Putting it out there.

****If you are NOT in a good place right now, please do not read****

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I'm pregnant. 6 weeks 3 days as I type this. I've suspected since it was too early to test and known since 13dpo.  I've battled with the horrible medical system on the Air Force Base and dealt with the OK medical system on the Navy Base.  My beta 14dpo was 67.7.  My beta 18dpo was 411.1.  I finally managed an ultrasound and the worst ER in Charleston (where the evil USAF made me go because the primary care physician was angry with me for arguing with him about whether or not you could diagnose an ectopic pregnancy at 4 weeks) and was told "the baby is in the uterus".  My first OB appointment is January 6.

I have missed the love and support of my bloggy and twitter buddies this past couple of weeks.  I wanted to tell you sooner, but didn't want to put it out there until after Christmas.  I still remember how rough this time of year is while still in the trenches and didn't want to make it any harder.

I'm scared right now.  I'm scared of things not working out.  I'm scared of not being able to do this.  I'm scared of miscarriage and loss and still birth and neonatal loss.  I've already been blessed so much...why would I deserve any more?

In the grand scheme of what-could-have-been getting pregnant, staying pregnant, and bringing home my boys was fairly easy.  Yeah, we tried for years.  Yeah, we had an ectopic loss.  Yeah, we had some testing.  Yeah, we tried Clomid.  But then I got pregnant with twins!  Yeah, I had hyperemesis.  Yeah, my pubic bone separated.  Yeah, we had a scare with polyhydraminos. But I got two perfect healthy beautiful little boys!

Tim and I decided to throw out the birth control right after his Dad's heart attack.  I'd run out while we were out-of-town and after much MUCH talking, we just wanted to let things take their course.  We both felt that another child in the house would be nice.  We also both felt that it would probably take a while.  We would only have sex if we felt like it, not because it was CD 12-17.  I would wait at least a year before I used any OPKs or my CBEFM.  We wouldn't move to treatments if things didn't happen on their own.  If I wasn't pregnant by my 35th birthday then Tim would get a vasectomy and that would be it.  And now here we are.

I'm sorry this post is so jumbled.  I'm a little bit nervous.  I completely understand if I lose some people over this (yeah, because I have this huge readership...HAHAHAHAHA).  I'm scared of hurting anyone.  I'm scared of having to un-tell this.

For the record~ I didn't know I was pregnant when I wrote the beginning of this post.