Better

Thank you all so much for your support.  My pity party is now over (for the most part).  I know it's only Clomid and it's not that big of a deal.  I mean, come on!  I AM A CLOMID BABY!!!  This should give me hope.  I'm not ending anything, just beginning a slightly different part of my journey.  And I will walk into this with positive thoughts!  And if I end up doing IUIs, it's OK and I will be positive.  And if I end up doing IVF, it's OK and I will be positive.  This is the journey that I know is mine, and I will be positive!  I've even talked to my Mom and Sister about it (and didn't get the "just relax" like I usually get from my sister). 

The only hitch I'm running into right now is from my doctor.  I called the office yesterday to let them know CD1 should be here any day and to get my prescription and find out what their protocol was...no notes.  My doctor didn't make any notes in my file about Clomid.  Huh?  WTF was the HSG for?  "To make sure your tubes are clear before we start you on Clomid" was what I was originally told.  Luckily the doctor's nurse rocks.  So she's going to talk to the doc about it today and see what needs to be done.  (My doc is always so busy that this seems to be a norm for her.  The good thing is her nurse makes sure that things get done.  But don't get me wrong, my doctor is wonderful, just not 100% wonderful at multi-tasking.)  She'll get back to me today.

So anyone interested in my latest addiction?  I played the free on-line version for a while, but now I'm jumping in with both feet.  I ordered it yesterday!!!  Fate.  I LOVE it!  It should be here today!!!  Yay!!!!  So if I get a little quiet...I'm not wallowing in stupid self pity, I'm playing a game!

11DPO

I'm pms-ing.  That's not good.  And I know that so many pms symptoms are so similar to BFP symptoms...but there's no way.  These aren't "something's happening" cramps...they're AF cramps.  These aren't "mood swings" these are get-away -from-me-before-i-kill-you-and-hide-your-body-in-the-freezer moods.  And that depresses the absolute hell out of me. 

I don't even want to talk to anyone IRL about it.  I don't want to remind those that know that this ends my "all-natural" baby making.  (Come on...really...what's natural about peeing on a stick for 10 - 20 days a month, timing sex, and using special lubricants?)  I know it's only Clomid, but it's more than I wanted.  Yeah, so what.  I know.  But it's breaking my heart.  I.  Don't.  Want.  This.

So while I'm thinking about what I need to do to make sure that I can get the prescription for Clomid in time, I'm beginning to figure out what I need to do to do an IUI...and that leads me (in my mind) to IVF.  I can't plan one without beginning planning for the other.  It's a vicious cycle that I can't get out of.  And I find myself thinking about these things all the time.  As if planning is giving me some form of control.  The worst part of this is that my mind never takes a break from it.  I'm exhausted.  I want to think about something else for a while...maybe just an hour.

Now on a completely different note:

Thank you all so much for your support with the dentist's appointment.  It really went better than I expected.  I was so excited by talking about my braces that the not-being-pregnant didn't really bother me too much.  But the love and support I got from you guys made it even better.  Just in case no one has told you today...YOU ROCK!

In motion ***updated with questions***

I did it.  I called my OB/Gyn's office.  I left a message for my doctor's nurse requesting fertility testing and/or treatment.  Now I wait for them to call me back.

Exhale.

***questions***

What sort of tests would you guys have done?  I'm not extremely trusting in my OB/Gyn as far as her recommending all the testing I should have done.  I would really rather go to an RE, but that requires a lot of hoops and a lot more missed time from work for base appointments (by base appointments I mean sitting on the military base to get referalls); there's also the huge chance that they'll make me start completely fresh.

So what testing should I request?

And if any of you are active duty military, I'd love any suggestions on getting testing and treatment with Tricare!

Thank you all so much!!!  (and thank you for bringing this all up in my mind, Nancy!)

I know the fat lady has not sung

But I hear her warming up.

It's CD15 and there's not so much as a glimmer of a high reading on my CBEFM. 

Even though last month was anovulatory, at least I know my ovaries were trying.  Beginning around CD11 or 12 I got high readings.  The month before I had high readings beginning somewhere around the same time and I got a peak reading on CD17.  July, August, and September I ovulated on CD15 (at least that's when I got my LH surge) according to my OPKs. 

I have 5 more days left before hope gets kicked out the door.  If nothing has shown up on the monitor or the OPK strips (I'm using those in the afternoon), then I'll call the doctor and demand the testing that I should have demanded a long time ago.  It looks like I'll finally be taking some sort of action. 

I cried in the bathroom at church today when it hit me that this was my last month of all natural trying.  I know the next step will probably only entail a lot of tests and Clomid, but that's more than I was ready for.  Maybe that's why I've waited so long to make the call.

5 more days.  I'd really like a miracle, now, thank you.

Let's get it on!

So CD1 is here.  Provera be damned!  I went ahead and tossed the last few pills I had.  Of course I'm a little confused how my period started while I was still on the Provera, but oh well.  This can work to my advantage!  It turns out that Mr. W will be out of town for a few days next month.  Those few days fall right when I had projected that I would ovulate if AF had shown up two weeks after finishing the Provera.  So I'm pretty stoked that the bitch is early!   I'm stocked up on sticks for my CBEFM and OPK sticks (I know I'm a POAS-a-holic) and have a few applicators of Pre-Seed.  I'm ready!  Let's get it on (ummm...next week or so)!

I've held off on starting my W.W. pictorial.  I'm glad I did, though.  I was beyond bloated!  I'm starting the plan tomorrow and will get Mr. W to snap a few shots of me tomorrow night.  Don't say you weren't warned!  ;-)

CD2

And all is well!

No really, I mean it. I feel like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. This weekend was miserable (rather I was miserable this weekend), but the weekend is over.

I realize, now, that I am still grieving, and that's OK. I am OK with it. I finally realize that it's something I have to do until I'm done. It's not within my control to stop the process and it's not healthy to try to control it. As long as I don't try to push it down and force it away then it's bearable. I. Am. OK. :-)

And yesterday AF came. I WAS ELATED!!! This is a new feeling for me, being happy that AF has arrived. But she is here on time!!! Shock! Gasp! 28 days prior to her arrival I had begun (yet again) cramping and spotting (not the miscarriage, the bleeding that began a week or so afterwards). I am so happy that she's here! It also helps to explain why the emotions were smothering this past weekend. That little hussy always makes it harder than it should be. But she's here and I feel better.

And I have a plan! I'm going to put my reasoning in another post, but the plan is set. I've got to call the doc today to schedule an HSG. I'm planning on getting the sticks for my CBE tomorrow. I'll monitor and watch the rest of this month to verify that I'm ovulating as I should be. In 27 days AF should be making another appearance and we're home free! In December we'll be watching the monitor and timing BD while using preseed. I figure I can do that for a few more months before I will demand some further action.

Right now I've decided to give my body a few more months to do this on it's own. (well, of course with Mr. W's help). After all, my cycles have only been regular since August. Before that my doctor wasn't even sure I was ovulating. I'll give my body one warning, though. The first month I don't get a positive OPK, she's in trouble!

So I'm calming down. I'm hopeful. And I've got a plan! What more could I want on CD2? :-)

You Ta.ste Funny! (tmi)

This is what Mr. W said to me the other night. Oddly enough, I've heard this from him before. (I've heard this before...not from him...but shhhhh) From the description I've been given, I am "acidic".

This used to confuse me a little. Of course, it also used to seriously wound my ego. Who wants that sort of comment, after all. I'm pretty sure I have a clue as to why this is, now. And I can see it directly relating to my inability to get pregnant after a lifetime of unprotected sex.

I not only taste acidic, but I am acidic. Well...my hoo-haa is. How does this relate to IF? Follow me here.

The walls of the hoo-haa are supposed to be a little acidic, it helps cut down on the unwanted flora and fauna. During ovulation the cervical mucus is supposed to be more alkaline. Semen is more alkaline, too. This is one of the reasons that fertile CM and semen get along so well.

You with me so far?

What if my fertile CM (I actually don't produce this in copious amounts anyway) is not alkaline enough? What if my hoo-haa is just a tad more acidic in general? This would make my hoo-haa hostile to sperm! This would explain why my body has stayed pregnancy free for so long. This would explain why the first time Mr. W and I used preseed, I received my first ever BFP.

Now of course I'm only working with Dr. Google on this one, but if all of this could be true, then we should be able to time BD with preseed (to counteract my hostile hoo-haa) and get another BFP in the time it would take a fertile couple. Right?

Anyone agree with me on this one? Anyone have any experience with pH issues? All comments or questions are welcome!

Yeah, Ouch!

So the endometrial biopsy went. I can't say it went well, because I don't know the results, yet, but it went. I'm quite glad it's over and hope to never have to have another one. It wasn't the worst pain that I've had, but I can say it's the worst cramps I've ever had. Ouch!

I didn't get to see my regular doctor, but the one I did see was pretty good. She's way too passive for me, though. I say that, then I add that she changed the order for my blood work today. She added a CBC, Hepatic Panel, Type & RH along with the quant HCG. This is all "just in case" they decide that I need the mexa-whats-it shot on Wednesday.

So I'm still sitting in limbo...waiting. I'm really becoming pretty indifferent to it all. I'm pretty sure that when it's all said and done I'll be ready to move on past the miscarriage. I'll probably be ready to start TTC again by that time. If you had asked me a week ago, I would have told you that I wanted to wait a couple of months. Now, since it's not a possibility, I'm pitching a mental temper tantrum that I can't start trying. Ha! Talk about wanting what I can't have!

But all-in-all I'm doing OK. It helps that I can be clinical about everything, right now. I'm ready for tomorrow to be done so I can have the closure I need, then it's on to the next big thing!

Needles, and scans, and biopsies, Oh My!

CD1 (previously known as 24dpo) my HCG was 21.


CD6 HCG was 90...that's about a 48 hour doubling time. Not so good since CD1 was the day I miscarried.


CD8 HCG was 114. It's not doubling, but it was still increasing. And for those of you following along at home my bleeding stopped about CD4 or 5.


CD10 HCG was 113.


CD11 and now I'm cramping and spotting.



I've got an endometrial biopsy schedule for this afternoon. I wish, at this point, they do a D&C and an ultrasound and let it be done. They just don't know what's going on. Ugh!!!



I received my common-thread bracelet! Yay! It's on and I'm wearing it with pride (and aprehension). I'll do a whole post on this one later, though. Today if I feel up to it.



And I realized that I'm angry with God. I guess there's no one else to be angry with, so why not. And it didn't help that at my church, this weekend, my pastor talked in tongues. Many of you may have opinions on this...I'm not sure what mine is. I'm a pretty big sceptic to begin with, throw in my anger at the man upstairs...you see where this is leading, I'm sure.



Anyway, I've got a ton of thoughts brewing my demented little mind right now. There is definitely more to come on all of these topics!!!

It's not fair

I'm sorry for my lack of originality, but I'm going to copy and paste the email that I sent to a friend.

"My betas are not going as planned. 24 dpo (cd1) HCG-21...29 dpo HCG-90. It's going the wrong way. And it's too low to be good. I had to have more blood today for another quant. I have to go to the hospital Sunday and Tuesday for repeats. Then I have to have an ultrasound on Wednesday. The doc is worried that it's ectopic. Why can't it just be over. I don't get a baby...so it should be over, now. It's just not fair. i just don't know what to do. i feel so...lost, out of control, sad, angry"

For those of you who haven't read my past posts, these numbers follow my miscarriage last Friday at 5 weeks 4 days. This is becoming a hellacious roller coaster. And I want off.

And if it's ectopic...my biggest fear is damaging a tube.

I think my couch and I will become even closer this weekend than I previously believed possible.

Realizations (cry for help)

Over the past few hours I've come to realize that I'm not dealing with this nearly as well as I thought. And boy does that mess with my head. I didn't realize I still possessed this ability to ignore my feelings. For some reason, I thought I had worked through this crappy coping method some years ago in therapy. Guess I was wrong!

So here's what tipped me off that I'm really just pushing this down, and not coping 1) IBS - oh yeah buddy! I got some seriously pissed off intestines right about now! I can't blame this on the food, anymore. b) I'm on the verge of tears 24-7. Yeah, I've actually been able to deny that this is related to my sadness, but today I had to admit that this is NOT related to any hormones lingering in my system ‡) I keep making really tasteless jokes at my expense and I have diarrhea of the mouth. I cannot shut up. And I have nothing to say...just blah blah blah blah to anyone who stands still too long. ¶ ) The thought of having sex repulses me. The thought of getting pregnant terrifies me. I feel as if my body has betrayed me (I'm broken) and why would my husband want to be intimate when my body kills babies. (I realize how illogical that statement is, but since I accidentally blurted it out to someone the other night, it permeates my every thought). ¼) I cannot focus for long. I have no desire to do my work or much of anything else if it involves removing my ass from my couch.

So right now I need some help. And not of the therapist variety. I really don't feel that I want to actually talk to anyone about this. I just want to move on. Ugh! So, if you have any advice, any articles/blogs/online reading you would suggest, anything that helped you...I'm open!

Again, thank you all so much for everything! I really do mean everything I've posted before this and really am as thankful for everything in my life that I do have. I'm just so mixed up right now. This sucks.

***CLARIFICATION***
When I say I don't want to "talk" I mean it literally. I have no desire to actually speak about this. I am tired of the topic escaping my lips. Blogging seems to be ok with my warped mind right now, but that's it. It irritates me that I'm even still having to deal with this. For some reason I expect others to grieve about something like this, but I feel like I should be ok with it all by now...that it shouldn't be a big deal to me anymore. Which, strangely enough, is not how I feel most people would/should react in my shoes. WTF??

This and That

I'm excited! A good friend from work is going to bring me some banana spiders! I know this sounds pretty odd/grotesque/nasty to many people, but this is wonderful! Living in the great state of SC and more over the Low Country of SC my yard is prone to bugs. (Anyone who lives here knows how much of an understatement that is). I have a ton of spiders all around my house, but they're small and hard to see, and put webs in every outdoor corner they can find (including in between my windows and their screens). In other words, I am constantly putting one part of my body or another through their webs. Yuk! So I look forward to my acquired banana spiders! They make large, strong webs and are non-aggressive so they rock!

On a not-so-excited note, I'm cramping. Not the oooh-oooh-this-might-be-implantation cramping, the stupid-af-bitch-is-coming cramping. I'm 9DPO today and she's due in 4 more days. Looks like she's coming right on time. I guess I'll be calling my OB/Gyn on Monday to see about our next step. From what I remember of our conversation on my last visit, it's on to an HSG. Yay. If the HSG comes back clear and free then it's on to Clo.mid or some other such egg inducing chemical. I was truly hoping that DH and I would be able to do this the fully natural way.

I'm not looking forward to really talking about this with anyone outside of my IF circle. They all want to tell me to have patience and all the crap that comes along with that statement. Their comments make me feel as if they are trying to lessen my issues or make them smaller. While my issues regarding my fertility may not be the biggest issues in the world, they are HUGE to me.

I'm also going to have to prepare myself for dealing with this through work. I know that I'm not going back to work the day I have the HSG. I haven't taken a full day off of work in the middle of the week since I started (excluding when my Granny died). I haven't spoken with them about the fact that I'm TTC. I DO NOT want to talk to them about it. They are insensitive as hell. I don't want to answer their questions. I don't want to hear their stories. But how do I take a day off of work without telling them something. I got away with missing time for ultrasounds by telling them the Doc was concerned about my irregular cycle. I don't think it will fly this time. And I'm the only "employee" in an office of three. There's not any anonymity. Or privacy.

On the upside...I managed to get an unused Clea.r Pla.n Eas.y Monitor on e.bay for a killer deal! I finally get to use it! I'm going to go buy the sticks for it as soon as AF makes her official entrance! I LOVE gadgets!!!! I especially love gadgets that remind me to use them!

So anyway, that's it for now! Thank you for putting up with my randomness!