October 15th

Today I'm remembering the little lives I've lost. My first and third pregnancies. I never held them in my arms, but I'll always hold them in my heart.

Trembling

Last night I held my husband's hand as he trembled. His face was ashen. His fear was very evident. It terrified me.

Tim has used tobacco products in one form or another since he was a teenager. So has everyone in his family except one grandparent. As long as I've known him he's used smokeless tobacco, he's dipped. He quit before our wedding and didn't pick it back up for almost 6 months. He quit again a few months ago, but picked it back up when the depression and stress became too much for him. He quit again last night.

Every night he brushes his teeth and uses mouth wash. Last night he inspected his gums and mouth and was horrified at what he saw. There are patches inside his cheeks that look like they've been shredded and his gums are discolored and oddly textured. This could be bad. This could be very bad.

Tim's going to give himself a few days to see if the "magic mouthwash" he's using will help his mouth. If not, it's off to the doctor he goes with prayers that this isn't cancer.

Because it could be.

And we're both terrified.