What IF?

If you haven't read about what Mel & Resolve are up to, well...why not?  Have some tissue handy if you're going to read through the comments.

My what IF?  What IF I spend my childrens' hard earned childhood miscarrying their siblings?

I didn't even realize until I typed it, but this is one of the main reasons I'm hesitant about TTC again.  I AM terrified of losing another pregnancy. Yes, I have had a successful pregnancy (immensely successful if I do say so myself). I have also had unsuccessful pregnancies. Three of them, by my count. 1st one, no clue what happened...2nd one, ruled ectopic but barely missed being ruled chemical...3rd, triploidy natural miscarriage.  4 pregnancies, 4 outcomes, 1 positive, 3 negative.  Luckily it looks worse on paper than it is in real life, because I think we can all admit that 1 positive outcome is amazingly positive and gets better each day.

But do I want to risk the emotional and physical trauma of more losses? The pain isn't overwhelming now, but each loss dredges up the old pain and compounds it. My boys are young right now, but as they get older they'll see what Tim and I are going through. Do I want to do that to them? Do I want to do it to me or Tim?

Of course this is only one of the reasons I don't want to TTC right now, but it's definitely the most emotional and physical reason. The other reasons are purely time and money.

So what's your What IF?