Dream a little dream

I remember talking to my Mom the other day comparing this pregnancy with the boys.  I told her finding out I was pregnant and it was twins was "like a dream come true"!  It was amazing and wonderful and all the other good things you use to describe events like that.

But it wasn't how I'd planned.  It was work.  I was lucky that we managed to conceive the boys pretty much the old fashioned way, but OMG the chore of having sex at that point!  I know too many of you know what I mean.  It was a chore to have sex at that point and on more than one occasion Tim and I wished we could just skip the sex part and go right to the rolling over and going to sleep part.  But it worked and I was happy.

I told her this pregnancy was like "waking up to a dream".  Tim and I had sex because we wanted to be intimate with each other...because we were in the mood.  And it made a life!  THIS is how we all dream it will be.  And it happened to me!

But now this dream feels like some kind of fucked up nightmare that you can't wake up from.  You don't know if you're going to run out of the abandoned building and run into a field of flowers or a field of rotting corpses.  The sense of foreboding is overwhelming, but you can't help but hope for those stupid flowers.

Right now I'm full of hope (thank you everyone for your love and support, you mean so much to me!) but can't shake the feeling that I'm about to walk into the wrong field.  I'd really like to wake up, now.  I'd like to wake up to my before, please.  Before the positive test.  Before the asshole doctor on base.  Before the ER trip and being told "the baby is in the uterus".  Before the overly cheery ultrasound technician yesterday.

Not quite as I had planned - updated with pic

I had my first OB appointment and real ultrasound for this pregnancy today.  I am currently 7w6d.  The Nugget is only measuring 5w6d and the heartbeat is too weak to measure (for the record, at 5w6d a too weak to measure heartbeat is perfectly fine).  Two weeks behind. This is not good.

The very cheery ultrasound tech informs me that I must have my dates wrong.  I am pretty damn sure my dates are fine; it's the baby that's not.  For the baby to be OK I would have to have conceived right around 12/10...you know...the day I had a beta of 68.  Pretty sure that didn't happen.  She was cheery and positive nonetheless. I appreciate her optimism.  I honestly do.

The doctor was a bit more realistic.  He didn't schedule me for another OB appointment, just another ultrasound.  He wanted to wait two weeks, but Tim will be out of the country in two weeks. I cannot go to my next ultrasound without him.  He also mentioned the yolk sac size vs the embryo size and used the lovely word "chromosomal".  Yeah...large sac small baby...genetically not right, I get it.

So for now I sit and wait for a miracle.  I'm not very good at waiting or at optimism.  I'm a realistic type of person.  Tim is being wayyyy optimistic and I'm trying to not crush his spirit.  I'd really like to go ahead and see if my Mom can come into town in two weeks so I can have someone here to let me be a big baby if I have to get a D&C.

The worst part?  Seeing that little flickering heart.  She let us look at it for a couple of minutes...it was both beautiful and heartbreaking.  I think I would have rather not seen a heartbeat at all.  She also gave us a picture.  Proof that my Nugget was here.

But I am still grateful for things.  I'm grateful that after this horrible day I still have to beautiful little ones to come home to.  I'm grateful to have a husband that is so supportive and hopeful.  I'm grateful that this happened after I had my boys instead of before.  I had a moment in 5 Guys (burger joint) after the appointment where I heard a little baby and turned around to see a beautiful little girl in a carrier.  I almost cried until it hit me like a brick that whether or not I get to keep this baby, I still have my boys.  Thank you God!  (don't get me wrong, this hurts like hell and I'd love to curl into a ball and sob, but it IS easier at this point than my first loss.)

So, if you pray, please pray for my Nugget.  If you don't pray, I could still use all the good thoughts and well wishes you would be willing to give.

[caption id="attachment_1345" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="The Nugget at 7w6d Measuring 5w6d - Sorry for the blurriness, she had to zoom in majorly to get the shot."][/caption]

Danifred could also use some love right now.  She went in for an ultrasound only to find out the baby had quit growing.