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I went to my appointment this morning to talk about whether or not I needed a D&C. I first began to cry when I handed Tim the ziploc bag containing our baby. I cried when I took the bag back. I cried after the nurse left us alone in the exam room. I told Tim how much the situation sucked. I told Tim no one should have to bring their baby into an office in a ziploc bag. "This is just fucked up."
The doctor we spoke with and the nurse that helped us were both so nice. The doctor didn't tell me anything new, but he did offer to test the "tissue" to try and see what went wrong. He agreed with my other doctor about this probably being something chromosomal. I asked him if they would be able to tell me sex of the baby...he seemed a little thrown by the question but bounced back quickly and said "Yes, they should be able to."
They checked out the "tissue" and confirmed it was the gestational sac. They then performed an ultrasound to make sure everything looked OK. It did. There was no need for a D&C.
I explained to my doctor that my greatest fear up to this morning was the D&C. Just in case I ever faced this situation again, I wanted to know how they performed the procedure in the office. An Ativan to relax, either Motrin or Tordol to ease the cramping, then a Lidocaine paracervical block. In other words I'd be 100% awake and would feel the majority of it (for reference, I'm taking Motrin and Darvocet to ease the pain of the cramps I already have). I'm truly glad I asked. This way if I do ever need a D&C I'll be prepared to demand something different than what they do in the office. The whole reason behind the need for a D&C is traumatic enough without having to be awake and actually feel the damned procedure. I'm floored that this seems to be standard for this office. Wow.
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Tim and I go back February 4 to make sure I'm doing OK and to get the report on our baby. I'm praying they're able to tell me the sex. I'm praying that if they don't find anything wrong with the baby that I don't then take on all the guilt.
3 comments:
This doctor sounds so much better than the last one you talked to. And I'm glad you did ask about their D&C procedure. I'm with you 100% - other arrangements would have to be made.
I was lucky - the OB, who I hadn't even had a chance to see before that day - walked into the room and, without saying a word, wrapped his arms around me and whispered "I'm so sorry". And I lost it all over again.
Shoot ... I still lose it sometimes when I think about that moment and how tender and sweet he was.
As for the guilt ... well ... I apologized to Patrick over and over and over. It took me a long time to come to terms with it truly not being my fault. I can't control a mutant enzyme or the outcome it caused.
And, if your baby is found to be normal, you'll feel guilty. You will. That's the honest to God truth. But you will eventually find the space to realize that it really isn't your fault.
Not a bit.
I hope that the test results give you what you are looking for. One of my greatest disappointments when we lost Gummy Bear is that the culture yielded no results. It doesn't sound as if your doctor believes that will be a concern, so hopefully, your lab has better processes that ours did.
I am sorry that the cramps are so bad and I hope you feel better soon.
Unfortunately, that may be the case. As much as it upset me to do it, I refrigerated the "tissue" (must say it that way to help me deal with it) as quickly as possible. The doctor said they should be able to test it. I'm concerned they won't be able to, but trying to not let it get to me. Don't worry about things you can't change, right? Right? Yeah...that's gonna happen! :-) As far as the lab, it should be one of the best in the state. I may not always like everything about my clinic, but it's attached to the best hospital in the state.
I've thought about you and your gummy bear a lot the past few days. I'm so glad you've got one miracle in hand and the other in the oven.
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