I AM doing better. Day by day even the quiet times get easier. I can't tell you where (exactly) I'd be in my pregnancy if it had been healthy. I actually had to think for a minute when my sister asked my what my EDD would have been*. Pregnancy announcements and baby stuff don't upset me.
The one thing that brings on the tears is news of a baby girl. And they're everywhere. I honestly can't think of one person I know online or IRL that's having a boy. And it hurts. So badly.
I feel guilty for being so jealous. I feel guilty for not responding to a text from a friend when she found out she's going to have a girl. I feel guilty for not commenting on a few blogs when they've announced their XX news. I feel guilty for being so jealous. I just hope no one takes it personally.
I have two beautiful children that I wouldn't give up for anything in the world. Please don't mistake my jealousy for ungratefulness. I am so very grateful for what I have in my life. I've been blessed beyond my dreams.
My sister asked me last night, "Are you going to react this way whenever anyone has a girl?" She didn't quite get it. I explained to her how I thought I was pregnant with a girl...in a perfect world it could have been a girl. So right now, everyone who's pregnant while I should have been, if they're having a girl I'm jealous. I'm pretty sure this too will pass.
I feel soooo shallow. Whatever.
*the first date that popped into my mind was May 19, which was the EDD for my first pregnancy (2008)
13 comments:
I think you are entitled to a little bitterness and wallowing. It is a hard thing to get over.
I think you're allowed to feel whatever you want right now.
You're in my thoughts and prayers!
xoxo
You are not shallow at all. You've been through a lot and it is only normal to have those feelings.
Emotions are yours--let 'em roll on out! Thinking of you, sweetie.
Thinking of you! I agree with JJ, let it all out! :)
You deserve to feel however you need to feel. It's a normal process that you MUST go through. Others may not understand it but you gotta do what is right for you. Screw everyone else right now. Big hugs!
You know...jealousy is the most useless emotion; it doesn't make us feel better, but it's also an emotion that is impossible to stop. When I had my miscarriage over two years ago, I had a lot of jealousy for anyone who was due around the time I would have been. After a few months, when all of those pregnancies had been announced, I got past it, but during those few months I think I was probably a pretty miserable person to be around. You hang in there! You are a good mommy to your boys, but you have good reason to still feel a little sad.
We don't always have as much control over our emotions as we might like. I am sorry for the tough time you are experiencing. I hope that before too long, it won't hurt as much to get those types of announcements. In the meantime, I'm praying for you.
Oh hon, I know what you're feeling. Ours was a girl and I still can't handle baby girl talk.
You're not being shallow at all. Your heart is broken for what might have been and you're dealing with it the best way that you can.
And don't feel afraid to let those close to you know when they've said hurtful things. It feels strange at first, but it gets easier each time you say things like "that wasn't helpful at all" or "I would really like it if you'd try to understand what I'm feeling". Honest - when you point out to them how what they say affects you, they (most anyway) really do start to think before they speak.
Thank you. :-)
The really good thing was, I explained to my sister why it bothered me, and that more than likely it would ease once I passed my due date (I hope! I hope! I hope!) then she understood. She's never had a loss and is the first to say that she doesn't "know" what I'm going through, but she tries so hard to be supportive. I'm very grateful for her!
I am so sorry, it plain old hurts, doesn't it?
Much love,
g
I found you from Io's site and read through your last few posts. I am so sorry about your m/c, I had one also with my very own Mr. Not a Good Idea and it was heart-wrenching. It took quite awhile to get through the grieving process and I am not sure one ever forgets a loss of this magnitude.
Almost afraid to post here, but just wanted you to know that I completely understand. My heart breaks for you and I am sorry. I hope my commenting doesn't add to your pain.
Hugs.
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