Show & Tell: Accessories

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I wasn't sure what I wanted to show and tell about this week, but this morning Trip gave me some inspiration. This child LOVES hats and shoes and accessories!

He's hiding!

Can you tell what he's wearing as a "hat" today?

And what about that "backpack" he has on?

And now he's done with it all and it's back to basic pajamas.

In case you couldn't' quite figure it out, he had a clean diaper on his head and a baby carrier on his back.  This morning he pulled a bunch of stuff out of the bassinet I still have in their room and found this baby carrier we used once. He came down the stairs with it around his neck...he was so proud he'd managed to get it on! The diaper is actually something he put on his head yesterday that I pulled back out to finish his costume. He walked around for a good 5 minutes tickled pink with his outfit grinning at the camera and saying, "cseeeeeesssseee" (there is no "ch" sound in cheese, just a "cs" sound).

I'm still trying to get a picture of him with his bucket hat and his Daddy's boots on. That seems to be his favorite outfit!

Now head on over to Suzy's and see who else is playing along!

Not this time

Today was your estimated due date. If life had been fair I'd be holding you in my arms right now. I'd be figuring out how to juggle you and your brothers. Your Mammaw and Granddaddy would be fawning all over you and spoiling your brothers and me and your Daddy. I'd have you dressed in all sorts of handmade goodies that I would have been working on for the past 9 months. Today was supposed to be our day.

Instead, I wonder if you would have really been a boy or a girl (you were sick because two sperm fertilized one egg...a male sperm and a female sperm). I wonder if I would have seen your brothers' faces in yours or if you would have had your own uniqueness. I've made a ton of things for babies, but none for you. Your Daddy doesn't mention it often, but I know he thinks of you too.

I'm so grateful I got to see your little heart beating that one time. I know you fought and tried to survive, but genetics were against you.

So today I sit here missing you just a little more than I did yesterday and probably a little more than I will tomorrow.

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The doctor told me my baby was a little boy, but it's never stuck in my mind. From the time I found out I was pregnant, I was convinced it was a little girl. When the doctor read the genetics report, they told me two sperm had fertilized one egg causing him to have an extra set of DNA. 3 of those genes were sex genes and those were XXY. That means the egg was fertilized by one male sperm and one female sperm. That means if only one sperm had fertilized the egg, it could have been a girl. Since that day it's stuck with me that I lost the possibility of having a healthy baby girl.

The other night as I lay in bed thinking about it all, I just went with what the doctor said. I'd lost a baby boy. It hit me. I will never hold that little boy in my arms. I will never learn how he needs to be burped. I'll never know if he likes a pacifier or not. I'll never get to figure out where his tickle spots are or if he likes his bath. There is so much I'll never get to know about that little boy. And that hurts even more than the loss of the possibility of that healthy girl. Because I've held my beautiful boys in my arms and I know how amazing that first time was.

So now I'm finally mourning the little boy I lost. Having three boys would have been so wonderful.