I went to visit my family and old friends this weekend. I had a really good time, aside from losing my voice again. It was very relaxing to hang out at my parents house and pretty much do nothing.
I've had a friend, we'll call her B, for about 12 years. B and I have always been on opposite ends of the personality spectrum. She's the most liberal person I've met; as time has passed, I've become more conservative. She's vegan; I'm a hard core carnivore. She's single raising an unplanned child; I'm married struggling through infertility. There are many more differences and until recently they have not affected our friendship.
Over the past few months, anytime I've needed to vent about almost anything, I've had to go elsewhere for support. I have not been able to talk to B about it. It's broken my heart, but what can I do. If I need to vent about Mr. W (I know, he's wonderful, but even perfection gets on your nerves some times), she retorts that at least I have someone. If I need to vent about all of the constant construction in my home, she retorts that at least we can afford to own a house and work on it. If I need to vent about anything, she has some sort of comment about how I should basically just suck it up.
Now don't get me wrong, I am supremely grateful for all of the wonderful things I have in my life. Especially for Mr. W and my family. I am lucky, and I am very aware of this. But does this mean I am not allowed to ever be unhappy? Am I not allowed to have bad days? Am I not allowed to get angry at my husband?
I've been trying to work past all of my feelings about her lack of support and was doing pretty good. But this weekend kind of sealed the bitter deal for me. I heard her say, many times, that I need to "relax". I need to see/read "The Secret". I need to put out my good energy and then I'll get pregnant. Give me a fucking break! I wasn't even asking for assvice. I was simply telling the woman that is supposed to be my best friend that Mr. W and I are trying to have a faith in God and nature for 3 more months, and that I'm excited about this. I'm doing my best to have faith and not plan for after March. And in retort I'm told that I'm too negative and that if I relax and watch a freaking movie that I'll be fine. Fuck you.
Why is it that the almost 3 years that Mr. W and I were screwing like rabbits, not using birth control of any sort, and not "wanting" a baby don't count? Neither my sister or B actually acknowledge that time. They still want to say, "relax and it will happen" as if those years weren't relaxing.
So now I guess I need to just put a little more positive energy out there and relax. Because as we all know that's how babies are made.
13 comments:
I am sorry but she doesn't sound like a friend to me and certainly not a best friend. Relaxing is way overrated and clearly not your issue. I'm sorry she said those things to you.
I think diana said it best so i will not try to paraphrase! but i do love ya
How supremely irritating. Relaxing does NOT make babies.
J
I had a friend that wasn't a friend. It took me years to realize it though.
It would be handy if relaxing would do it. My husband and I are planning to try drunk in the backseat of a car with a condom next. We think that might work.
How annoying, assvice at its most irritating.
Parting ways with a friend that has been 'familiar' for so long is so difficult. I am sorry that she doesn't seem more supportive, and unfortunately this is another example of the perpetual 'relax' advice that so many feel the need to give.
I hope your friend can start to be more caring and understanding and maybe just try listening for a change.
Ugh, if one more person tells me to read The (stupid freaking) Secret, I'm going to scream. My parents are convinced that it will help me get pregnant. I think they need to remove their heads from their asses. My mom also just told me the other day, that someone who went through infertility told me that I should just relax, it will happen. Thank you very much!!
That sucks. When a friend isn't being a friend. Maybe she's just in a bad place right now and she can't take in anyone else's anything. Maybe she'll grow out of it and you'll be able to have friend vent-sessions again. Until then, I hope you have someone else you can have this converstations with. It always helps to have a bitch buddy.
Thanks for the comment on my blog.
I not a fan of "The Secret", and the way people make these quick fix suggestions. It's fine for trying to accomplish things like getting a new job or some other accomplishment, but NOT for any real life situation (i.e. chronic health conditions).
It sounds like your friend is in a totally different time in her life which sucks because she cannot relate at all, or more accurately she doesn't WANT to relate. Your description makes it sound like she is wallowing in self pity for not having a signifant other.
I have a 'friend' like that, too. *Hugs*
Wait...you mean relaxing makes babies? I'll have to give it a try. Maybe it will turn my 60 day cycles into 28 day cycles!
That little tidbit of advice almost pisses me off as much as the whole, just get drunk line I keep getting.
Get a book called Infertility Sucks. It's a funny, sarcastic take on all this. The best part, though, is the retorts. There's a whole section about the dumb comments & questions we get and some pretty snappy answer.
My response when even my step-mom told me we need to relax? I've had plenty of relaxed sex in my life without getting pregnant, thanks.
Rude, probably. But I'm beyond caring at this point.
HA! Relax...that's great. Comments like that is why I can't discuss our infertility with anyone unless they themselves have dealt with it.
I'm guessing that your friend is actually jealous of you...sounds like, despite the infertility, your life is a fair shade better than hers. Since she's never dealt with the pain of IF, she probably doesn't get what you're so worked up over. Somehow people are so sympathetic when it comes to almost anything these days, but when it comes to this we get more assvice than anything...just relax...you can always adopt...stop trying and you'll get pregnant right away....GRR!!!
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