Instead, I wonder if you would have really been a boy or a girl (you were sick because two sperm fertilized one egg...a male sperm and a female sperm). I wonder if I would have seen your brothers' faces in yours or if you would have had your own uniqueness. I've made a ton of things for babies, but none for you. Your Daddy doesn't mention it often, but I know he thinks of you too.
I'm so grateful I got to see your little heart beating that one time. I know you fought and tried to survive, but genetics were against you.
So today I sit here missing you just a little more than I did yesterday and probably a little more than I will tomorrow.
********************
The doctor told me my baby was a little boy, but it's never stuck in my mind. From the time I found out I was pregnant, I was convinced it was a little girl. When the doctor read the genetics report, they told me two sperm had fertilized one egg causing him to have an extra set of DNA. 3 of those genes were sex genes and those were XXY. That means the egg was fertilized by one male sperm and one female sperm. That means if only one sperm had fertilized the egg, it could have been a girl. Since that day it's stuck with me that I lost the possibility of having a healthy baby girl.
The other night as I lay in bed thinking about it all, I just went with what the doctor said. I'd lost a baby boy. It hit me. I will never hold that little boy in my arms. I will never learn how he needs to be burped. I'll never know if he likes a pacifier or not. I'll never get to figure out where his tickle spots are or if he likes his bath. There is so much I'll never get to know about that little boy. And that hurts even more than the loss of the possibility of that healthy girl. Because I've held my beautiful boys in my arms and I know how amazing that first time was.
So now I'm finally mourning the little boy I lost. Having three boys would have been so wonderful.
18 comments:
Here from LFCA and just wanted to say I'm so sorry about the loss of your baby boy. Hugs to you today.
Thinking about you today.
Sending you so much love today. xoxo
I totally understand and I am thinking of you today.
Sending loving thoughts your way today and hoping you find peace. I love you, lady. I'm sorry for this day b/c of what it means. (((hugs)))
So sorry. I am thinking of you today and sending lots of love.
I lost my twin boys in January. I am so sorry for your loss. I found after passing their due date I felt more at peace. I hope it is that way for you. I am so sorry for your loss.
I'm sorry.
Thinking of you and sending love your way!
Thinking of you and your little boy. I hope that today is a peaceful day of remembering for you and your family.
Sending you good thoughts, and warm wishes today. Thinking of you.
I never realised how much parents of angels think about their babies,I have never had a loss and I really feel for you and the other mothers of angels. Hugs
Sending you much love my friend. May your heart heal with the passing of this day and future joy spring forth.
xxx
I am so sorry. I still pause with respect for the due date of my first loss. He would have been 8 years old this year. I'm so, so sorry.
Hugs.
Sending you lots of good thoughts and love.
Hugs
Honey, I am so very sorry. Having healthy children makes me feel greedy wanting more and losing a wanted one....so hard.
Thinking of you.
G
my "due date" is september 14th...i'm not looking forward to that day at all. it took us 13 cycles to have mary margaret. 7 more cycles to get pregnant just to miscarry. and now 9 more cycles and still not pregnant. it hurts.
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