Of crazy thoughts

Thank you to everyone that has been praying for, thinking of, and supporting me. It means more than I can say.

The day after my OB appointment everything went to hell.  My anxiety was finally more than I could deal with. I wanted to die. I couldn't think of a way to kill myself that wouldn't leave my husband and children traumatized. I couldn't think of a way to kill myself that wouldn't ruin a room of the house for them. But I so badly wanted to end the hell I was living in my mind. If you've never experienced severe anxiety or depression I know this sounds crazy (and crazy is exactly what it was).

After a few hours of not finding a solution to my dilemma I called my therapist and my OB for help. They both agreed that I needed inpatient treatment and sent me to the local mental hospital for evaluation. After meeting with a staff member and answering 1,001 questions, they agreed. They said I'd probably be there 3 days.

To say this is the most terrifying thing I've ever done is putting it mild. All I knew to expect was the portrayals I've seen on TV. I even admitted to my therapist that I was scared they'd tie me to a bed and let me suffer until my meds kicked in since there's no immediately effective drugs I can take right now.

The whole experience was so surreal. I feel like any minute I'll wake up and this whole pregnancy and the myriad of issues it's brought with it will have never been.

My doctor at the hospital was wonderful. He upped my nausea medicine and added another one (which also helped me sleep). He added another medication to help ease the anxiety and also help me sleep. He then added another medication that would take a little longer to kick in but would help with the anxiety.

My social worker was a complete waste of time. She actually said to me, "Aren't you concerned about all the medicines you're taking affecting the baby?" I told her I trusted my doctor and that the meds are better than the alternative. When we realized all the phenergan I'd been taking was building up in my system and having a bad reacting, she said, "See. You don't need all those meds!" She also told me, "You have to figure out what triggered your anxiety. There's a good chance the meds won't help you and you'll have to just deal with this." She also wrote down an appointment with my doctor, but never scheduled it. She sucks. Big time.

Seven days later, I was allowed to go home. Seven days later I finally saw my children again.

So now I'm still dealing with hyperemesis. I haven't thrown up in a couple of days, but the nausea is always present and frequently overwhelming. I've also been diagnosed with hypothyroidism. I'm also having some issues with my blood pressure.

Right now I'm working on being able to take care of the boys again. Food is a near impossibility at the moment. Luckily Tim is off work until the 11th. And he's been doing an absolutely amazing job with the boys and the house!!!!

I have another appointment with my OB tomorrow. I'm sure they'll reassure me Thumper is OK. I'm truly excited about this pregnancy and am worried about what all this stress could have done.

Oh yeah. My MIL has been trying to convince Tim to bring the kids to her for a few weeks. Seriously lady? No freaking way!!! I may be crazy, but she's INSANE!