It's a family tradition

No, I'm not talking about drinking or rolling smokes. I'm talking about infertility.

Let's start with my Mom. Her and dear old Dad got married fresh out of high school. He joined the Navy then she joined him in Jacksonville, FL.  A year or so after they got married, and before they knew it they had my sister.

A little ways down the road, they wanted another (honestly my Mom wanted 10, but dad had some sense in his head).  Three losses  and 4 years after my sister, it wasn't happening.  My parents decided it was time to get some help, so they went to a specialist. From what they could figure, something wasn't working quite right with my Mom so they tried this newish drug called Clomid.  Let me tell you how freaked out my Mom was when she started her first round of Clomid and was then informed by her Mom that fraternal twins run in our family...she was convinced she was going to have a litter!

After round three of Clomid my Mom had another period but dutifully went back to try again.  After round four she heard those magical words from the doctor, "You're pregnant!" Come to find out, round three had worked and she was already two months pregnant with me...and my twin brother. :-)  Of course she didn't find out until much later that she was pregnant with twins and even then they were convinced it was identical twin boys.  Since I was born second, I really threw the room for a loop. Surprise! It's a girl!  My sister and I are 5 years apart in age.

[side note: When my Dad found out my Mom was pregnant and it was sticking he said he was getting a vasectomy. His reasoning was that he was not letting her go through this any more (harsh, but that's love). Her response? "I HOPE IT'S TWINS!"]

Now let's backtrack a little and talk about my Mom's Mom...Grandma.  I didn't find this out until my Grandma wasn't lucid enough to talk about it, but it seems she had fertility problems, too. Her and Grandpa got married right before he went off to boot camp (military men seem to be what the women in the family go for, huh?).  She got pregnant with my Aunt and her twin on his first leave...their honeymoon. She was devastated since she wasn't ready to be a mother (18) and her husband had just been shipped off for WWII.  Unfortunately my Aunt's twin didn't survive the pregnancy.

A little while later my grandparents decided they wanted to have another child. It didn't happen as easily as the first time and my grandma had to have "painful treatments" to conceive my Mom. She always told my Mom how hard they worked for her. I have no clue what sort of tests or treatments they had for IF in the late 40's early 50's but Grandma did something.  As far as losses go, I have no clue.  Besides my Aunt's twin, I don't know if Grandma had any other losses. This woman only talked about sex to try and terrify my Mom (then my sister, then me) of it. Pregnancy was something you didn't want, but would get if you kissed a boy (or rubbed against, or got naked in front of).  My Aunt & my Mom are 6 years apart in age.

So I guess you could say infertility and twins are a family tradition for us!

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I didn't know anything about my family's history if infertility until Tim and I started having issues getting pregnant.  When time kept going by and I kept talking about it to my Mom it came out. "You and your brother were conceived on Clomid."  Want to talk about jaw dropping?  I think I learned about my Mom's losses when I had my ectopic pregnancy.

Today Mom and I were talking about National Infertility Awareness Week.  We talked about our family's history of IF.  We talked about our shared history of losses.

Me: You, of all people, know what it feels like. You remember!
Her: I remember crying every month when my period would come. I remember wondering why my body was killing babies. I remember thinking, "Why ME?!?!?!"

Decades later, three children later, grandchildren later, a lifetime later she still feels the pain of Infertility and loss.  Even as I listen to my Clomid twins waking up from their nap, I still feel the pain of Infertility and loss.

Perfect Moment Monday

I wish I had a picture to go with this, but I don't. Oh well!  You'll have to picture it for yourself.

Tim, the boys, and I were driving back from Western NC/Eastern TN Thursday morning. He had both the boys in his truck (he missed them so much he wanted them to ride with him...works for me!).  We stopped in a parking lot so he could re-situate something in the back seat.  I could hear the boys "talking" but all I could see of them was Trip's feet swinging and kicking as he giggled about something his Daddy was doing.  It just kind of hit me how blessed I am and was all I could do to not jump out of my van and grab him out of his seat to smother him with kisses.

Definitely a perfect moment!

I Capture
Perfect Moments.

March 2010

Click here to view these pictures larger

Honesty today

Tim and I talked a little about TTC today. I think he's a little worried that I'm putting a ban on the baby factory that will never be lifted.  I'm not doing that...I don't think. But we were able to listen to each other and it was good.

For today we're not going to TTC.  We can revisit the topic in a couple of weeks (May 1 to be exact...since that will be the the last active pill of this pack).

What would Tim like?  If time and money weren't a factor he'd have as many kids as possible!  Since they are a factor he'd like to have one more.

What would I like? If time, money, and miscarriage weren't a factor? I'm in the same boat that he is.

But time, money, and miscarriage are all factors so we'll discuss this more beginning May 7.

What IF?

If you haven't read about what Mel & Resolve are up to, well...why not?  Have some tissue handy if you're going to read through the comments.

My what IF?  What IF I spend my childrens' hard earned childhood miscarrying their siblings?

I didn't even realize until I typed it, but this is one of the main reasons I'm hesitant about TTC again.  I AM terrified of losing another pregnancy. Yes, I have had a successful pregnancy (immensely successful if I do say so myself). I have also had unsuccessful pregnancies. Three of them, by my count. 1st one, no clue what happened...2nd one, ruled ectopic but barely missed being ruled chemical...3rd, triploidy natural miscarriage.  4 pregnancies, 4 outcomes, 1 positive, 3 negative.  Luckily it looks worse on paper than it is in real life, because I think we can all admit that 1 positive outcome is amazingly positive and gets better each day.

But do I want to risk the emotional and physical trauma of more losses? The pain isn't overwhelming now, but each loss dredges up the old pain and compounds it. My boys are young right now, but as they get older they'll see what Tim and I are going through. Do I want to do that to them? Do I want to do it to me or Tim?

Of course this is only one of the reasons I don't want to TTC right now, but it's definitely the most emotional and physical reason. The other reasons are purely time and money.

So what's your What IF?

Friday Night Leftovers

Head on over to Danifred's for what might be the last Friday Night Leftovers. (Boooo!!!)

• I am soooo glad to be home. The boys and I left last Thursday and the boys, Tim and I returned last night. Woo-hoo for having everyone home!


• I'm so proud of Tim for graduating from Non Commissioned Officers Academy.


• Trip was so traumatized by the days of travel and by being left with my Mom for 24 hours that I had to hold him until he screamed himself to sleep last night. Don't misunderstand, he LOVES my Mom & she's great with the kids, but he's been super clingy since Tim left and I think it was just too much that I left him for a night, too.  And this kid NEVER wants to be held when he's tired, he would much rather be in his bed.


• I really really don't want to finish unpacking and doing all the laundry. Boo!


• Tim asked me last week on the phone when I wanted to start TTC again.  I told him to not ask me while I was being left alone with two toddlers for six weeks...he would not like the answer.  I can't even answer the question right now.  I almost freaked out the other night when I couldn't find my new pack of birth control pills.  And I do mean freaked out...as in near panic attack.  Yeah, it'll be at least another month before I revisit the topic of TTC.


• The boys are at a really odd time right now.  And by "boys" I really mean Trip.  He is super clingy and emotional.  I'm super hesitant to take him out in public right now due to the fits he's pitching.  Honestly, if he'd been acting this way a couple of weeks ago, I would have never gone to Gatlinburg.


• Speaking of Gatlinburg, I took the boys, met up with Tim, and went there a couple of weeks ago.  This topic deserves its own post, but just in case I don't get to it, I got to meet some super wonderful bloggers!  Courtney at Connect the Dots (private blog, sorry) and Susan at Not a Fertile Myrtle.  They are both wonderful people and we had an amazing time! I only wish we all lived closer (and that Suzy & I had brought yarn & hooks & needles & had time to teach Courtney how to knit or crochet so she'd be as addicted as we are)!!!


• Oh yeah, during Tim's award and graduation ceremony I ended up sitting next to this guy.  It made me just a little nervous since I get a little stupid in public some times.  (yeah, yeah, yeah, I get stupid in private, too.)  He's a pretty important thing in Tim's world since he's his boss' boss or something like that.  He was really nice, though.  He drilled me about what the base can do to get spouses and families more involved.  I really didn't feel it was appropriate for me to tell him there really isn't anything he can do to get me involved. I'm just not a "military wife".  I'm married to a man in the military, but it's not our life.  I'm sure if we ever get stationed somewhere else or he gets deployed for more than 6 weeks our view will change, but as it is I live in Charleston and my husband works here, too.


• Did I mention how much I don't feel like unpacking?


• It seems there was a lot more I wanted to talk about on here, but it's gone, now.  I was reading but rarely commenting before all my travels over the past 6 weeks (the boys and I weren't home for about 1/2 of that) and now I'm planning on getting back into the reading AND commenting game.


• OK...yeah...now I'm just rambling. So I'll stop.


• Hopefully coming soon: a post about Gatlinburg and the sisterhood I found there & a Sock-It-To-Me post & a Blog-you-very-much post!!!

Happy Easter!