I do not want to offend anyone. This post is angry and very graphic. Please be warned and understand that I do not post this to offend anyone. I post this because a) this is my place to get my feelings out and b) the information may one day help someone in my situation.
This is where my emotions are right now. Up, down, neutral, cold, hot...everywhere. I know I'm just going through stages of grief and dealing with this the way my mind knows how, but wow!
And at this moment I'm angry. I'm not angry with God like I was with my ectopic, and I'm grateful for that. I'm angry instead at not having the knowledge I was seeking available to me. I desperately wanted to know what I was looking for as I began to miscarry this baby.
All the medical personnel I've dealt with in the past few days kept telling me if I passed "the tissue" to save it and bring it in. First off, why do I need to bring it in? Would it have been too difficult to take an extra second and let me know that I'm supposed to bring it in so you can be sure I passed everything I should? You made sure I understood that if I couldn't bring it in that it was OK. One more minute of explanation would have left me with one less question in my poor confused mind...that would have been nice.
And what was I looking for?!?! A clot? A lump of grayish tissue? WHAT?!!? I've read descriptions online of what you can see with a miscarriage, but I'm pretty they were all further along that I was. I mean date wise I was 8w3d when we found out there was no heartbeat, but growth wise the baby was only 6w1d.
I searched my little fingers off online last night for a picture of what I could expect and guess what I found. If you guessed what I was looking for, you're wrong. If you guessed heartbreaking and graphic pictures of aborted babies at all stages of gestation, you'd be right. I'm all for pro-life, but you could you lighten up on the mislabeled pictures already?!?!?! I wanted to know what a 6 week miscarriage looked like, not a 22 week aborted baby! I really did not need that last night (or ever to be honest).
You'd really think with all the medical sites out there one would have a google-able picture of what the "products of conception" look like at 6 weeks. All the little cutesy diagrams of what-your-baby-looks-like at this stage are sweet when you're baby isn't dead. When you're wondering what you need to fish out of the toilet it doesn't help.
So if you haven't guessed by now, my body decided to take care of this "missed miscarriage" on it's own. On one hand I'm grateful that I don't need to stress about a D&C anymore (hopefully) but on the other hand...well...I didn't want to reach my hand into a toilet to rescue my miscarried baby from flushing. I didn't want there to be a need for it. But there was. And I did it without thinking about it...at that moment.
And for anyone who's reached this post trying to find out what a 6 week miscarriage looks like, read on for a description.
My 6 week miscarriage was a mostly transparent blob about 1" across. Of course it was initially covered in blood, but the part of it that was milky could be seen beneath the blood. It's honestly just what I thought a gestational sac would look like. Due to the milky part and the blood on it I'm unable to see if there is anything in it, but considering the baby was supposed to be about the size of a lentil I'm sure it's in there somewhere.
Something else I'd never like to do again, please God? I'd like to never again have to tell my husband I just miscarried our child. Holding your husband while he cries so hard his shoulders shake...not a high point of my life to say the least. Yeah. And twice in a lifetime is two times to many.
19 comments:
I've never understood why they ask you to bring in that stuff. I miscarried at 6 or 7 weeks (they never told me how far along I was so I have to guess) and instead of saying sorry or how are you they asked, "Did you bring in the tissue?" I was like WTF you wanted me to fish the stuff out of the toilet? I said no.
Later I asked another doctor (I left that other practice) and they explained it was to test to see if they could find out why it had happened. Okay. But they should really be more sensitive about it. This isn't a bunch of tissue to people, it's their baby, something they wanted and hoped for, so have a little heart, you know.
I'm sorry you had to deal with this and had to see those pictures that weren't helpful at all to you. I'd be angry too!
Amanda, I am so sorry. I actually have more to say on the insensitivity of the medical professional IN GENERAL when it comes to miscarriage, but this is not the time or place.
I am so sorry for everything that you've been through. I wish that no one had to EVER experience it, even once, let alone multiple times.
I just wanted to say thank you for including the information you did. I'm about 5-6 weeks with #2 and woke up bleeding and am worried. It's hard to know at this point what will happen, but if things do progress in this direction, it's helpful to have the details.
I'm so sorry for your loss. Bless you and your boys.
I am so sorry. Oh, so very sorry.
This was a very brave post to write, and I admire you immensely for writing it. It'll help someone in this awful position (unlike the doctors. ARGH, they are annoying with the briskly non-informative).
Hugs. Many many hugs.
Oh I'm so sorry for the medical crap you've gone through with this.
xoxoxo
I can't imagine how tough this was to write, much less go through. I am so incredibly sorry you had to go through this. Thinking of you!
I pray that you don't go through this and that you have some peace, soon. (((hugs)))
I'm so sorry. I've been there, and it sucks. At least the nurse at the hospital I called gave me some information. She told me to save anything I passed, so it could be tested to see what went wrong. The lack of information about miscarriage is stunning and disheartening.
So sorry.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. I wish there was something I could say to make it less painful. (((HUGS)))
here from LFCA
I hope the physical part of this is behind you. I know the emotional side of it will still be there.
I'm sorry you have to go through this. It really, really sucks. A lot. I hope you don't have to do a D&C on top of having to fish your baby out of the toilet. At least it was your own toilet?
I agree that people are too vague when they talk about miscarriage. I know it's uncomfortable to talk about, but it would help alleviate some of the distress of a miscarriage which is a whole lot worse than uncomfortable.
I don't know if this will help , but ...
I miscarried at 7 wks (I think you already know that) and the on-call dr told me the same thing - try to get some tissue if you can.
When I passed what I thought was a large clot, I dove into the toilet without thinking. And came up with the sac. And our baby floating in the middle of it.
I can still see it's little stub of beginners arms, the shape of the head, the way it seemed to be suspended in this sac of clear fluid.
I put it into a baggy and into my purse and we were at the OB's office before they opened.
And as painful as that was ... and as much as I wish to God I could get that image out of my mind ... I'm grateful I did it.
We now know it was a girl. And she was normal.
They need to explain why - why do we have to go through that on top of everything else we're going through when losing our children? Because there is a reason.
If I hadn't done it ... well ... I'd never know we lost a daughter (although it took me weeks to actually say "our daughter" out loud and I still, almost 3 yrs later, get pretty emotional) and that she was normal. Perfectly healthy. Which lead to my own MTHFR diagnosis.
I'm so sorry. And I'm so sorry the doctors didn't do their job. And I'm even more sorry that none of this is really going to make any of it any easier.
I found your blog from LFCA and I just wanted to say how sorry I am.
I'm so sorry sweetie. This breaks my heart all over again. I wish things didn't have to be like they are. Keeping you in prayers and sending big hugs. xo
Please, please don't apologize for posting anything you need to on your own blog. It's your space.
I am so glad you shared your story. It is very similar to what I went through just one week ago. I, too, passed a 6 -week sac and it looked just like you described. I remember going through the miscarriage wondering if I would miss it -- I kept examining my progesterone residue and blood clots wondering if that was it. When the sac finally passed, I knew what it was right away, and I remember thinking "there's no mistaking that."
My heart breaks for you and your loss. You are so right -- the hardest part is telling the husband, and seeing how it shakes him to the core. It's not something I would wish on my worst enemy, let alone a couple who wants so desperately to become a family.
I wish there was something I could do. Know that I will be thinking of you and holding you in my heart.
Hugs,
Jo
I am so so so sorry that you had to a) go through this and b) go through it in the manner that you have.
I am so farking sorry, Amanda.
I've been stuck with my head so very far up my own busy arse that I haven't had a chace to check in.
So devestated for you and wish I was close enough to do something useful.
xx
g
Oh bless your heart! I'm so, so sorry. It brings back such awful memories for me, when I had my miscarriage back in 2006. I was about the same point into my pregnancy when I lost it. The description of your husband brought back vivid images of my husband on his knees, at my feet (while I sat on the toilet losing our child) crying harder than any man I'd ever seen. We often forget just how emotionally involved our husbands are when they aren't the ones physically trying to get pregnant. Your post reminded me that not only am I suffering with IF, but so is my most awesome loving husband.
It is my wish that you can find peace again.
xxx - C*hirleen
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