Yeah, in case you were wondering, this post isn't about the babies. Or at least not the little ones. All about me right now. (the boys are definitely part of the subject, but it really is all about me.)
These hormones suck ass. Major stinky ass. I spent the majority of the day yesterday crying. Why, you ask? Because I'm a bad Mom. Because I'm not producing enough milk for one child, let alone two. Because upping my intake means upping the times I pump. Because my nipples throb (not cracked or dry or even red, just sore as hell). Because my babies cry (yeah, I know they do that...but in my effed up mind it right now...). Because I'm tired. Because my dogs aren't getting enough attention. Because I want to do laundry. Because I don't have time to read blogs and/or comment. Because I marked 239 posts as "read". Because the sun is shining. Because the sun isn't shining. Get the point? And I really don't like to cry.
Everyone says breast feeding is hard and I've always figured it would be, but I didn't count low supply to be an issue. I know my Mom had it, but my sister had no problem. As it is, I wasn't even sure that my milk had come in until I missed a scheduled feeding + pumping and the next time I pumped I actually managed to get 80 cc's (total). I've never felt the sensation I've heard you feel when your milk "lets down". The girls have really let me down. I'm not sure how much longer I want to suffer through trying to give my boys breast milk. I mean, here's the schedule so far: nurse baby until he falls off or 30 minutes (lactation consultant said don't let him go more than 30 minutes per breast), begin nursing other baby while holding soothie in first baby's mouth, change both babies, give both babies supplemental bottles (thank you boppy!), love on babies until they fall asleep, pump, try to sleep a few minutes, begin cycle again. Do you see what I'm getting at? And if I really want to get any sleep, I have to cut out the pumping part.
I spoke to someone about it yesterday and they told me that if I cut out the supplemental bottles that the boys will sleep less and want to breast feed more and my supply will increase. I decided to give it a go. Neither child would go to sleep until I gave them at least a little supplement. No amount of nursing filled them up. Trip was actually awake for 5 hours. 5 effing hours the poor little guy suffered. And I couldn't nurse him anymore. He would turn towards me (regardless of who was holding him) and root and cry and break my heart. My babies were hungry and I couldn't help them. Even typing this is making me cry.
Well, as much as I want to go on and on about how shitty I feel right now, someone is getting fussy. Time to start the routine. And seriously, I'm not asking for sympathy or begging for a poor-amanda, but if anyone has any advice, I'm all ears!
9 comments:
I don' thave any advice. But I'm glad you're sharing. I want to bookmark this post, for when my boys come this spring.
I think its normal to feel this way at first.
I am SO nervous about getting adjusted to life with twin newborns, and to breastfeeding.
Breastfeeding is incredibly hard. I can't imagine how awful it is for you right now. It's been getting easier for me, so I hope you get the same soon.
My only advice is that it isn't quitting if you stop breastfeeding. Sometimes, it just doesn't work out and you might be a better mother with more sleep and less stress. Of course, if you want to keep trying, I'm all for that too. But don't think you have to keep going if it isn't working. Your babies will still love you and so will all of us.
Wish I could help in some way. All I can say is be kind to yourself and try not to put too much pressure on breastfeeding. Sure, it is great if you can do it, but your boys will do just fine if you can't and it doesn't mean you are any less of a mother.
(you'll probably have to remind me of this when I run into similar issues in the next week or two!)
you are not a bad mom .. there is nothing right or wrong in this arena as long as they are not left to fend for themselves. You are a GREAT mom for realizing something needs to change in a way to make life better for everyone
Hon, feel free to click on the breastfeeding section of my assivce for twins post. The link in is my right sidebar.
By the way, if you want to hear about LOW supply- my best pump ever was 5 mls.
If it comes to it, bottles are not evil hon,
Email me if you ever want to chat,
xx
J
Just want to lend some bloggy support and tell you to hang in there. Part of a parent's responsibility is to provide nourishment to their children, and you are doing just that (and doing a fantastic job). The only thing that I can add is promising that the haze of the newborn sleep/eat cycle does part after time, and things do get easier. Keep up the wonderful work that you are accomplishing with your little ones. :)
Email me, too, if you want.
I BF for 8 weeks and finally called it a day. It was waaaaay harder than I could have ever anticipated. And the first 2 weeks were the hardest.
If you want to call it a day and switch to formula, there's nothing wrong with that. But if you want to stick it out, I will tell you that it does get a bit easier after the first few weeks. They say it gets even easier after the first 8 weeks, but I couldn't say. Well, it did for me, but only because I switched to bottles.
Hang in there...
Oh, and to increase supply, try Fenugreek (3 capsules 3X per day) and warm compresses before feeding. I never felt that "letdown" feeling, either, but produced enough milk (eventually!) to provide for two big eaters. Kellymom.com is a good site for more BF advice.
I've breastfed a baby for 16 months and these two for 12 weeks now, and I don't know that I've ever felt that let down feeling. I guess not everyone does. I've always said that breastfeeding is probably the hardest thing I've ever done...not the whole time, but at first it's a nightmare. Try Fenugreek, try Mother's Milk tea, keep up the pumping...and soon the babies won't be sleeping so much. If you have to supplement...do it. Try to keep yourself feeling well. Email if you need to talk about it.
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