I've decided I don't want to ever try to get pregnant again. Even if this pregnancy doesn't make it, I don't want to get pregnant again. I can't function! I can barely take care of my children!!! I've already told Tim about this decision...he hasn't responded.
Tim took care of all of us this weekend. I was so grateful to have him off work Friday and home all weekend. He made sure we all ate and did his best to keep the boys from bouncing on me.
For the sake of honesty, I'll admit things here that I can't say outloud.
- I don't want to be pregnant.
- If I could transfer this pregnancy to someone else, I would.
- I'm terrified that I'll feel this way the entire pregnancy.
- How the hell am I going to take care of a newborn and two rambunctious toddlers??
- I can't stand being in my own skin right now.
I feel like a total waste of space and pretty much hate myself right now. What person in their right mind has these thoughts? I don't even want to be around my own children right now. WTH??
I'd appreciate any prayers or thoughts or chicken-dances or anything else you can offer up for me right now. My children need me and I need to be able to be there for them.
Also, if anyone has ever had any issues with severe anxiety in early pregnancy, I'd really like to know I'm not alone. Please.
Disclaimer: No, I don't want to hurt myself or anyone. Yes, I've talked to Tim about all of this. I have numbers to call if things get beyond my control.
10 comments:
Sending you big hugs and prayers sweetie. I wish I had some magical words, but just know you're in my thoughts. Hopefully Wednesday will offer a fix to get you feeling better. xoxo
I have had moments of sheer panic were I can completely understand your "I don't want to be pregnant" comment. I am assuming it is hormonal for me and I am hoping it will go away sooner than later. Hopefully telling your doc will help shed some light on this for you and give you some solutions. Big hugs to you. Pregnancy can be a bitch for some women and I hope things get getter for you asap.
I am certainly sending you all of the best thoughts and prayers I can possibly send. This is the way I felt after pregnancy. There was one morning in particular that I wanted to leave the house and leave my baby there. I could not take it anymore. To have to tell someone this, is HARD. But I got the help I needed.
You will be ok. I hate to be cliche and all, but I think it is due to the hormones. Maybe b/c of the past, you are very worried about the future (with every right to be). I would think this is additional stress to.
If you need something, email me. nbaker@beptax.com
I will certainly be thinking about you and hope it works out soon.
So sorry you are grappling with these emotions--I really hope things settle down emotionally for you. BTW, I did have some bad heart palpitations all through pregnancy, even went to cardio, and they told me it was normal to expect it. Not fun, though!
First, I am sending you love and prayers!
I have struggled with anxiety all my life and it wavers from manageable to completely out of control. Oddly, the only time in my life that my anxiety has completely been under control is when I've been pregnant. It's almost like my hormones finally figured things out.
I will tell you that I decided before Tot was born that I would continue taking anti-anxiety medication throughout my pregnancies. It was a decision that we heavily considered and we weighed the options for months. Ultimately, I was more worried that the stress and anxiety I endured would outweigh the negative side effects of medication. For us, it was the right decision. I took the minimum dose of Zoloft both times, and again, it kept me level.
I'm sorry you are having a tough time. I know I've been there and can empathize with you!
I hope the doctor can help you out in some way. There are safe meds you can take for anxiety, so maybe that would help. I had a moment (okay, it was a few months long moment) in my pregnancy with B that I was extremely anxious and frankly didn't want to be pregnant. I told Will my feelings and I basically got a "you're the one that wanted to be pregnant" response (which, btw, who tells men that that's an appropriate response to a hormonal woman?!). I hated myself for feeling anything less than excited and blessed b/c I knew I was very lucky.
The feelings backed off, although they crept in every once in awhile. I can't imagine the anxiety that comes along with already having 2 boys (well, 3 counting Tim). All I can say is to keep talking to Tim about how you feel, and really push your doctor to do something to help you out.
So with that, I'm sending hugs and prayers your way....oh yeah, and since I've been on a dancing kick lately how about....
**doing the chicken dance**
**followed by the running man**
**mashed potato**
**doing the twist**
**shakin' mah bootay while givin' you a sweet tea**
xoxo
Oh sweetie I'm so sorry. I wish there was something I could say to make all of this go away and you to feel better.
Hope you get some answers from the doc soon.
Lots and lots of love to you!
xoxoxoxo
Good for you for talking about your feelings. I'm sending lots of feel better vibes.
just hugs.
i hope wed goes well.
I totally understand. Please, get some help in one form or another. Your doctor should be able to help, whether in the form of meds or a recommendation for someone to talk to, or both. You are not alone and you are not abnormal for having these thoughts. You will get through this and you will feel better and come out the other side stronger. And if you have trouble believing me, repeat what I've just written replacing the "you" with "I" throughout.
Thinking about you and hoping things get better soon.
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