thin at this point.

Since I took Provera to bring on AF, but AF started on day 9 of taking the meds instead of waiting until the proper amount of time had passed after taking the meds...is it possible that I'm PMS-ing?  (how's that for a poorly structured sentence) 

It's only CD 13 and I am an emotional mess.  It started yesterday and has only gotten worse.  This could directly relate to question number one.  Hormones really suck.  Of course this could also be related to the fact that my evil drug addicted lovely brothers-in-law are coming to torture and drive me insane visit this weekend.  I've actually told Mr. W in a very matter of fact way that if they start to annoy me too much, I'm staying with my sister the rest of the weekend.

On that note; Mr. W reminded me that Bacardi Silver and Diet Coke is supposed to be low cal (possibly zero calories).  He's promised to pick up a bottle of Bacardi for me.  Maybe this weekend will be livable after all.  How early is too early for a rum and coke on Saturday?  Hee hee hee...

What dreams may come

The title really doesn't have anything to do with the post...I just really love that statement. It sounds so hopeful or desperate, depending on what mindset you're in at the moment. I'm a little bit of both right now.

I gave myself a pat on the back yesterday! "You don't even need this Xan.ax! You jumped the gun! You go girl!"

I lied. I spoke too soon. Shortly after my pat-on-the-back I realized I was mistaken. I was wrong.

Last night I was antsy. I woke up this morning to the familiar feeling of needing to vomit. All day I've been...tense, nauseous, wanting to do anything other than what I'm doing.

I don't want to take the meds because they're only a temporary fix. I don't want to go back on meds because I want to go back to TTC after my two month wait. I want to feel better, but I'm not at a place that I can remember how I used to make myself feel better. I want to cry. I want to crawl into bed and cover up and just lay there with my eyes closed, in silence.

I finally got caught up on a lot of overdue blog-reading today. It was actually more comforting that I thought it would be. I didn't have a lot of good comments to leave, like I would have liked, but it was nice. Therapeutic, almost. I feel a little better. I wish I could understand why.

I wish I could understand where this anxiety comes from. The absolute fear and dread...of nothing. I dread going home because my husband may speak to me (wtf???). I dread going to work because I may have to work. I dread going to the sewing class...just because I'd be there.

And I've been here before...but I can't freakin remember how to get out!! And I want out.

Score one for me!

I finally heard from the doctor's office at 10:30 (they called in on another line after I had been sitting on hold with their office for about 2 minutes). My doctor had conferred with two other doctor's in the practice and they decided that although my numbers are not doing exactly what they would like, they're low enough. And they're moving in the downward direction. I did not have to have more methotrexate today. Yay!!!!

As soon as they told me this, I asked if they would have the doctor call in something for my nerves. Before I got serious with my TTC journey, I was on medication for anxiety. Up until this part of my journey, I have managed to keep my anxiety at bay. Not now. The roller coaster that I have been on is too much.

I have found myself on the verge of a pretty nasty cliff the past week. At the bottom of this cliff is a lot of nasty emotions. Emotions that I have managed to move past. Emotions that are not even real...they're reactions to unrealistic views that I had years ago. I do not want to go off this cliff and I will not go off this cliff.

So hopefully this roller coaster is coming to an end. Hopefully my numbers will continue to drop at a decent rate. Hopefully a few xa.nax are all I need to keep me sane until I manage to sort through all of this in my mind.

And there's always tomorrow! And tomorrow can always be something better than today!!!