Over the past few hours I've come to realize that I'm not dealing with this nearly as well as I thought. And boy does that mess with my head. I didn't realize I still possessed this ability to ignore my feelings. For some reason, I thought I had worked through this crappy coping method some years ago in therapy. Guess I was wrong!
So here's what tipped me off that I'm really just pushing this down, and not coping 1) IBS - oh yeah buddy! I got some seriously pissed off intestines right about now! I can't blame this on the food, anymore. b) I'm on the verge of tears 24-7. Yeah, I've actually been able to deny that this is related to my sadness, but today I had to admit that this is NOT related to any hormones lingering in my system ‡) I keep making really tasteless jokes at my expense and I have diarrhea of the mouth. I cannot shut up. And I have nothing to say...just blah blah blah blah to anyone who stands still too long. ¶ ) The thought of having sex repulses me. The thought of getting pregnant terrifies me. I feel as if my body has betrayed me (I'm broken) and why would my husband want to be intimate when my body kills babies. (I realize how illogical that statement is, but since I accidentally blurted it out to someone the other night, it permeates my every thought). ¼) I cannot focus for long. I have no desire to do my work or much of anything else if it involves removing my ass from my couch.
So right now I need some help. And not of the therapist variety. I really don't feel that I want to actually talk to anyone about this. I just want to move on. Ugh! So, if you have any advice, any articles/blogs/online reading you would suggest, anything that helped you...I'm open!
Again, thank you all so much for everything! I really do mean everything I've posted before this and really am as thankful for everything in my life that I do have. I'm just so mixed up right now. This sucks.
***CLARIFICATION***
When I say I don't want to "talk" I mean it literally. I have no desire to actually speak about this. I am tired of the topic escaping my lips. Blogging seems to be ok with my warped mind right now, but that's it. It irritates me that I'm even still having to deal with this. For some reason I expect others to grieve about something like this, but I feel like I should be ok with it all by now...that it shouldn't be a big deal to me anymore. Which, strangely enough, is not how I feel most people would/should react in my shoes. WTF??
10 comments:
i say if blogging is the best theropy ...blog away . get hte junk out of your head and into the www. I find it therapeutic to hit post. Ususally right after, I feel released. And if not, I continue to write about the same subject until I find some sort of resolve. Take care of you and I am thinking of you.
I cannot lie and say it gets any easier. I am still devastated about my loss last november. Its such a difficult thing to get over, but really the best thing I did for myself was get it all out and just allow myself to feel whatever I was feeling even if it wasn't pretty.
I remember going in for the betas to watch my levels fall. It was horrible. The people who had just congratulated me a week earlier wouldn't even look me in the eye. I just felt so broken. Its a hard thing, just know that everyone is here to support you in whatever way you need. There is no need to go through this alone.
i wish there was a way to make you feel better, but i think you are perfectly entitled to feel this way still. it hasn't been too long, and this was a loss of something that you have been waiting a long time for. blogging is a great release, but it can't take all the pain away. rent some sappy movies (w/o babies and/or pregnancy) and cry away. go get pampered at a spa. go out for drinks or sushi or coffee (things you couldn't indulge in if you were pregnant). my thing i do each month to prepare myself for another bfn is make a list of some good reasons to not be pregnant this month. i know it sounds stupid, but it helps me. i know a miscarriage is different because you need to grieve, but in time you will be ready to ~move on~. i will keep you in my prayers.
I'm so sorry. My experiences are mirroring yours almost exactly right now - I too was pg for 1 glorious week, then miscarried exactly as you described yours........that was 1 week ago yesterday.
I too am not dealing with it well - I just want to curl up and have the world leave me alone! Your blogging helps me if that is some small comfort to you? I just wanted to let you know that some of us are here with you in this dark place right now :o(
Sarah
What you're feeling is absolutely normal. And I agree with Fertilize Me -- if blogging is your way, then pour it out.
You're being too hard on yourself, expecting to not be upset. You're going to be upset for a long time. And when you think you finally have it under control, it'll come around the corner and suprise you.
Let yourself feel sad. Let yourself grieve. If you don't your body will find ways to do it for you. You don't have to talk about it if you don't want to, but you do need to give yourself permission to feel what you're feeling.
i agree with everyone else... keep blogging if that's a way for you to get your feelings out.
i tend to want to keep my emotions to myself as well, and i find it helps to cry when i'm alone... (well, bawl is really more like it). exercise is also a good stress-reliever. i hate to jog, but afterwards, i feel like i've exhausted all of the sadness and stress away... temporarily, at least.
I'm so sorry you're going through such a difficult time. I'm sorry for your loss. I agree with everyone else about the blogging. If it helps you to get it out here--blog away. Post multiple times a day if it helps. I also think what you're feeling is normal. And you posting about what you're feeling may be helping someone else.
I am so sorry you are going through this. It is pure hell and torture. I think we ignore our feelings sometimes because of our need for closure. We want to move on so badly that we rush and don't want to confront the fact that grieving takes time. Time is the only thing that has made me feel better about my losses. Not words but time.
Oh, and I have IBS too so I know how that sucks. I have the constipation variety so I get the lovely bloat too! Fun times.
I just don't think there are any short cuts to grieving. You need to grieve for as long as it takes. That doesn't mean you can't take breaks. One of the things that has worked for me is to imagine my "mommy part" as a separate person. (Ok, maybe it sounds crazy, but it has worked for me). I imagine my mommy part going to the very beautiful place (add lots of details here) and surround her with lots of loving people. Knowing that she is safe and well cared for, YOU get to take a much needed break.
That is just an idea. Take it or leave it.
I hope that you will be gentle with yourself. I wish I could suck all of your bad and sad feelings out of your head and toss them away forever.
Blogging/writing is the best therapy...even if you don't post it.
I'm not sure how I missed that you had this blog and I'm sorry that I have missed it these past couple of months.
My thoughts and prayers are with you. Don't be afraid to push for what you feel you need or is the best treatment for you. My experience has been that women know their bodies better than any doctor ever could and a good doctor will listen to you. I would stay away from chlomid for now until your natural hormones have calmed down a bit. You can read about my experience with chlomid on frogemama.
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