My Mantra?

Today at church the pastor talked about "Giant Slaying". We all have our Goliath that yells and taunts us daily. It's up to us to figure out what our Goliath is and to slay it.

Here were my thoughts during the sermon:

My Giants:
I am incomplete
I am broken
I am infertile

My Feelings:
anxiety
hurt/pain
anger

My Mantra:
I will not accept that I will never have a child. I will accept that it will not be easy for me. I will find peace in God; I will put God in my heart so I will have peace in my soul. God will be with me through this. God will take me through this. Regardless of where the journey leads.

My random thought:
How can I be a woman and a wife without bearing my husband, my man, a child?

My really really random though:
I am like my childhood closet. (now that really did stem from something the pastor said about realizing how are fears are not as big as they seem, i.e. being scared of the boogeyman in the closet as a child and your parents opening the cloest door to reveal nothing more than a dirty pile of socks. if you opened my closet when i was a child you would have been lucky to survive the avalance of crap that would have come out of it.)

I'm not sure where all of this is leading. I'm fighting through depression and confusion and can only hope that this will help me. I promise to post more on this as I manage to sort it out. I just wanted to put it out there, though.

I apologize for the randomness!!!

Just one of those things

So I finally had one of those reactions. All my IF friends know what I'm talking about. The life-isn't-fair-why-is-it-easy-for-them-kicking-screaming-crying moment.

My mom called today to let me know that my evil SIL was going to the hospital in the morning. "She didn't know" that she was pregnant and only found out because of some serious abdominal pain that sent her to the hospital. A urine test showed positive for pregnancy, but the US showed nothing in the right places. So now they think it's ectopic. She has to go in the morning to have "uterus scrapings" and to see if it's in her tubes. If so they'll have to remove it.

I cried. And cried. And I'm ready to cry right now. I'm an evil horrible insensitive bitch...but why can she and my loser brother have babies without even trying and I cannot!!??!!??!!?? Now my logical side kicked in as soon as the words were out, but the thought and feeling are still there.

This is the conversation between brain and heart:

Brain: "Now Amanda...Poor SIL is not having a baby. She is going through a tough time. She is losing a baby. You know you feel badly for her."
Heart: "Bitch"
Brain: "How would you feel if it were you. And remember, you love your brother. Even if you don't give a crap about SIL, you know he's heartbroken"
Heart: "They both suck as parents. They already have one neglected child that they weren't trying for 9 years ago"
Brain: "Didn't Mom tell you that SIL was told she could never have kids. Don't you realize that puts you and her in the same boat. Didn't you hear that SIL and brother wanted another child."
Heart: "They are crap! They don't deserve the child that they have! They didn't want the child that they have! And she got knocked up on accident both times!!! Why can worthless people get knocked up on accident and so many who are so worth it and so want it can't even pay for it!?!?!?! Why!?!?!?! Where is the fairness in this!?!?!?! When is it my turn? When is it her turn? Or her turn? Or her turn? When???!!! Why do we have to go through so many invasive-unnatural things to even come close to obtaining our goals!?!?!?! WHY WHEN WHY WHEN" trail off into random tears at this point


Brain: "Grow up. Life isn't fair. And what are you complaining about! You haven't done IUI or IVF or even had an HSG, yet!"
Heart: "AF is 3 or less days away. 2 1/2 years of accidents waiting to happen and they haven't. A few months of POAS to see if the elusive O is happening. Knowing that a phone call to move on to the next step is days away. And don't forget about the past. Don't forget about trying years ago. Don't forget about the "chemical pregnancy" the "early-term miscarriage". DON'T FORGET!" trail off into more tears

Brain: "Get over it."
Heart: "Fuck you."