What would you do if you thought your husband had a crush on someone he worked with? You don't think he's having an affair, you think it's just a crush. What would you do?
And no, this isn't hypothetical for me and I'm working on how I feel about my suspicion.
16 comments:
Honestly, I wouldn't handle it well. I've never been put in a situation like that personally with a boyfriend or my husband, but I just KNOW I would be kind of pissed.
There was a time I had a suspicion ... not that he was cheating, but that he could be slipping in that direction.
I confronted him about it.
I asked flat out - is there something I need to know? Do I have a reason to worry?
And I told him why I felt the way I did. Considering this was a long-time friend of his, I was worried the already emotional connection they had was turning into something else.
And I asked him what he needed from me - more attention? more understanding? more interest in his day and his hobbies?
It's sometimes hard for me to remember that as much as I want and need him to show interest in what I do, he wants and needs the same thing from me.
It wasn't easy. As simple as those small paragraphs seem, it - was - not - easy to talk to him about it.
But that's what I did. It's not for everyone, I know. But I couldn't continue to let my worries fester and hope they'd go away. That seemed, to me, to be worse than finding out for sure.
And although nothing had happened and we had several good discussions about it, it still took several months for me to relax again.
I don't know. I think I'd talk to him about it instead of stressing.
I'll delurk to say I've been there. My advice to you is to trust your gut. Talk to him and even if he denies it, keep your ears and eyes wide open. There is such a thing as an emotional affair. Which for me was worse because it involved his heart, not his body. If that makes any sense. Our problem was that we had drifted apart, I was busy raising kids, he was feeling left out and this broad at work became his "buddy". There's no doubt in my mind that she had hopes that he would leave me but honestly I don't think that ever really entered his mind he was just getting off on all the attention she gave him and all the ego stroking she did. He of course denied that there was anything but a friendship there but I think they were on the slippery slope to more than that and I'm glad I caught on in time to put the brakes on. I was able to get him to agree to going to counseling with me and 6 months later we were back on track.
I hope you're not right about your husband but if you have any doubts do whatever you have to do to either realize you're wrong or find out the truth. Don't let it drive you crazy.
Honestly, I'm a confronter. I'd bring it up during a time that nothing could interrupt the conversation. And I'd try to say it in a way that invites him to answer truthfully. Though I don't know how successful I'd be to keep calm and neutral.
I would have to talk to him about it. I feel like when you go looking for answers on your own, you have the ability to interpret things entirely wrong (almost like you are reaffirming your doubts). I don't think it will be easy to do, but I would definitely have a talk.
Totally off topic, I wanted to say how on earth do you do it girl? Mother to twins? My first week as a mom was so hard, and I only had one son. I have to give you kudos for having twins, and it looks like you are doing a fabulous job as a mom.
I'd ask him about it, but in a friendly way, because communication is always best, and really, we're human - how can we go the rest of our lives without forming a connection with a person here or there? Since I got married I think I've had 2 crushes, and both times my husband's teased me about them, because there's trust there. During the teasing though we also have honest conversations that hey, there's nothing to worry about right? And the answer is always nope, nothing, I just think that guy's cute. And then eventually, that fades, and I'm done again. During my 2 crushes it's not like my love for my husband dimmed at all either.
I love my husband more than anything on earth, and I despise cheaters more than that, so I personally would never act on it. But sometimes, someone else just makes you feel a little good about yourself again, or sparks something in you. Just because you look doesn't mean you'd ever touch.
My husband always says that he doesn't care where I get my appetite, as long as I eat at home;-)
(But if you ever need me to, I am SO here to cut a bitch for you.)
Well, I'd cut a bitch.
But it might be better and healthier if you asked him about it. It happens and it doesn't mean anything, but if he knows you're concerned, he'll probably do a better job of policing his feelings.
I'd be seriously pissed off. Especially, as I've just read your last two posts in a row, sweetheart! That evil Zoloft, I was on it for a while, at the beginning it was terrible.
Mate I hope your hubbie smartens the hell up. This is the LAST thing you need. My hubbie used to have this habit of attracting all these women to him who were attracted to him. Drove me WILD. Cocksucker.
It doesn't happen so much anymore ... well, at all. Coz he wasn't attractive, all bald and cancer ridden, heh.
(Yes I just joked about it, but I'm allowed, right?)
I hope it goes ok ... Amanda I am here, or on Facebook, if you need to "talk." It's my turn to reach out and support others, I have been so supported for so long now.
XOXOXOXOX
I'd have to talk to him about it. But in a very non-assuming sort of way... I've made that mistake already. Last summer when j was finishing up his last college classes, there was this girl he had 2 classes with and they got to be friends I guess you'd call it. But she wanted him to get her a job at his company and they'd exchanged email and phone numbers. Well I'd gotten into his email to get a credit card statement and saw allllll these emails from her. And instantly lost my shit. I mean they were pretty innocent I guess, but there were so many of them. She did make comments about wanting to hang out with him and it was completely over the line on her part. I finally asked j about it and he reassured me that he thought she was a bit crazy but he was trying to be nice to her so he could get her this job and then get the hiring bonus. But he was mad that I was "checking up on him". So needless to say all was well but I didn't handle it too well. I would have a conversation with him, but just let him know you're not accusing him but you don't feel comfortable with the situation. I'll be thinking of you. *hugs*
Think its been summed up well by the others - you know I'm here for you. I'll drive up and help Io cut a bitch and beat up Mr W if need be
You have gotten a lot of good advice here, so I don't know that I can add much. I had a crush on one of the OBs in my practice, and my husband just teased me about it. We both knew (esp in my hugely pregnant state) that nothing would come of it. I can't say I would be as light-hearted about it as he was, but I think women (esp moms of twins, relatively post partum) tend to be a bit more insecure.
I would tread lightly...you don't want to actually push him in the direction you don't want him to go.
Ugh. And I'm sure the ppd is ~not~ helping right now.
I totally agree with chicklet's response. Honestly, if my husband would admit to it, I would feel SO much better. I've had my crushes too and I know they can be completely harmless.
Oh girl....I'm so sorry you even have to deal with this. I would totally kick someone's butt for you if need be. But I'm a wimp, so just know if I ever did kick someone's butt... I would certainly do it for you! I hope things work out okay. I would likely ask my husband what's up...but that's just me. Whatever you do, I support you 100% of the way!
great advice from all of the above. if you think it's just a crush, i would try to keep the conversation relatively light... not accusatory. we're all guilty of the occasional crush (or daydream) no matter how wonderful our partners are.
i would focus on how you feel. let him know that maybe you're feeling a little insecure right now, and that sometimes you worry that he's going to notice some other cute chick while you're busy with the boys... for example, Ms. X.
i actually had a similar conversation with mil this morning... not about someone in particular, but about me feeling less attractive now that i'm more rotund (and cumbersome... and tired). good luck!!
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