PPD...and I'm not talking about tuberculosis testing

I have postpartum depression.

"Postpartum depression can begin anytime within the first year after childbirth."  This is probably one of the most satisfying statements that I've heard or read in the last week.  I was having thoughts that I just wasn't cut out for motherhood.  I had thoughts that I was incompetent.  I had thoughts that my relationship (not my marriage, just the relationship between my husband and I), wasn't working.  I thought my children cried all the time.  I was becoming miserable.  I couldn't stop crying.  And it turns out that none of these thoughts were true, I have postpartum depression.

It hit me when the boys weren't screaming their heads off were in the backseat sleeping and I was driving to the store that my crying wasn't because the boys were always crying.  They boys weren't crying as much as it seemed.  My emotions are just out of check.  I also realized that as much as I love (more than my own life) my children, I didn't want to be around them.*  I wanted to curl up in bed and just sleep.  Or just shop.

I sent out a mass text for help and got quick responses that no, 11 weeks postpartum is not too late for PPD.  There's nothing "wrong" with me, I just need a little help.  I called my doctor the next morning and saw them a couple of hours later.

I'm now on Zoloft.  I should say I'm back on Zoloft since I've been on it in the past.  I have a history of depression & anxiety so am pretty familiar with it.  I am also waiting on a call from the counselor to set up appointments. 

I had a few great conversations with Mr. W to let him know what I needed from him to help me through this.  He has definitely stepped up to the plate.  He's even reminding me that he's trying to help when I try to refuse (this is part of my problem). 

I'm having a few issues with the medicine causing a little big of anxiety in the earlier part of the day, but I'm pretty sure that will wear off within a week or two.  So I'm on my way to working through all of this.

*******************************************

The Zoloft was a bust.  The first morning after taking it I began getting anxious.  Every day was worse than the one before.  A few days later I decided to quit taking it and had my first panic attack in years that night.  No way Jose!  Depression is something I can actually function with.  Anxiety is debilitating to me.  Absolutely find-me-in-corner-shaking-and-sobbing debilitating.  Now that it's been a few days since my last pill I'm beginning to feel a bit better.  I still wake up with the urge to vomit, but it's subsiding.  I'm going to try Prozac, now.  (any suggestions on what meds worked for anyone are welcome)

Upon the urging of my husband, The boys are now on a two hour feeding schedule.  I thought this would make my days worse, but it really hasn't.  It's made life much easier for me and for them, I think.  Trip would begin to get fussy about two hours after his bottle and would only eat a little each feeding, now that's stopped.  He downs 3 oz every two hours.  They boys wouldn't nap during the day very much, now that's stopped.  They cat-nap throughout the day.  We have an excellent schedule of eat, play on mat, tummy time on blanket, bouncy time/nap time and begin again. 

I'm working on my relationship with the Mr.  He's been super supportive and loving, but I need to remember to reciprocate.  This has been a huge change for him, beginning almost a year ago.  We need to find our new normal and our new happy places.  He has some projects that he wants to work on (rebuilding a classic car he bought when we were dating & building a garage) so we've got to figure out how to give him time to do this without me being left to care for the boys alone all weekend.  I'm sure we'll eventually find a rhythm.

OK, I've been a bit all over the place in this post and don't have a real way to wrap it up, so I'll just stop here.  Thank you for being so patient with my sporadic reading and commenting.  I'm working on that, too.  :-)