Do not pass go *updated again*

Or why-did-I-bother-to-schedule-an-ultrasound-for-Friday?  Well, because the doctor wouldn't let me schedule it sooner.  But now he may have to.

I started bleeding last night.  I called the on-call doc.  I went to the hospital (thank God they let me go to Labor & Delivery instead of torturing me with the worst ER in the world).  They couldn't find a heartbeat with their crappy machine.  I stopped bleeding.  My cervix is still completely closed.  Right now my technical diagnosis I believe is "threatened miscarriage".  The doctor said he thinks it's a missed-miscarriage, though.  (and you can actually switch the word miscarriage with abortion and that's how they worded it, but I can't do that.)  I'm supposed to call my OB's office this morning to schedule an ultrasound so they can confirm there is no heartbeat and go from there.

This really sucks.  And that's putting it mildly.  But I'm stuck in some sort of clinical thinking stage of grief or something.  I know when I really start feeling this it's going to bowl me over...I had a moment or two when the bleeding started yesterday that I really felt it...it wasn't pretty.  And I don't know how to help Tim.  Right now I keep saying horribly inappropriate things.  Poorly thought out sarcastic comments about my dead baby.  I know I've hurt his feelings already and have to think a little better about what I say.

His bosses want him to stay home to "be there" for me.  He needs to work to keep himself occupied.  He's super sensitive and is devastated, too.  They don't seem to understand that.  They all seem to think that he has to help me grieve, but doesn't need to grieve himself.  Of course if I need him for an appointment, or for any other reason, he's less than 5 minutes away and can leave work immediately.

Well, right now my mind is a cluster-fuck of thoughts and emotions and I really don't know where I was going with this anymore.  Thank you all so much for the love and support you've been giving me.  It really has helped.  Thank you. :)

It really sucks walking around and getting out of bed and doing other such mundane day to day things when you know you're doing it with a dead baby inside.

*update*

The nurse at my OB office was kind enough to schedule me for a followup ultrasound this morning at 11.  Tim and I both know they won't find a heartbeat, but we can't move forward until it's been confirmed.

I honestly just want to schedule a D&C and to try and begin the healing process.  I don't want a natural miscarriage.  I've already been told if I think I pass the baby, to save the tissue and bring it in...that's just a terrible thought.  The nurse said, "If you can save it, but you may pass it in the toilet".  The thought of flushing my baby...she saw my reaction and reminded me that at this point it's just a mass of cells.  I honestly appreciate her trying to make it easier for me, but no matter how logical I am about it the "mass of cells" had a heartbeat less than a week ago.

*second update*

They were easily able to confirm the lack of a heartbeat.  My little Nugget did try, though.  She'd grown a little before she couldn't do it any more.  That made Tim and I both smile a little.

I go Thursday to talk with the doctor that does the D&Cs.  They said something about preforming the procedure in the office?!?!  Aren't these things done under general anesthesia???  They're freaking insane if they think there is enough local anesthesia in the world for me to have this done in office.

I'm really having a hard time grieving right now.  Tim's trying to "be strong" for me.  In turn I'm trying to be strong for him.  Yeah, this is going to work.  I'm lucky I have so much support from all of you online and from my friends and family IRL.

This sucks.