This and That

I'm excited! A good friend from work is going to bring me some banana spiders! I know this sounds pretty odd/grotesque/nasty to many people, but this is wonderful! Living in the great state of SC and more over the Low Country of SC my yard is prone to bugs. (Anyone who lives here knows how much of an understatement that is). I have a ton of spiders all around my house, but they're small and hard to see, and put webs in every outdoor corner they can find (including in between my windows and their screens). In other words, I am constantly putting one part of my body or another through their webs. Yuk! So I look forward to my acquired banana spiders! They make large, strong webs and are non-aggressive so they rock!

On a not-so-excited note, I'm cramping. Not the oooh-oooh-this-might-be-implantation cramping, the stupid-af-bitch-is-coming cramping. I'm 9DPO today and she's due in 4 more days. Looks like she's coming right on time. I guess I'll be calling my OB/Gyn on Monday to see about our next step. From what I remember of our conversation on my last visit, it's on to an HSG. Yay. If the HSG comes back clear and free then it's on to Clo.mid or some other such egg inducing chemical. I was truly hoping that DH and I would be able to do this the fully natural way.

I'm not looking forward to really talking about this with anyone outside of my IF circle. They all want to tell me to have patience and all the crap that comes along with that statement. Their comments make me feel as if they are trying to lessen my issues or make them smaller. While my issues regarding my fertility may not be the biggest issues in the world, they are HUGE to me.

I'm also going to have to prepare myself for dealing with this through work. I know that I'm not going back to work the day I have the HSG. I haven't taken a full day off of work in the middle of the week since I started (excluding when my Granny died). I haven't spoken with them about the fact that I'm TTC. I DO NOT want to talk to them about it. They are insensitive as hell. I don't want to answer their questions. I don't want to hear their stories. But how do I take a day off of work without telling them something. I got away with missing time for ultrasounds by telling them the Doc was concerned about my irregular cycle. I don't think it will fly this time. And I'm the only "employee" in an office of three. There's not any anonymity. Or privacy.

On the upside...I managed to get an unused Clea.r Pla.n Eas.y Monitor on e.bay for a killer deal! I finally get to use it! I'm going to go buy the sticks for it as soon as AF makes her official entrance! I LOVE gadgets!!!! I especially love gadgets that remind me to use them!

So anyway, that's it for now! Thank you for putting up with my randomness!

Hope and Faith

A couple of weeks back a new friend wrote a post about Hope and Faith. I had already been thinking about the whole issue, but her post put a little deeper in thought.

I have had issues with anxiety and depression since I can remember. I've been medicated off and on since I was 16. Now is an off time. This time I've done it properly and not just because I "forgot" or because I didn't want to. I'm TTC and we all know the meds would NOT be good for the baby. So now I've got this whole issue of anxiety and depression unchecked with added stress from TTC.

Now how, you may ask, does this have to do with Hope and Faith? I need peace. I need faith. I need to know that this is all the right thing. I need to feel that this will all be ok and will turn out the way I want it to (the way it's supposed to turn out). I need faith. I need peace.

Once upon a time, years ago, I got a message. I was singing at a church that I occasioned (I can't say I frequented it because I truly only occasioned it) and I felt a warmth wash over me. I felt peace and happiness. I also got a picture in my mind that God would one day bless my womb with a child. Please forgive the language for this one, but these are the only words to properly express how I felt. Until recently, I forgot this message.

Not too long ago I was reminded of this message. I was at my brother-in-law's baptism. When his pastor said a prayer, I felt the warmth again. I was reminded of this message. I want the message to be true. I believe that it will, but I need to find the place where I have to be to receive my gift.

I cannot bring a baby into this anxious depressed body and I'm not sure that a pregnancy would erase the issues. It might help, but would not erase them. I'm thinking that if I find my way back to that warm place, I might find the peace that I need. The peace that I need.

But I'm on my way! I've got good people praying for me. They think they're praying for a baby for me, but I know their prayers will work for it all.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm not some super religious preaching person...I'm just finding my religion. I'm finding the spiritual side that I need. And I think I'm going to enjoy the journey. I think it's the place I need to be.