Hope and Faith

A couple of weeks back a new friend wrote a post about Hope and Faith. I had already been thinking about the whole issue, but her post put a little deeper in thought.

I have had issues with anxiety and depression since I can remember. I've been medicated off and on since I was 16. Now is an off time. This time I've done it properly and not just because I "forgot" or because I didn't want to. I'm TTC and we all know the meds would NOT be good for the baby. So now I've got this whole issue of anxiety and depression unchecked with added stress from TTC.

Now how, you may ask, does this have to do with Hope and Faith? I need peace. I need faith. I need to know that this is all the right thing. I need to feel that this will all be ok and will turn out the way I want it to (the way it's supposed to turn out). I need faith. I need peace.

Once upon a time, years ago, I got a message. I was singing at a church that I occasioned (I can't say I frequented it because I truly only occasioned it) and I felt a warmth wash over me. I felt peace and happiness. I also got a picture in my mind that God would one day bless my womb with a child. Please forgive the language for this one, but these are the only words to properly express how I felt. Until recently, I forgot this message.

Not too long ago I was reminded of this message. I was at my brother-in-law's baptism. When his pastor said a prayer, I felt the warmth again. I was reminded of this message. I want the message to be true. I believe that it will, but I need to find the place where I have to be to receive my gift.

I cannot bring a baby into this anxious depressed body and I'm not sure that a pregnancy would erase the issues. It might help, but would not erase them. I'm thinking that if I find my way back to that warm place, I might find the peace that I need. The peace that I need.

But I'm on my way! I've got good people praying for me. They think they're praying for a baby for me, but I know their prayers will work for it all.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm not some super religious preaching person...I'm just finding my religion. I'm finding the spiritual side that I need. And I think I'm going to enjoy the journey. I think it's the place I need to be.