The world is full of double standards. They're all over the place and cannot usually be avoided. But I never realized how full my own head was with them.
I'm full of double standards. They suck, but I don't know how to get around them. I don't even know why I put them there! And it had to be me, who else would be in my head? What am I screwing myself about? Grief.
For some reason I seem to feel that I have no right to grieve right now. I'm blessed with two beautiful children, a wonderful husband, the luxury to stay at home with my children, and so much more. Every time I start to get down about my recent miscarriage, I try to reason with myself. "Yes, you lost that baby, but look at what you've been given!" Really? Really, Amanda? WTH?
I would expect anyone out there that has suffered a loss to be heartbroken! Early loss, ectopic, first trimester loss, second loss, stillbirth, neonatal death, failed adoption, etc...I'd expect anyone to cry, rage, mourn their loss. But for some reason I won't allow myself.
I'd be the first one to say that grief can't be compared, yet I find myself comparing mine. I'm comparing what I'm going through to everyone's situations. She lost a parent. She is losing a husband. She's having her (insert number here) miscarriage. She doesn't have any children, yet. She is living a farce of a marriage. He is about marry for the wrong reasons...for the second time. Why do I do this?
My grief is MINE and mine ALONE. I'm heartbroken. I'm stuck waking up to the fact every morning that I'm no longer pregnant; there is no longer another life inside of me. I keep having the what-she-would-have-grow-up-to-do thoughts, and have to remind myself that she won't be anything...she's dead.
And I'm trying to grieve, but every time I do...every time I start to get misty eyed I go hug my boys. It makes me feel better, but it also keeps me from feeling my grief. How am I supposed to keep this from eating away at me if I won't let it out?
I've also raged and vented about how so many people try so hard to say the "right" thing and end up screwing it up royally. I don't know how many times I've said "the best thing to say is "I'm sorry" and "I'm praying for you" or "I'm thinking of you"." You know what I've caught myself saying when people have said I'm sorry? "It happens." WHAT??? Yes, it happens (duh), but why can't I just accept the condolences?
I want to stand on the mountain and scream at the skies, "WHY ME?!?!?" but then I think, "why anyone? why her? or her?" I even wrote that I didn't feel I deserved this pregnancy before I even found out it was doomed. ("I’ve already been blessed so much…why would I deserve any more?" But I do want more.
But I don't want more, I just want what I thought I was getting. I want my baby back. (and could I freaking shoot myself every time I think that? I get the stupid Chili's baby-back rib commercial stuck in my head every. freaking. time. and now I'm hungry and revolted at the same time.)
12 comments:
I'm sorry, I'm thinking of, and praying for you. You tke as much time as you need, it sucks beyond comprehension. xo
You have to allow yourself to grieve this loss. You aren't being fair to yourself by trying to minimize your loss and your pain.
Light a candle, remember the baby you lost, let yourself grieve. It will hurt and there will likely be tears. It is ok to let all of the emotion out. You lost a baby and it isn't fair. It doesn't matter that you have your boys, this isn't really about them. It is ok to grieve.
Is there any chance someone could take the boys for you for a night or something so you could cry it out and let yourself feel everything you need to? I am in no way suggesting that you can possibly ever grieve a loss in one night but it might be a start??
sending you hugs and keeping you all in my thoughts
I understand, especially with the pain olympics and grieving. Last week we lost our cat. OUR CAT. I mean come on, people have lost parents, children, entire countries have been devastated, and I am sad over a cat? So I haven't mourned her.
But it isn't about me. This is about you.
Yes, you have been blessed and incredibly so, but don't deny yourself the ability to mourn what could be. Your loss is a loss, and cannot be measured.
Sending you love.
Of course you should be sad over your cat!!! Most of us had our fur-babies before we had our children, they hold a VERY special place in our hearts.
In my completely screwed up head it's OK for me to still be sad that I gave my dog away...but I'm already supposed to be over my miscarriage. How's that for logical thinking!
Oh Girl...I'm so sorry. I am just now checking in, and my heart is breaking for you. I feel, like the other women, that you are being incredibly too hard on yourself! You have absolutely every right to be upset...and as many of us know, grieving doesn't just heal itself overnight. I can't imagine anyone expecting you to just "bounce back" after losing your child, so why do you feel that you should? I will be praying for you. I would say that the array of emotions you are feeling are perfectly normal, and much like my own experiences when I lost my babies.
I've thought the exact thoughts you're thinking right now. When I lost LG's twin I refused to let myself grieve at all, because...I was still pregnant, and I mean really, how could I be sad when most people who miscarry don't still have another baby in there. Then I sort of let it all out a few months after she was born and finally felt better about it. Fast forward to my second miscarriage when LG was almost 18 months old. I felt guilty grieving then because I already had a child..so and so had cancer...he or she were filing bankruptcy...she was in an abusive marriage...she can never have kids of her own...the list went on and on. I just felt like I shouldn't feel sorry for myself. Eventually, I just had to do a little grieving. Me grieving for my lost baby wasn't minimizing anyone else's problems. I think to really get past it, you have to just do what your heart is telling you to do. Hang in there; I am so, so sorry.
The hardest thing to do is be vulnerable. To let ourselves admit the fear and hurt.
Reminder yourself - repeatedly if need be - that your loss is NO less important than anyone else's, regardless of what their pain and loss is. You have a right - an absolute right - to grieve the loss of your baby.
I'm sitting here nodding my head over and over again in agreement.
You just said so much of what I feel like I've been living these past few weeks.
I hope you are able to do whatever it is that works for you to feel better, to grieve, to be angry, to do or say or feel whatever YOU need to feel!
Hugs to you :)
Doesn't matter a fig how lucky you are. It still hurts.
xx
g
(hugs) Your body, your emotions--Im so sorry for the loss sweetie--I know its tough to grieve when life just keeps moving on...
Sorry for the late reply on this but this powerful post really struck a nerve with me. Boy, can I relate to this! I just had a miscarriage two weeks ago and I have two children and I feel so guilty that I am so upset about the miscarriage. I think a loss is a loss, and we should just be kind to ourselves and let ourselves grieve.
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