Better

Thank you all so much for your support.  My pity party is now over (for the most part).  I know it's only Clomid and it's not that big of a deal.  I mean, come on!  I AM A CLOMID BABY!!!  This should give me hope.  I'm not ending anything, just beginning a slightly different part of my journey.  And I will walk into this with positive thoughts!  And if I end up doing IUIs, it's OK and I will be positive.  And if I end up doing IVF, it's OK and I will be positive.  This is the journey that I know is mine, and I will be positive!  I've even talked to my Mom and Sister about it (and didn't get the "just relax" like I usually get from my sister). 

The only hitch I'm running into right now is from my doctor.  I called the office yesterday to let them know CD1 should be here any day and to get my prescription and find out what their protocol was...no notes.  My doctor didn't make any notes in my file about Clomid.  Huh?  WTF was the HSG for?  "To make sure your tubes are clear before we start you on Clomid" was what I was originally told.  Luckily the doctor's nurse rocks.  So she's going to talk to the doc about it today and see what needs to be done.  (My doc is always so busy that this seems to be a norm for her.  The good thing is her nurse makes sure that things get done.  But don't get me wrong, my doctor is wonderful, just not 100% wonderful at multi-tasking.)  She'll get back to me today.

So anyone interested in my latest addiction?  I played the free on-line version for a while, but now I'm jumping in with both feet.  I ordered it yesterday!!!  Fate.  I LOVE it!  It should be here today!!!  Yay!!!!  So if I get a little quiet...I'm not wallowing in stupid self pity, I'm playing a game!

To fly or not to fly (with added dialogue)

That is the question. I'm terrified of flying. I have never done it and have always been of the mindset that if God wanted me to fly, I'd have wings. Now I'm faced with a situation (read: offer of a mini vacation and the possibility of conception). Here goes.

Mr. W will be out of town with work for two weeks in December. Right in the middle of those two weeks is when I will be ovulating and when we would be allowed to start trying again. I was pretty upset by that at first...but now an opportunity has been made available. I've been told by Mr. W, two of his co-workers/friends, and his boss that I should fly out.

I know about when I should be ovulating. I have a ton of vacation days available. My job has already told me that I just need to give them enough notice if I'm going to take time off. Why shouldn't I do this?

Here's why:

1. Even the thought of flying terrifies me. By terrify, I pretty much mean petrified with fear.
2. It will cost about $400 for the plane ticket. Although I know that's not that expensive, this is two weeks before Christmas that I'm talking about.
3. Seriously...have I mentioned how scared I am to fly?

So I'd really like some input from all of the wonderful people out in the blogosphere. What would you do?

Oh yeah...and I mentioned this to my bosses...and told them why I wanted to go(I'm over trying to be secretive about TTC). One's response was, "Why not wait until January?" My reply to her was, "Because that would mean that we wasted a month." Her response to that was, "So! You've got the rest of your life to have kids. Once you have them you have them forever." I chose to argue my family history of early menopause. Other boss said, "You might get so stressed out [due to flying] that you won't even drop an egg." My response to her was, "It's possible."

My Mantra?

Today at church the pastor talked about "Giant Slaying". We all have our Goliath that yells and taunts us daily. It's up to us to figure out what our Goliath is and to slay it.

Here were my thoughts during the sermon:

My Giants:
I am incomplete
I am broken
I am infertile

My Feelings:
anxiety
hurt/pain
anger

My Mantra:
I will not accept that I will never have a child. I will accept that it will not be easy for me. I will find peace in God; I will put God in my heart so I will have peace in my soul. God will be with me through this. God will take me through this. Regardless of where the journey leads.

My random thought:
How can I be a woman and a wife without bearing my husband, my man, a child?

My really really random though:
I am like my childhood closet. (now that really did stem from something the pastor said about realizing how are fears are not as big as they seem, i.e. being scared of the boogeyman in the closet as a child and your parents opening the cloest door to reveal nothing more than a dirty pile of socks. if you opened my closet when i was a child you would have been lucky to survive the avalance of crap that would have come out of it.)

I'm not sure where all of this is leading. I'm fighting through depression and confusion and can only hope that this will help me. I promise to post more on this as I manage to sort it out. I just wanted to put it out there, though.

I apologize for the randomness!!!