all over the place (angry and graphic, be warned)

I do not want to offend anyone.  This post is angry and very graphic.  Please be warned and understand that I do not post this to offend anyone.  I post this because a) this is my place to get my feelings out and b) the information may one day help someone in my situation.

This is where my emotions are right now.  Up, down, neutral, cold, hot...everywhere.  I know I'm just going through stages of grief and dealing with this the way my mind knows how, but wow!

And at this moment I'm angry.  I'm not angry with God like I was with my ectopic, and I'm grateful for that.  I'm angry instead at not having the knowledge I was seeking available to me.  I desperately wanted to know what I was looking for as I began to miscarry this baby.

All the medical personnel I've dealt with in the past few days kept telling me if I passed "the tissue" to save it and bring it in.  First off, why do I need to bring it in?  Would it have been too difficult to take an extra second and let me know that I'm supposed to bring it in so you can be sure I passed everything I should?  You made sure I understood that if I couldn't bring it in that it was OK.  One more minute of explanation would have left me with one less question in my poor confused mind...that would have been nice.

And what was I looking for?!?!  A clot?  A lump of grayish tissue?  WHAT?!!?  I've read descriptions online of what you can see with a miscarriage, but I'm pretty they were all further along that I was.  I mean date wise I was 8w3d when we found out there was no heartbeat, but growth wise the baby was only 6w1d.

I searched my little fingers off online last night for a picture of what I could expect and guess what I found.  If you guessed what I was looking for, you're wrong.  If you guessed heartbreaking and graphic pictures of aborted babies at all stages of gestation, you'd be right.  I'm all for pro-life, but you could you lighten up on the mislabeled pictures already?!?!?!  I wanted to know what a 6 week miscarriage looked like, not a 22 week aborted baby!  I really did not need that last night (or ever to be honest).

You'd really think with all the medical sites out there one would have a google-able picture of what the "products of conception" look like at 6 weeks.  All the little cutesy diagrams of what-your-baby-looks-like at this stage are sweet when you're baby isn't dead.  When you're wondering what you need to fish out of the toilet it doesn't help.

So if you haven't guessed by now, my body decided to take care of this "missed miscarriage" on it's own.  On one hand I'm grateful that I don't need to stress about a D&C anymore (hopefully) but on the other hand...well...I didn't want to reach my hand into a toilet to rescue my miscarried baby from flushing.  I didn't want there to be a need for it.  But there was.  And I did it without thinking about it...at that moment.

And for anyone who's reached this post trying to find out what a 6 week miscarriage looks like, read on for a description.

Do not pass go *updated again*

Or why-did-I-bother-to-schedule-an-ultrasound-for-Friday?  Well, because the doctor wouldn't let me schedule it sooner.  But now he may have to.

I started bleeding last night.  I called the on-call doc.  I went to the hospital (thank God they let me go to Labor & Delivery instead of torturing me with the worst ER in the world).  They couldn't find a heartbeat with their crappy machine.  I stopped bleeding.  My cervix is still completely closed.  Right now my technical diagnosis I believe is "threatened miscarriage".  The doctor said he thinks it's a missed-miscarriage, though.  (and you can actually switch the word miscarriage with abortion and that's how they worded it, but I can't do that.)  I'm supposed to call my OB's office this morning to schedule an ultrasound so they can confirm there is no heartbeat and go from there.

This really sucks.  And that's putting it mildly.  But I'm stuck in some sort of clinical thinking stage of grief or something.  I know when I really start feeling this it's going to bowl me over...I had a moment or two when the bleeding started yesterday that I really felt it...it wasn't pretty.  And I don't know how to help Tim.  Right now I keep saying horribly inappropriate things.  Poorly thought out sarcastic comments about my dead baby.  I know I've hurt his feelings already and have to think a little better about what I say.

His bosses want him to stay home to "be there" for me.  He needs to work to keep himself occupied.  He's super sensitive and is devastated, too.  They don't seem to understand that.  They all seem to think that he has to help me grieve, but doesn't need to grieve himself.  Of course if I need him for an appointment, or for any other reason, he's less than 5 minutes away and can leave work immediately.

Well, right now my mind is a cluster-fuck of thoughts and emotions and I really don't know where I was going with this anymore.  Thank you all so much for the love and support you've been giving me.  It really has helped.  Thank you. :)

It really sucks walking around and getting out of bed and doing other such mundane day to day things when you know you're doing it with a dead baby inside.

*update*

The nurse at my OB office was kind enough to schedule me for a followup ultrasound this morning at 11.  Tim and I both know they won't find a heartbeat, but we can't move forward until it's been confirmed.

I honestly just want to schedule a D&C and to try and begin the healing process.  I don't want a natural miscarriage.  I've already been told if I think I pass the baby, to save the tissue and bring it in...that's just a terrible thought.  The nurse said, "If you can save it, but you may pass it in the toilet".  The thought of flushing my baby...she saw my reaction and reminded me that at this point it's just a mass of cells.  I honestly appreciate her trying to make it easier for me, but no matter how logical I am about it the "mass of cells" had a heartbeat less than a week ago.

*second update*

They were easily able to confirm the lack of a heartbeat.  My little Nugget did try, though.  She'd grown a little before she couldn't do it any more.  That made Tim and I both smile a little.

I go Thursday to talk with the doctor that does the D&Cs.  They said something about preforming the procedure in the office?!?!  Aren't these things done under general anesthesia???  They're freaking insane if they think there is enough local anesthesia in the world for me to have this done in office.

I'm really having a hard time grieving right now.  Tim's trying to "be strong" for me.  In turn I'm trying to be strong for him.  Yeah, this is going to work.  I'm lucky I have so much support from all of you online and from my friends and family IRL.

This sucks.